The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Happy Friday afternoon Everyone? Its Friday right? That’s the last possible day this could be put up this week. I mean it could go up on Saturday but people don’t look at the internet unless they are at work. They won’t even take time away from their precious day off to read my life saving advice. So, its Thursday night as I’m writing this and that means its going be up Friday because I’ll be god damned if I have to deal with the repercussions of having to post two of these in the same week again. People are still in the hospital from getting kicked in the dick with that much god–like knowledge.
Before we get to the questions this week lets get to a question. @AlexFier “asks @TedPettingell Ted where do I contact your advice column? Is it here on Twitter? Is there where I can try to get advice??” Well Alex, if that is your real name, first of thank you for using question marks. Normally, the people who’s questions I answer don’t bother with such things. Also, my editor, some woman, has been all over my ass for not using question marks when I write. (Editor’s Note: To demonstrate the author’s gross disregard for punctuation, grammar and spelling, I have highlighted all of the corrections I have made in red. Suck it, Ted.) What she doesn’t understand is I don’t ask questions here, I answer them, and everything here should be taken as an emphatic statement of fact.
But back to you Alex. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME A QUESTION DIRECTLY! Oh, there should probably have been a question mark there. Well, it was a rhetorical question and I don’t play by anyone’s rules. Alex, this is an unsolicited advice column if you ask me directly, that defeats the point. If you want me to answer your question you have to ask the ether and hope I come across it and it strikes my fancy. But maybe you knew that and you are just fucking with me. If that is what you are doing you will be sorry. I know where you live, Los Angeles. Maybe I don’t know specifically where in LA but I also know where your parents live, around the corner from me. And I’m sure I could pay them a visit, explain who I am and they would probably give me your current address. Have I made myself clear? Rhetorical question. Now for the real questions.
Today’s first question comes from @Care2 Passionate about a cause or issue? Starting a #petition is easy: http://www.thepetitionsite.com #activism
Good question, Short answer, No. Long answer, No and go Fuck yourself. Longer answer, No the only thing I have passion for is physical act of love. Also a petition has never done anything. They are just a way idiots on the internet can feel like they are doing something without actually doing anything. This is what internet activism is. My column changes lives. This is what Internet activism looks like:
I’ll demonstrate it like this. Lets say you sign an internet petition to stop global warming, then you fart because you are a gross idiot who spends all their time on the internet and drinking Mountain Dew. The Greenhouse gasses in that fart contributed more to global warming then signing that petition did to stop it.
Our second question comes from, @senthorun The starting question for any political movement must be: what sort of society do we want to be a part of? #amnestyuniconf #activism
Another great question. I can only imagine where you plagiarized it from. Well, ideally I think we should all want to live in a world where creative individuals like myself, can live without fear of being plagiarized by self–righteous hacks like yourself. Its like I always say, “be the change you want to see in the world.” So next time I catch someone stealing from me I am going to find their parents. Break up their marriage. Seduce the plagiarist mother. Marry her. Make the plagiarist feel the shame they have brought on their family. Then divorce their mother and take her for all she is worth.
Our last question comes from no one.
My usual theme is to search a random hashtag for questions and then for the third one find a famous person or corporation and write something that ties it all together. Well, after searching #activism I thought I would find an old tweet from Suey Park, yes that one and write some silly paragraph about, ‘How anyone is supposed to take you seriously when you ask why your farts smell so bad.‘ Well, I learned a few things. First of all as a white man, I am the devil. Secondly, you can only see the last 3200 tweets a person has made. Third, if you are an internet activist, that is about three weeks worth of tweets and none of them would even suggest that you enjoy your life at all.
So, for some real unsolicited advice to all the Suey Parks of the world: Go out in the world and have some fun. Eat something that should probably go in the trash. Have it make a weird smell come out of your body. Then tweet about it in confusion. That‘s what living is all about.
See you next week. Please share this with all your friends and we can change the world together. #hacktivism