by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that respects its editor and all of her contributions to this website. (Editor’s note: Rich Karski is a fantastic writer and a delightful young man.)
Okay, you see what I did up there? That’s called “Politics.” This column has been teaching you how to barely skate by on the seat of your jean shorts for far too long. It’s time I reached out to some people with real life ambition and showed them a thing or two about how the world works and how to manipulate it in ways that make it work for you. By complimenting my wonderful editor, as opposed to insulting her like some other writers on this site, (Editor’s note: TED PETTINGELL) I have positioned my column to be better promoted and thus more widely circulated than those that choose to belittle her. (Editor’s note: Did I mention that Mr. Karski is also incredibly handsome?)
This is all part of getting ahead. Now you might be thinking “But shouldn’t talent win out? If the other writers are funnier than you, won’t their columns always do better?” And the reason you think that way is because you were probably conceived next to a lot of open paint cans. Things like “talent” and “work ethic” are bullshit buzz words that the media uses to convince you that the American Dream is a real, tangible goal that can be achieved by even the poorest and least attractive among us. What America really is, is the world’s largest and longest-running dick-sucking competition (Sorry “Suckfest Brazil” but your hiatus from 1988-1990 caused you to vacate the crown.)
Nobody gets ahead in this country by being better or smarter or putting in more effort. You can pull your damn boot straps up to the friggen moon and all you’ll get is some long-ass boot straps and probably moon cancer because the moon is poisonous to poor people like us (it is a defense mechanism to prevent the moon from turning into Florida.) So, you can’t get ahead by being smart or good at something or working hard, and frankly you’re not a fan of sucking dicks because it aggravates your TMJ (Side note: Is this a real disease or a thing girls made up because dicks are gross and they don’t want to put them in their mouths? If it is the latter it is brilliant.) Well then how could you ever possibly get ahead in this country? What if I told you there was a way to get ahead by PROMISING that you’re going to suck all of those dicks, and then never delivering? Well get ready to sell your soul, because I am going to teach you…
HOW TO RUN FOR OFFICE!
(Note 1: This author does not believe in democracy, the American government, national borders, or eating before noon. This is purely instructional and is not an endorsement of any particular political party, system of government, or hair-care product. Please smash the state.)
(Note 2: Most of the dicks mentioned in this column are metaphorical. Some are not. See if you can guess which ones!)
STEP ONE: Abandoning Your Beliefs
This is hands down the most important step because once you get into politics your opinions no longer belong to you and you will forget what they were in a matter of time anyway and you should go into it with a clean slate. “But Rich I have good ideas and want to change the world!” HAHAHAHAHAHA IDIOT! That’s not how this works. The goal is to believe what the most other people believe so that they think “Hey, this candidate is very much like me and someone like me should be in charge although not me specifically because I don’t need my spouse finding out about all of my DUIs and that time I was arrested for being nude in a Wendys.”
Do you think the government has a responsibility to help the poor? NOT ANYMORE HIPPIE! Think children should be taught the Bible in school? GO BACK TO BIBLETOWN, JESUS FREAK! Do you believe that maybe Hitler had some pretty decent ideas? Well sure, everybody overlooks some of his more progressive social reforms but KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF! Your beliefs need to start out as an untouched block of clay that is molded by the idiots around you. This also applies to any religious beliefs you may have had. Used to be a Jew? Sorry, not anymore. Jew don’t play with the electorate. Are you a Christian? WHAT KIND? WHO’S YOUR PASTOR? DO YOU GO TO SNAKE CHURCH?! Don’t answer any of those! Muslim? Are you fucking kidding me? We don’t even HAVE those here. Regardless of what your political and religious beliefs — USED to be, those are gone now. If you’re going to get elected, it’s time to get you some new beliefs.
STEP TWO: Getting You Some New Beliefs
This step is all about location, location, location. The first step in assigning yourself new beliefs is figuring out which political party you belong to. In America, your only choices are either Democrat or Republican because a third party would force people to come up with an adjective other than “Good” or “Evil” and fuck you if you want us to use brain power on that bullshit. The only place Americans want variety is in their goddamned condiments and I WANTED RANCH AND MARINARA AND GARLIC BUTTER I DIP EACH SLICE IN ALL THREE I HAVE A FUCKING SYSTEM!
So how do you decide? Just walk around outside for a little while and look at bumper stickers. If the most common bumper sticker you see is “COEXIST” spelled out dumbly in dumb symbols like a dumbass would spell it, then you are going to want to choose Democrat. If the most common bumper sticker says something along the lines of “My Other Gun is My Wife’s Gun” then congratulations, you are a Republican now. So what do Republicans and Democrats believe? Good news: that doesn’t matter! All that matters is your party label, and then your beliefs are whittled down to “My opponent is a piece of shit and everything he/she says is wrong because of that different colored button they are wearing.” You don’t even have to learn anything!
STEP THREE: Controlling The Damage
Let’s face it. You’ve done some shit, I’ve done some shit, we have ALL collectively done some shit. When you run for office, all of this previously done shit is going to be brought up. Have you driven drunk into a commercial fishing boat and sank it? Commented “hott” on one of your cousin’s facebook pictures? Gotten high in a basement and thought a cat was a ghost? Well, now everybody knows. It’s okay though! Everyone has gotten into some trouble, and you just need to learn how to make it seem like not such a big deal.
First try to deny it. “I would never call a child a ‘scrotum’ at a baseball game that was a handsome impostor.” If that doesn’t work, half admit to what you did in a lie that diminishes its severity. “I did not realize at the time that children were flammable, and I was only attempting to warm the child.” Whatever you do, don’t admit to anything right away. You can admit to it eventually, but Americans expect you to at least TRY to lie a little bit. That way they can feel better than you before your insincere apology which will make them think you are a strong and honest individual. Politicians have gotten away with adultery, murder, crack smoking, and being named Newt, so whatever terrible thing you did, you just need to be able to spin it and CHRIST WILL YOU STOP EATING PEOPLE FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES?! YOU’RE NOT A CONGRESSMAN YET!
STEP FOUR: Selling Out To The Right Crowd
Remember when I told you that you would need to promise to suck a lot of dick to get this gig? Well, you need to make sure you’re promising to suck all of the correct dicks. There will be dozens of shady entities looking to fund your campaign, and usually the shadiest of them will be willing to pony up the most cash to make sure you get elected. Be wary of anything having to do with “the environment” or “civil liberties” because helping things and people that cannot afford to give you kickbacks is stupid and will get you laughed at by all of your new politician buddies. They will probably even call you a nerd.
One good way to see who is serious is to ask them questions like “How do you feel about the murder of innocent people?” If the person speaking to you seems uneasy, or downright offended that you would ask, then they are not the person you want to be doing business with. If they say “We are strongly opposed to murder of all kinds” while winking and silently slashing their assistant’s throat, then this person means business and that’s who you want on your side. Because what is “evil” anyway? Is it “evil” to want to go out and get yours at the expense of all moral obligation to others? Of course not, this is America.
STEP FIVE: Being Vaguely Ethnic
Okay, so you’ve got your new beliefs, you’ve got your powerful backers, and you’ve put the incident with the goat and the lawnmower behind you. What you need is something that will push you over the top, and in today’s America, that is being an ethnicity that isn’t white. Now, are you already not white? Then that’s bad. I’m sorry but maybe politics just isn’t for you. You still need to be very, very white, but you also want to give the ILLUSION that you are not white. Changing your name to something possibly Hispanic is a great step to political success.
“Hmm… this candidate’s name is Trevor Santos? Well, he looks pretty white, but he MUST be Mexican. If I vote for him, I can be tolerant, yet also not threatened!” Now maybe you’re thinking to yourself “Rich, I’m Italian, so I must be golden, right? Italians are the most ethnic whites we have!” No, being Italian is the worst. Nobody trusts Italians, and they will probably be scared that you will spend all of our tax dollars on gold chains and gold chain polish. If you’re Italian, you need to go the opposite route and change your last name to something like “Jones” or “Jackson” so everybody thinks maybe you are half-black. I know, I know, politics is hard.
So there you have it, five easy steps to run for office and get yourself elected so you can finally start exploiting people the way George Washington intended when he built this country by hand out of sweat and Indian bones. Now go out there and kiss some babies! But not open mouth. That is problematic for a lot of reasons.