HOW TO! #4: How to write a resume!
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly internet column that identifies your weaknesses and pummels them out of you like your high school gym teacher should have done a long time ago.
Alright, I do my best around here not to make unfair assumptions about my readers, and now that I got that lie out of the way, let me make some unfair assumptions about my readers. Firstly, I’m going to assume you’re reading this in various states of undress, not due to any type of human sexual contact, but mostly due to the fact that the basic components of an outfit are not within arm’s reach of your soiled futon. Secondly, I am assuming that you’re reading this at home, on a weekday, because you are either unemployed, or employed at a job that doesn’t require you to wake up before noon or bathe. THAT is what I plan on fixing for you today. No, not your poor hygiene, the job thing. “You’re going to give me a job?!” you might be asking because you’re a fucking dolt and you can’t read the rest of the damn paragraph before opening your slob mouth. The answer to that is: No, you horse’s ass. I’m going to give you the TOOLS to get YOURSELF a job. “But how are you going to do that?” you ask, ignoring again that I FUCKING TOLD YOU that I would be getting to that shortly. Ugh, you people are fucking exhausting, so let me just get to it. Since I prefer an audience of dignified, high class, polite society types, this week I will use my superior knowledge of business to teach you jobless wastes:
HOW TO WRITE A RESUME!
STEP ONE: Formatting the Shit Out of It
If you’re going to write a proper resume for business, you’re going to want to format the shit out of it. Formatting a resume to get a job in business is a tedious process, so the best thing to do is steal one from the internet. And now that you’re already stealing, have you ever considered just stealing money? Jobs aren’t particularly fun, but as anyone can tell you crime is fun and also good for you and probably the economy too. Maybe stealing money is the way to go and I should just teach you how to do that. Nah, I’ve already typed kind of a lot. No turning back now… RESUME THE RESUMES! (See what I did there? That’s fucking word-play.) Your resume format should look like a dumb bullet point list of bullshit, and we’ll get to the contents of that dumb bullshit shortly. Most importantly though, you’re going to want to put your shitty idiot name at the top (I bet your name is something dumb like Mark. Fuck you Mark.) You will also need other contact information, such as your phone number/email address/home address or address of the 7/11 you hang outside of not necessarily turning tricks but not necessarily turning the opportunity down should it arise. This way, once your prospective employer gets their dick (or pussy, women can be bosses too you guys!) blown off by the new resume I will have helped you craft, they know how and where to reach you.
STEP TWO: Adding the Appropriate Information
Ahh, the ever important step of figuring out what exactly in the fresh heck are you supposed to fill this damn paper with. Most people are going to tell you that “education” and “relevant work experience” are good starting points but those people probably got their jobs because their sister used to bang a sales manager and he thought maybe he could come back for a second slice by throwing her idiot brother a bone (I SEE YOU MARK!) But let’s face it, if you’re reading this column you probably have none of those things anyway. Plus, if you want to get a job doing business, you’re going to want to stand out (more on this later.) People in business want RESULTS. You’re going to want to let business know that you’re the type of ruthless motherfucker that GETS. SHIT. DONE. I would suggest adding a list of enemies and large animals that you have vanquished in hand to hand combat. And don’t be afraid to embellish a little bit. Say you’ve never actually “vanquished” anything because you’re a sad filthy husk of a person, well it doesn’t take much imagination to turn everyday events into personal glories. Ever tell a dog to sit? Well then you’ve “bent the will of beasts to respect your majesty.” Ever been almost hit by a car? Then you’ve “stared down danger and defied impending death.” Every little thing helps, because you want business to know that you are not the type of person to be fucked with. Maybe just put that right at the top. “DO NOT FUCK WITH ME.” Business likes a person who can get down to business. That’s why it’s called that in the first place.
STEP THREE: Using Keywords and Phrases
A lot of jobs in business will use computer robots to filter out resumes based on certain words and phrases that match criteria set by the employer. What you’re going to want to do here is make sure your resume uses keywords that these computer robots are going to pick up on to pass your resume along to a business human, and avoid words and phrases that are likely to get it flagged or deleted. For instance, avoid using words and phrases such as “murder” or “Satan” or “I fucked your sister in high school.” Instead, use words and phrases that will let them know you are the right person for the job, such as “jobman” or “good work person” or “never been to jail.” If you have been to jail, make sure to put “only been to jail once.” Because even if you’ve been to jail more than once, why would you admit to having been to jail but lie about how many times you were there? Sometimes you have to trick business for their own good.
STEP FOUR: Standing Out in the Crowd
This is a crucial step, because any idiot can write a normal resume on some normal paper and send it as a normal email attachment. And guess what? Business is going to look at your normal resume and be like “Oh, another one of these stupid normal resumes. Who does this asshole think I am? Fuck you Mr. Normal-Ass-Resume-Writing Motherfucker. We want innovation around here! Linda! Mail this person a bomb because their resume is so boring that I would like for them to explode and DIE.” Now you don’t want to explode and die do you? (NOTE: If you DO want to explode and die, I would suggest seeking some professional help. I know things may seem rough at the moment, but death is not the answer. There are people out there who care about you. Unless you are Mark, you little rat-eyed fuck you should die under a bridge where you belong.) The best way to prevent this reaction to your resume is to think up new and creative delivery methods to make sure it gets in the right person’s hands and they will never forget who got it there. I would suggest taping your resume to some cats, and then setting them loose in the offices of business. Once they finally catch all of those cats (I would say 12 is a decent number) they’re going to want to talk to the person who sent them. Using one cat is not ideal, because after they catch it they may see the attached resume and assume the cat is the one applying for the job, and it is not going to help your self-esteem if you lose out on a job to a cat. Even when using multiple cats I would suggest adding “CAT IS NOT THE APPLICANT” to the bottom of your resume to avoid any confusion.
STEP FIVE: Attaching Nudes (Unless You’re Gross)
When dealing with business, one thing you need to realize is that everyone at all times is going to wonder what you look like naked. This is a very sexual atmosphere, with all the deals closing and budget proposals and synergy and what not, so you’re going to want to get out in front of this and take away the mystery right off the bat. Now you’re probably thinking “But what if I’m gross?” and I already fucking told you in the title of the section don’t attach nudes if you’re gross. To clarify, that doesn’t mean don’t attach ANY nudes. Just not nudes of your own gross flabby torso and mangled genitals. Maybe attach some pleasant nudes, because that says “Hey, even if I look disgusting nude myself, I’m the type of person that can get you the nudes you want.” Business needs people like that.
So there you go. Five easy steps for getting yourself one of those high-paying business jobs that you see on television.
It’s all caviar and yachts and trips to rehab to “clear your head” from here on out.