HOW TO! #9: How to be more confident in your appearance!
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that makes an honest effort at molding its filthy garbage readership into human-mimicking trash-golems that can slowly assimilate into society undetected.
This week we’re back to turning the microscope onto you, the reader, and figuring out where you fuck up daily and trying to unfuck that terrible part of you that everybody talks about when you’re not around. I went back to the google, and tried to find what the general public hated most about themselves, and to nobody’s surprise it was their appearance. Well, the problem here is that most of us are ugly as hell and very unpleasant to look at. This is just a fact of life, because our ugly parents fucked and made ugly babies and now we’re stuck walking around looking for ugly people to fuck us to make more ugly babies who will then whine on the internet about being ugly. Although by that time the internet will probably be in their brains or controlled by the government or weaponized by spiders. Anyway, I already taught you how to find another ugly person to make these shitty spider-slave future-babies with, but today’s lesson is for you. So you don’t like the way you look, and that’s because you probably look like one of the puppets from The Dark Crystal had a baby with a fart. And that’s okay, because you’re always going to be hideous. What we’re here for today is to get you to accept that and own your disgusting visage with the help of misdirection and sleight of hand. So grab your fat person airline seatbelt extension and buckle up because today I’m going to teach you
***HOW TO BE MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR APPEARANCE***
Step One: Distracting From Your Awful Face
A lot of your low self-esteem probably comes from the terrible nicknames you’ve gotten based on your horrible facial features. Nicknames like “Unibrow” and “Pizza Face” and “Hog Nose” and “Lazy-Eyed Mike” can be very hurtful no matter how accurate they may be. What you want to do is create a less offensive defining feature that overshadows these other, shittier ones, so that when people need to describe you, their go-to is something YOU control. There are a lot of easy ways to achieve this.
Personally, I grow my hair long so that when people describe me, it’s easier to say “the kid with the long hair” than “the kid with the dumb scars and weird moles and fucked up nose and gross pre-pubescent mustache.” Now you may not have the ability to grow your hair into a luxurious mane envied by gods and men alike, and that’s fine. Maybe you’re going bald. Well if you’re going bald, you can still grow out the hair you have left. Consider a long braid or even a rat-tail. “Rich but aren’t those kind of lame?” Yeah, if you’re not doing it IRONICALLY you fucking dolt. That way you’re controlling the discourse about your hair. “Haha yeah doesn’t it look ridiculous?! Far more ridiculous than my dead tooth I MEAN… I SAID NOTHING!” Whatever you do, just don’t throw on a goddamned fedora and assume that suddenly makes you interesting. Fedoras have already been ruined by men’s rights activists, ska bands, and lesbians in musicals. Trust me, it’s much better to be thought of as “Jerry with the harelip” than “Jerry with the fedora.”
Step Two: Fitting Your Clothes
This is where we run counter to the thinking in step one. You’re going to want your clothes to accent your body type in a way that says “I am aware of how I look, and I need you to be EVEN MORE AWARE of this.” If you’re heavyset, this means tight-fitting clothes and a liberal amount of flesh protruding from underneath them. Belly shirts, skinny jeans, and any shorts that would get you kicked out of the post office will do. Why should you feel uncomfortable with the way you look when you can make the people around you even more uncomfortable? You need to sexualize your obesity to turn it from a source of shame to a source of power. Let it seep out all over creation under shirts and shorts that are merely single XL, making you look like someone tried to pass two pizza’s worth of dough through a toilet paper roll. Maybe ice your nipples up before you leave the house too. No matter what people on the street will look at you and think “wow, gross” so your best way of combating this and winning the battle is to make them never want to look again.
If you’re a very skinny person, you want to go the complete opposite route. Start out by wearing clothes that are far too large for you. Then, purchase the exact same clothes in incrementally larger sizes, and wear a larger size every week so that everyone thinks you are getting even smaller. This will cause people to worry about you, because they will think you are disappearing and then maybe you can milk their concern for a free meal or two. If conning people into giving you free stuff doesn’t make you feel better about being sickly thin, then I don’t think I can help you.
Step Three: Accessorizing
This is probably the most important step towards making yourself feel more confident, because it involves the least actual effort. Picking out accessories to increase ones confidence goes back to the days of the Pharaohs when the weak idiot Pharaohs who couldn’t even grow beards because they were losers or women would make beards out of gold and paint snakes on them and say to the people “if I’m so weak then why do I have this golden snake beard? The fuck outta here…” Nowadays a beard just isn’t going to cut it because to be honest beards are pretty lame and gross and I’m not saying that just because I can’t grow a beard.
You need your accessories to exude confidence and speak for themselves. Try wearing a bandolier. A bandolier says “I have a LOT of bullets, and maybe one of them is for you.” Another good option is to wear a gauntlet with a bird of prey like a falcon or a hawk perched on it. This says “I am a master of beasts and I don’t even care that this bird has shit on my arm a whole bunch.” If you couple the bird of prey with an eye-patch, that says “Look this bird doesn’t even like me that much, and I’m the one who feeds it. Imagine what it would do to you, pal.” Maybe these things aren’t necessarily your style, but try to be creative, and try to be intimidating. Maybe you want to wear chains like a spooky ghost, or carry a samurai sword like someone who gets divorced a lot. Pick what works for you, but just try your best to make it terrifying so you can feed off the fear of those around you.
Step Four: Commanding Respect
If you’ve followed the first three steps, this one should not be hard. By now you should look like some kind of badass WWE wrestler who is not to be trifled with, which should gain you the respect of man and beast alike. However, in order to fully gain this respect you need to act like you deserve it. It’s not enough to look the part; you have to ACT the part as well. Sure, maybe you’re walking around with a hawk on one arm and a shotgun slung over your shoulder, but if you’re not acting like an entitled dick to everyone that you meet how are they going to know you mean business? You should be constantly sneering. Act disinterested and turn away from people in the middle of a sentence. Knock stuff over on purpose and don’t pick it up. If you’re wondering if any particular behavior is too dickish or not dickish enough, just ask yourself “Is this something a cat would do?” because cats are the biggest assholes and people fucking love them regardless. Act like a large mean cat, and you will be treated like a king.
There you have it, four easy steps on how to be more confident in your appearance. Now throw on your halter top and go threaten some guys with a sword.