by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly internet column that also serves as the training manual for Eastern Wyoming’s third most racist militia.
Earlier this week, shots were fired on this very website, by another writer that for the purpose of this column we will call Ned Nettingell. Ned resorted to childish personal attacks, and even suggested that because his column had more readers it was more helpful than mine, simply because he chooses to help famous millionaires instead of reaching his hand down to help the common man. Maybe Ned’s column had more page-views, but this is because he is catering to a crowd that can afford computers, internet access, and homes.
Most of my readership results from my column being transcribed from memory onto Family Dollar receipts and passed along through the underground, which isn’t going to show up on any fancy internet website clicking report. I would not go so far as to call myself a hero, but since I started writing this column and stopped writing my gambling column, six fewer readers per week have been committing suicide. Those numbers don’t lie.
Another thing I would never do is resort to calling out a fellow writer by name, and attacking his talent or his character, especially one so clearly learning disabled as Ned. Why am I choosing to be the bigger man? Because I have something called “etiquette.” So if you’re reading this Ned (and I know dyslexia makes reading very difficult so I appreciate it if you are) take some notes, because this week I am teaching you all
HOW TO BEHAVE ON THE INTERNET!
STEP ONE: Figuring Out What The Fuck Even Is The Internet and
How Do You Get There
So back in like 1988, computers were invented so that kids at school could play Oregon Trail and teachers could nurse their hangovers in relative peace and quiet. It wasn’t until about ten years later that computers started popping up in homes, but what for? Nobody knew. Until all of a sudden five or six mysterious CDs would show up at each household every day, containing what would later come to be known as “the internet.” These CDs were sent by America Online, which is now I think a chain of gas stations, and they allowed the average person a chance to “surf” the “web” for up to fifteen minutes at a time until their mom forgot and accidentally picked up the phone. The internet back then was comprised mostly of horny men in chat rooms, which is a far cry from the sad men with blogs that make up most of today’s internet.
“So the internet comes from CDs and the old phone at my mom’s house?” No you twat, that’s where the internet — USED to come from. It now comes from the sky and goes into your cell phone. Do you have a cell phone? Of course you do, even South Americans have cell phones. Are you near the sky? Good! You have the internet! Getting on the internet is as easy as looking at your phone and figuring out which little icon guy means “internet.” Some newer, fancier phones even just let you yell “internet” or “google” into the mouth part of the phone and that will take you there. Pretty simple stuff. So now that you know how to get to the internet and where it came from, you can learn how to be a responsible member of the online community.
STEP TWO: Pretending You Are Someone Else
So now you’re on the internet, and you realize that everyone here is kind of shitty and racist, and you think to yourself “Wow, I wish I had the courage to be shitty and racist online. But what if someone wants to hold me accountable for my thoughts and ideas?” Buddy, you have no fucking idea. Accountability DOES NOT EXIST on the internet if you don’t want it to. Spiros Vondopoulos summed up the internet perfectly when he said “He knows my name, but my name is not my name.” What? You haven’t seen “The Wire?” Didn’t Te- sorry, NED tell you to go watch that earlier this week?
Anyway, the point is he got to do whatever the fuck he wanted because if anybody came looking for him they would hit a dead end because he used a fake name. This is what you’re supposed to do online. Don’t like the president because he’s a black guy and want to tell the world? Go for it! YOU’RE not the racist, FalseFLAG6969 is the racist! Think consent is overrated? YOU’RE not a terrible shit excuse for a person, LAXBRO87 is! The further you distance yourself from your true identity, the more awful you get to be without consequence. Even I do it. You think “Rich Karski” is a real person? Please! I just pretend to be a shitty open mic comic from Boston with substance abuse issues and a gambling problem so that all of my wealthy banker friends don’t find out that I’m slumming it with you plebes and kick me out of the yacht club. Trust me, if I were REALLY this “Rich Karski” guy I would have killed myself a long time ago.
STEP THREE: Taking All Of The Quizzes
This is a very important part of establishing your online persona and letting everybody know just what type of person you are on the internet. Why would you take the time and effort to develop an identity when you can let Buzzfeed do it for you? These quizzes will do more to help you find your true self than any sexually adventurous backpacking trip through Europe could ever hope to do. Nobody’s online experience is complete until they and all of their friends become fully aware of which shirt style or sweetened beverage or Law and Order detective they are (I got T, iced tea, and Ice-T!) Make sure to lie when taking these quizzes to make yourself seem cooler than you actually are.
This goes back to step number two, as it isn’t really important for you to know which “Real World” house you should live in, but it is VERY important that all of your friends think you should live in the coolest one (San Diego) based on your cool answers to even cooler questions. Every person you know is going to judge you based on your Buzzfeed quiz results and nobody wants to get stuck with Belle as their Disney Princess and look like some fucking nerd who talks to cups and fucks a large dog. Have some self-respect.
STEP FOUR: Creating Content
This is how you separate the big dogs from the little pups on the web. If you want to truly be a powerful and respected online presence, you need to enter the realm of the content creator. First off, what is content? Well, you know those quizzes we were just talking about and all those links people send you with headlines like “A Little Girl Tries to Kiss A Shark, What Happens Next Will Restore Your Fear in Sharks.” All of that is content. And creating it is easy! I am literally doing it right now and I’m not even allowed to vote.
It used to be, in the time before the internet, that content was called “books” and you had to be either smart or interesting or talented to “create” these. Well get that shit the fuck out of here because we’re online now. It’s the goddamned wild west of content and you gotta dynamite that bank vault that is your idiot brain and start spilling its gold nuggets onto the shit-covered streets of the World Wide Web. You can create content about anything and spoon feed it to the rest of the idiots online and you will gain as much power and adoration as even the most respected king.
Here’s an example. Take your shirt off. Notice ten things about having your shirt off. Now write an article titled “Ten Things That Only Guys With Their Shirts Off Will Notice” and become an internet sensation. People will read your list and say “Wow I bet if I had my shirt off I would have noticed those things too!” and they will soon become hungry for more of your content.
STEP FIVE: Posting Nudes
Everybody does it and you don’t want to be left out. Just post them. You’re not even allowed on the internet anymore unless you can be found naked on the internet. It’s common courtesy and considered the height of rudeness if you don’t show your junk to everyone online. Again, this is about etiquette.
Well there you have it. Five easy steps to make sure you behave online in a way that gets you respect and possibly jewels.
Maybe if Ned spent more time posting nudes and less time insulting me he would probably have way more fans and everyone wouldn’t talk behind his back about what a prude he is and how he must be ashamed of his body. Your move Nettingell…