The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Well one week in and my new and improved advice is already the most viewed thing in the history of unscene comedy. I got more hits than everything Rich Karski has ever written. Not just for this site but for anything, even stuff he didn’t post it on the internet. Last week I saved three lives and this week I plan on saving three more. Oh and Mr. @shaq is a millionaire now. How many fortunes are you responsible for Karski? So lets get to it.
@NadeenYousef writes, “To Study? OR watch Revenge? OR to sleep out of Boredom? #whattodo”
Well Nadeen I think the first thing you need to do is get better taste in television shows. I think you already know that. Your choice is between watching a show you supposedly like or taking a nap out of boredom. You are so bored by your favorite show that you need to take a nap. A great man once said their is no such thing as boredom, only fear. I can’t remember his name so I’ll just say I said it. What I’m trying to say is you are afraid to come to grips with the fact you have been wasting your life watching awful television. So maybe you should pick up the box set of The Wire and get your mind blown. Also you should study. Stay in school kids! Thats advice for everyone.
Next up, @katstakk writes “Is sad when you cant expect nothing but bad things comin from somebody but at the same time u want them in your life #whattodo #decissions”
Well Kat Sack I would say get your pets spayed and neutered. Then I would say go back and read that last paragraph where I mention staying in school because Jesus Christ you are all over the place in that question. Okay, I just spent five minutes reading over it and I think I got a handle on it. This is dangerously close to a relationship question and like I said last week I’m done with relationship questions. I would say if you are sad just thinking about how shitty this person is going to treat you maybe just maybe you should cut them out of your life. Then you should go watch the Movie Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. Then you will probably miss the point of the movie and you will tell everyone how great it would be if that movie was real so you could scrub your dumb ex-boyfriend from your mind. Next question.
Finally @Arbys writes, “#whiletwitterwasdown we decided to take up a hobby. Wait, does eating a beef n’ cheddar count as a hobby?”
Arby’s you shameless cunts. Well, I got to the third question before I called someone a cunt. You lose again Karski. You said it would be in the introduction. And you said it would be about you. Anyway, Arby’s I guess that is a hobby but so is hitting the gym. Maybe if you worked on yourself more you wouldn’t need to wear that giant cowboy hat to distract from all your cheese sauce covered chins. You should watch Blazing Saddles, a movie that like yourself, I associate with cowboy hats and farting.
Well, three more millionaires and I keep my perfect track record. Suck it Karski.