HOW TO! #11: How to Live a Life of Luxury!
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that makes the Bible look like some shitty goth teen’s LiveJournal.
I’ve been writing this column for several months now, and it is safe to assume that if you have followed all of my steps up to this point that you have evolved from mewling piss-soaked street urchins into dynamic piss-soaked millionaires, (Eventually I will get around to teaching you how to not soak yourself in piss but that’s a column for another day.) So what to do now that you have become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams and are constantly satisfied sexually? You probably don’t need to know how to do anything else, right? You’ve probably got the attitude that you can take it from here, and you no longer need my guidance and wisdom. Well fuck you, because that will NEVER be the case.
So you’re a millionaire and your house is two houses stacked on top of a larger house and your car is two cars being pulled by a horse. That’s a good start, but how long until you are outed as a fraud and everyone sees you for the wretched piece of gutter trash that you actually are? Having money is not enough; you need to learn to live like you’ve ALWAYS had money. Otherwise, the next time you walk into the country club in your Che Guevara t-shirt and Adidas flip flops you will be pelted with deviled eggs and then dogs will chase you and then one of your flip flops will break and the dogs will catch up to you and savage your groin. You like your groin don’t you? I thought so. That’s why this week I am here to teach you:
***HOW TO LIVE A LIFE OF LUXURY***
STEP ONE: Eating Like A Wealthy Millionaire
Most of the time you spend around other wealthy millionaires will be at social functions where food is served, and you can’t tip your hand by ordering a meal normally reserved for a poor. No more eating grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken fingers for you motherfucker. You will need to adhere to the three main millionaire food groups: steak, lobster, and single-malt scotch. I’m sorry, are you a vegetarian? Then go back to the gutter and eat some fucking gutter leaves and get leaf poisoning and die because you don’t deserve luxury if you’re not going to enjoy it. Do you have a shellfish allergy? Well there’s the door. Guess where the door leads? Out into traffic, and here comes a bus. BAM! Killed by public transportation for shunning luxury due to your lousy genetics. Can’t drink scotch because your alcoholism sends you into a spiral of bad behavior that causes you to ruin relationships and stop functioning as a normal adult? You’re a millionaire now! What used to be “shameful behavior” now becomes an “eccentric personality.” So drink the fuck up because your days of coffee and water and being a responsible parent who does not crash cars into churches are over.
The only exception to this diet is that during your breakfasts of steak and lobster you may replace the scotch with mimosas to avoid scurvy, but otherwise you MAY NOT stray from your new millionaire diet or everyone will know that you are not for luxury and they will not invite you to their masquerade sex balls where they maybe practice human sacrifice but HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KNOW IF YOU NEVER GET INVITED BECA– USE SOMEBODY SAW YOU EATING FRENCH FRIES WITH YOUR HANDS LIKE SOMEONE WHO WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOL?!
STEP TWO: Owning And Operating Watercraft
There are few things the wealthy love as much as the sea, and if you are going to be a true being of pure luxury, you must acquaint yourself with her (the sea is a woman they found her vagina I think somewhere near Iceland.) You might think it’s enough to just buy a big-ass ship and fill it with big-ass servants and cruise the big-ass ocean in it while sitting on your big-ass, but that is EXACTLY what new money would do and will get you blackballed from the millionaire’s club faster than being actually black and bald.
To truly live a life of luxury, one needs to know how to navigate the seas and operate their own seafaring vessel. “But Rich, that doesn’t sound like luxury. That sounds like work and work is not very luxurious.” Hey shut up, though. The point of luxury is to make it seem like your recreational hobbies are actual hard work so that everyone will be very impressed by you and think you are dangerous and fun to have sex with.
Now, I say “watercraft” not because I want you to buy some kind of a jetski because Jesus Christ are you serious only poor people use jetskis and riding a jetski is the easiest way to announce to the world that you have had an STD. I say “watercraft” because whatever you do you can under no circumstances call it a “boat.” That’s a word for the uneducated who clearly don’t understand luxury if they would confuse a “schooner” or “skiff” with a boat. Once you become a seafaring adventurer, it is important that when you are not on the ocean you talk about her like she is an estranged lover. Talk about the hardships you have endured together, but do it with a distant fondness that suggests that as soon as you are reacquainted you’re going to sail on up to Iceland for another stab at that salty vagina. Also, make people call you Captain.
STEP THREE: Traveling The World
How can you really claim to live luxuriously if you only do it in one place? You need to seek out luxury all over the globe in order to be truly fulfilled. This is why travel is important. It’s not so much where you travel, but HOW you travel that will separate you from the unwashed crowding the economy class and polluting the sky with their presence. When the poor travel to a particular place, what do they do? They see the famous sites. Do you know why? BECA– USE THEY DON’T KNOW IF THEY WILL EVER MAKE IT BACK BECA– USE THEY MAXED OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS TO GO ON THIS TRIP AND GODDAMMIT I DON’T CARE HOW SMALL THE MONA LISA IS UP CLOSE I’M FUCKING SEEING IT!
As a wealthy millionaire leading a luxurious lifestyle, you could come back next week if you wanted to, so why rush to see anything? What you’re going to want to do is find nearly identical beachfront resorts in as many distant locales as possible. This sends the message that “I could be doing this exact same thing in my own country but I am choosing to do it here, just because I can and in my opinion we treat our service workers a little too well and they seem much less humanized here.”
Traveling in luxury is not about culture or life experience, it is about finding beaches to sit on with the strangest sounding names so you can bring them up in conversation and say “Oh you’ve never been? It’s delightful.”
STEP FOUR: Doing The Right Drugs
No life of luxury is complete without mind altering chemicals. The one thing you want to make sure of here, however, is that you’re using proper drugs for the wealthy instead of garbage drugs for the poor. The main drugs to stay away from are crack, crystal meth, and heroin. Substitute these with cocaine, cocaine, and more cocaine.
Cocaine is basically the fourth food group of wealthy hedonists such as yourself. A lot of people pan it for being dangerous and addictive but those are just poor people who have never enjoyed the luxuries of cocaine, such as staying up late listening to Guns N Roses, or writing a screenplay on your bathroom mirror in lipstick.
If you MUST have the drowsy euphoric feeling provided by heroin, then I don’t know, try smoking opium instead. Is that still a thing? If it is, then that’s the route you want to go because it doesn’t carry the stigma of heroin and it seems pretty great for lounging around on the couch at a Chinese brothel, which is a Hallmark of the luxurious lifestyle. Any prescription medication is also fair game, provided you leave the bottles unmarked and scattered around your home, picking them up and ingesting them blindly on a whim. In the luxury community we call this The Milwaukee Gamble and it is perfect for when relatives are visiting or trips to the grocery store.
STEP FIVE: Owning An Exotic Pet
Finally, what is a life of luxury without love? Specifically the love of a rare and dangerous beast? Owning exotic pets has been a mainstay of luxury practitioners such as Russian Tsars, Heavyweight Boxing Champions, and Pedophilic Pop Singers. Nothing says “I enjoy the finer things in life” like caging a strong and majestic creature and keeping them in your living room to gawk at and maybe feed chips when you’re bored.
The trick is finding which exotic animal is right for you. You want to find the most exotic and most dangerous animal you can, so I would recommend a dinosaur. You may ask “Aren’t dinosaurs extinct?” and to that I say: Hey! Shut up again. You’re a wealthy millionaire, just like the guy in Jurassic Park, and guess what? He found a way to make it happen and so can you.
If you don’t want a large lizard in your home because you’re sick of Jeff Goldblum always showing up to chase it around, I suggest keeping the Ebola virus as a pet. Nothing is more dangerous and exotic than the Ebola virus, and it is perfect for party tricks. “Hey guys, come over here and watch Mark hemorrhage! HAHA FUCK YOU MARK!”
And there you have it!
Five easy steps on how to live a proper life of luxury so that you aren’t out there fucking it up for yourself and getting laughed at by high society. Now go on out there and live la vita bella which is Italian for, “day drinking next to a pool.”