HOW TO! #13: How to get real fucking good at science!
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that helps you to conquer your dreams and achieve your fears.
I had a wonderful week off, thanks for asking you ungrateful pricks. I would like to sincerely thank our secret celebrity ghost writer from last week, and if I had to guess who it was, I would probably say that it was that one ghost from Ghostbusters that gave Dan Aykroyd a BJ. Because, you see, the article was about how to… Yes, there you go.
While I was off traveling the world and impregnating my brain with new knowledge to birth into the above-ground pools of your fragile minds, I noticed something. Something that I had been staring straight in the face for twenty-seven years. That something was science. Science is literally everywhere, and nobody even takes the time to give a shit about it. It’s in your coffee, it’s in your new haircut, it’s in your backyard wrestling federation. Science is all around you.
“Okay we get it Rich, you watched an episode of Cosmos and now you think you’re Mike Tyson’s dad or whoever that guy is.” Relax, I’m not here to mansplain science to you like you’re some fucking toddler. I’m here to turn you into the type of person who can host your own science TV show and let everyone around you know what’s going on in their world so they don’t have to bother going to school and reading books which are obviously BIASED TOWARDS THE PREJUDICES OF THE CROWN! Well guys it’s time you told that royal baby and the rest of his ill-bred shitstain family to drown in a fountain of dicks, because today I’m here to teach you:
HOW TO GET REAL FUCKING GOOD AT SCIENCE!
STEP ONE: Learning The Types Of Science
This one is pretty easy, because there are essentially four different kinds of science: rock science, blood science, space science, and wood science. You think I’m fucking around? Do me a favor and find something near you. It could be anything. Now, hit that thing with a hammer or an ax. What’s inside of the thing you just hit? Exactly: rocks, blood, space, or wood.
“Uhh, Rich I think you forgot about metal.” Don’t get cute, everyone knows metal is a kind of rock (RIP Ronnie James Dio.) Those are called subsets of science, and each science type has a lot of those. Rock science includes things like metal, glass, mountains, plastic cutlery, and most anything that is difficult to chew. Blood science includes dogs, produce (juice is just fruit blood I even asked a doctor and his lack of response was an obvious affirmation,) and most anything that leaks. Space science is anything that lives in outer space or in the air, so like planets and ghosts and bees, I guess. Wood science is trees and houses and chairs and shit like that. Mastering the categorization of each item in the world to its appropriate form of Science takes time.It took me this entire past week to figure everything out, and I am a brilliant genius, so allow yourself at least a month.
What is the most effective way of doing this, you may ask? Well, I was just about to tell you so keep your stupid mouth shut and stop asking questions before I’m done talking. The easiest way to arrange your world into the proper types of science is coming up in step two.
STEP TWO: Observing
That’s right, looking at shit. “But Rich, I look at shit ALL THE TIME and I don’t know ANYTHING about science!” You obviously aren’t looking at shit correctly because you missed the part of the last paragraph where I told you to shut your idiot mouth.
In order to become good at science, you need to start looking at shit SCIENTIFICALLY. The proper word for doing this is “observation.” Go back to that thing I made you hit with the hammer. What is it doing now? Dying? Sitting there broken as fuck? Just kind of the same as it was before only dented now?
Well, those are OBSERVATIONS about the object you just busted to shit. You can also do this with stuff you haven’t hit with a hammer. Just look at it for a while and see what it does. You will notice that most stuff does nothing because it sucks and we probably don’t need it so you can throw it in the trash.
But wait! The process of you throwing it in the trash CHANGED it from being your dad’s stamp collection into being TRASH! That’s an observation about interaction between TWO things. VERY advanced science. This ability to change all of the useless shit that is just lying around is the driving force behind step three.
STEP THREE: Performing Experiments
Science is nothing without experimentation. If the Wright brothers didn’t desperately want to get up in the sky and fuck a bird, do you think we would even have airplanes? No, nobody would have bothered with that shit because they were perfectly happy fucking whatever things they could find on the ground.
Most experiments involve combining different types of science to see how they react to each other, which is exactly what the Wright brothers did. They combined wood science (plane) with blood science (people) and space science (air) to become so famous that I remembered their names without even having to look at Google (last name only, but I think their first names were Orwell and Todd and that’s probably close enough to prove how famous they are.)
Recently, scientific heroes of our time have built on this idea of combining different types of science to create some of the most important things mankind has ever seen, such as: dogs on skateboards, car horns, and sour Skittles. Your goal is to combine as many different types of science in as many different ways until you come up with something as great as these things.
Luckily for you, literally everything is science, so go nuts! Tie a pig to a train and see what happens. Drink nothing but sand for a month. Drop a bag of crabs into your mother’s bathtub with some scotch. Fire a gun at the moon. The wonderful thing about scientific experimentation is that its only limitations lie in your imagination and potentially in the laws enforced by our false government but those should never be considered when the improvement of mankind is at stake.
STEP FOUR: Sharing Your Findings
What separates the real science types from your typical everyday lunatic is that when they do ridiculous and dangerous things, they use big words and fancy charts to tell everybody else about them. Hiding your experiments and their results from the world is not going to do you any favors as a scientist. Think about it. If you build a Frankenstein it’s not like you’re NOT going to show everybody your Frankenstein, right? The best part is, you can frame just about anything in scientific language and nobody can question your motives or sanity because the only motive in science is KNOWLEDGE.
Remember, we’re only a couple of decades or so removed from a time when science consisted of people licking things to see if the new things they licked would kill them. (NOTE: There may still be stuff out there that has gone unlicked. Consider licking the components of your experiment before letting them interact with each other.)
Despite being driven purely by the thirst for knowledge, it is important to remember that when you share your findings there will always be detractors. After all, there are people who still dispute the absolute fact that the sun is an angry sentient fire egg that would cook and devour us all if we were not smart enough to live indoors and needs to be destroyed, maybe by driving the Coors Light Train into it. (NOTE: For next experiment, drive Coors Light Train into the sun.)
Anyway, don’t let people telling you that your experiments are “cruel” or “dangerous” or “sticky.” Simply disarm these people by peppering your presentations with science speak that, and here’s a secret of the science community, DOESN’T ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING.
Words like “hypothesis” and “osmosis” and “respiratory failure” are words that scientists invented because they wanted to sound smart without knowing what they were talking about. Science is lousy with words like this, and if you throw a few into the reports on your findings, people will simply say “Yep, this looks like science” and probably give you some awards.
So there you have it.
Four easy steps on how to get real fucking good at science and probably get your own TV show where maybe you get to watch some animals do it. Feel free to start referring to yourself as “Doctor” now, because Dr. Inmate #38974 has a pretty nice ring to it.