The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Hey gang, its been a while. Its me, your old pal Ted and I’ve got some good news, I am bringing back the most popular thing in the history of unseen (sp. UnScene) comedy. Of course I’m talking about my world renown advice column. I know what you are saying, “Ted we heard you died in a grease fire” or “Ted weren’t you executed by firing squad for seducing Michelle Obama” or “Ted didn’t you stop writing for the internet because Shawn Carter stop publishing things you wrote while drunk?” Lies, all Lies, especially the last one, I’m drunk right now as I’m writing this, as Carter is posting it, and as you are reading this. (Editors Note: Christa is the editor and webmaster of UnScene Comedy. Ted should know this by now as he was the one that emailed me the advice column that he has been putting off for the last 3 years.) Anyway, the new and improved advice column will no longer deal with relationship questions submitted by readers and instead will be random questions I pull from the depths of social media (sp. twitter). Are these people seeking me out? No, they aren’t. So this is totally unsolicited, hopefully my editor can come up with a catchy name for it. (Editors Note: Again, it’s Christa and no.) Maybe you are a long time fan of the column and you’re thinking, “But Ted, I’ve got a really important question about dating.” I’m going to tell you what I’ve been telling everyone who asks me for advice, write your letter and stick it in an Ann Lander’s twat.
Our first question comes from @JvBasketball69 He writes,
‘#WhatIs a vagina?’
Jesus fucking christ. I go on a three year hiatus only to come back to say I’m not writing about dating and the first fucking question I get is from some rube asking me what a vagina is. Its as if I’m just scrolling through a random search looking for a question that fits my needs for this article, maybe I am so I’ll answer it to the best of my ability. Well mr JvBasketball69 a “vagina” is the medical term for what your generation calls a “sausage wallet.” Any science book will tell you that it is totally mysterious and only a few facts are know for sure about it. First its a great place to put your sausage, two if it is not regularly stuffed with sausage it will cause a woman to act completely irrational, and third it is the source of the two most annoying things in the world: human children and the television program Girls. Maybe if you stop 69ing basketballs and start using the proper piece of equipment, a woman, you’ll be more familiar with what a vagina is. Next question.
The second question today is from @MrAmato12 He asks,
‘#WhenIs Mariah gonna give me my damn coffee? I’m in need of some free caffeinated drinks.’
Well, M. Ramato, lets just call you Man Ram. Well, Man Ram I think the better question is, when is Mariah going to give us all of our damn coffee? It was always like you to be selfish man ram. This is a group effort and you need to realize we all need some free caffeinated drinks. Its 3:30 am as I’m writing this and you don’t think I would like a free caffeinated drink? You monster, mmm… Free Monster Energy Drink. To tell you the truth I don’t know when Mariah is going to give your coffee but it will probably be sometime after you stop acting like Captain Dickless and start ramming some men. And one last piece of advice, remember just because a drink is free doesn’t mean you don’t need to tip. So when you get your coffee take a one dollar bill, stuffed in her brazier, and then pat her on the bum as you call her sweetheart as it is the polite thing to do.
Our last question of the day is from @SHAQ. Shaq asks,
‘Who needs the Oscars…We got THE SHAQTIN’s. U better watch NBA-TV tonight at 730pm… #Shaqtin a Fool midseason awards show… hilarious’
Shaq, you didn’t give me a chance to answer. You answered your own question and I couldn’t have said it better myself because I am also terrible at spelling and grammar. So loyal readers if you are in possession of a time machine go back in time, (or maybe some sort of internet connection that allows you to read blogs from the future) and watch the Shaqtins, they were hilarious. Of the stumbles and bumbles. I have a question, Shaq after all these years, how do you do it?
Log in next week, (people still have to log in to the internet right?), for me solving the worlds problems one tweet at a time…Or who knows maybe the next one won’t be for another three years.
Either way, Get Fucked.
Want to read past episodes of Ted’s Advice Column? Find them here!