HOW TO! #5: How to get a date!
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that tries to drag you out of that hole your liberal arts degree dug for you.
Writing this column is becoming the highlight of my week. I never realized how satisfying it could be to help the less fortunate, and pass down my knowledge to those in desperate need. So which personal defect of yours are we going to tackle today? While I’d like to tackle each individual shortcoming my readers have, in this column I need to paint in broad strokes. I need to be as helpful as I can to as many people as possible, which is an unbelievable burden and you should consider yourselves lucky that I’m willing to shoulder it or else the lot of you would probably end up trapped under a wagon or kidnapped by gypsies. So while I unfortunately cannot fix your snaggletooth, or your dandruff, or your cystic fibrosis, what I can do is give you ways to trick people into not noticing these things or at least pretending that they don’t in an effort to spare your feelings. That’s why this week, I am going to solve your problems with the opposite sex (or same sex! We appreciate all kinds here at UnScene) and make sure you don’t die alone with your hand around your johnson and a belt around your neck by teaching you:
HOW TO GET A DATE
STEP ONE: Changing Your Looks and Personality
Yes, I know, everyone is a unique and delicate flower blah blah nobody likes you. When it all comes down to it, that’s why you don’t have a date. People find you and everything you’re about objectionable. Sure, you’ve been led to believe that someone will find you perfect just the way you are and love you for what’s inside but how is that working out for you? That’s what I thought. That’s why you need to change all of that shit that everybody hates and make yourself more palatable to another human seeking a companion.
For example, what type of things do you like? Probably nerd things. Stop liking those things. Gross. Like other, better things. Like, I don’t know, hiking. You don’t have to actually like hiking because nobody does, but everyone RESPECTS hiking, and nobody will call you a worthless mutant for saying hiking is a thing that you’re into. Also, look at yourself. Would you date you? *plays “Goodbye Horses,” tucks junk back, frowns and shakes head* Exactly. Looking less gross is a big part of this. A good way to look less gross is to work out but that sucks a lot so what you’re going to want to do instead is just buy better clothes and get a haircut that looks really stupid like it’s from either the future or the very distant past. Basically what you’re going for is a look that says “Time-traveling hiker” and a personality that says “Star Wars? What’s that?” Once you have accomplished these things then, and ONLY THEN is it time to move on to step two.
STEP TWO: Socializing with Actual People
So now that you’re less appalling, you can take the step of actually going out and trying to meet people. I’m guessing you’ve probably fallen in love with other weird and awful people on the internet at some point but they’re not real because the internet itself isn’t real which means you’re not actually reading this column right now which is great because I’m sick of writing. Go out and talk to a real person in real life. I’ll wait…
…pretty awful, right? Well, were you drunk? Because, you should always be drunk. Intoxication not only makes other people more tolerable, but it also makes you believe that you’re more tolerable to them. Even charming. But you’re not charming, so it helps to be in a situation where they are drunk too. Now, for the record I am NOT advocating any kind of date rape, I am simply telling you to be drunk and also around drunk people so they don’t see what a pathetic bore you are and will think that spending more time with you isn’t the worst idea they’ve ever had. Even though it probably is. But hey, we’re just trying to get you one date here. Foot in the door, elevator lobby type shit. Now, maybe you’re the type that doesn’t drink *cough* pussy *cough* *keeps coughing* *coughs a lot more* Okay, sorry. *coughs a little* So anyway. If you don’t drink, there are other slightly more terrible ways to socialize with people. I don’t know… golf? Maybe join some sort of annoying political movement. Those people have too much time on their hands and you would be doing society a favor by getting them off the streets for a couple of hours while you take them to dinner or a movie or a cockfight.
STEP THREE: Having a Lot of Stuff
Part of getting a date is appearing as if you have something that other people want. What do other people want? Stuff. Do you have stuff? Good, that’s a start. How much stuff? Not all that much? Well that’s going to be a problem. For anybody to want to date you, you need to have a fuck-ton of stuff. Why? Because a person that has a ton of stuff obviously knows how to get stuff and therefore can get more stuff you fucking idiot. And people see this and think “Hey, maybe some of that more stuff will be for me!” That’s how you hook them. This is the historical basis of all dating, as back in the day you could buy a woman with a farm or a mill and you could lure a husband with your dad’s farm or mill. History is always right. It isn’t enough to just have stuff, however. You also need to make it look like you don’t care that you have a lot of stuff. “Oh, that collection of Faberge eggs? Just something I came across during my travels to the Orient. I just needed something to take up space on my bookshelf next to my Hemingway first editions and my original copy of the King James Bible.” I know you’re probably thinking “All that sounds pretty expensive…” and that’s because it is because nobody is ever going to want to date you if you’re poor.
STEP FOUR: Not Being Poor
As stated above, this is very important. You might be thinking “But Rich, poor people must get dates all the time! How else would they keep making other, tiny poor people?” And that’s a valid question if you don’t know anything about how the economy works and you have suffered a head injury. Poor people don’t date, they just get careless with contraception in parking lots. If you’re poor, and you’re just looking for meaningless trailer park sex that produces poor gross babies covered in soot, then stop reading this column right now and Godspeed to you. If, however, you’re looking to date a REAL PERSON then we’re going to need to focus on getting you to stop being so poor and therefore bad. The quickest way to stop being immediately poor is to sell things that you have, or in business terms “liquidate your assets.” “But Rich,” you may say, and trust me I’m already getting annoyed by your fucking questions but proceed anyway so I can eviscerate you “doesn’t selling my stuff go against rule number three?” Yes it does and don’t you think I thought of that already or am I just going to contradict my rules like I’m the government or something? Why do you think they use the term “liquidate?” Because the easiest things to sell are liquids, i.e. bodily fluids i.e. your blood, plasma, semen, or eggs. Basically farming out your insides for cash is the easiest way to make money and constantly feel kind of dizzy. The black market will also offer decent prices on a kidney, pieces of a liver, and any babies you may have had in your poor days, so shop around a little bit and try to get good value. Women, you can even rent your womb for a nice mint to rich ladies who don’t want their downstairs savaged by the exit of a small human. The possibilities are almost endless, and always, ALWAYS better than being a poor person.
STEP FIVE: Settling
Okay, so we’ve finally gotten to the REAL TALK portion of this How To. If you’ve made yourself a social, ungross, non-poor with a ton of stuff, and you STILL can’t get a date, the problem may lie in your expectations. The saying goes “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” But what they don’t tell you is that when the honey gets too crowded with like a million flies diving into it and dying, and the vinegar is all that is left, one desperate fly is going to say “Eh, why not?” and go drown in the vinegar. You might need to be that fly. Now settling isn’t all that bad, because knowing your partner is lesser than you provides all types of advantages! Right off the bat you don’t have to worry about rejection because they are lucky you took the time to talk to them in the first place! They’re also probably great at sex because let’s face it they have to be. Also, if it turns into a long term thing, infidelity won’t be a concern because come on, it’s not like they could do better! Also, if you settle, you can feel free to let yourself go and start undoing all the work from step one because hey, if they’re awful, there’s no reason you can’t be awful too, right? Think about it. Maybe settling is what you should have been doing all along.
Anyway, that’s five easy steps on how to get a date.
Now get out there and hide your flaws from the world until some poor person is stuck dealing with them forever!