Chapter 7: “To Kill a Shocking Turn”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!
Sitting in the back of a squad car. On my way to jail. Trying to remember all my favorite Smash Mouth songs… wait a minute, I hate Smash Mouth! Prison really does change you and I haven’t even gotten there yet. Worse yet I got to listen to the two punks in blue up front talk.
“No, Flynn I didn’t. Did you?”
“What’d you watch?”
“I don’t know I just turned it on and kinda just let it be. I’ve been pretty lonely ever since my kid left me.”
“Oh I know what you mean. My child has also left me.”
“Oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I can’t take anymore of this!” I screamed because, I couldn’t take anymore of it.
“Well maybe you should have thought about that before you murdered that weird thing.” Flynn said as he raised his hand to Jim hoping for a high five.
It was a high five that would never come.
Hell City has only ever made two national lists in it’s stupid, dumb life. The first was number 3 for the country’s Drunkest Churches. The second was number 1 in the nation’s Worst Prisons. Just like the new Batman movie, there’s no bail for murderers (get it?). Long weekend means I can’t even get in front of a judge till Tuesday. So it looks like I’ll be spending the next three days at Li’l Lisa Prison for Girls. Don’t let the name fool you. It’s the most hardcore and brutal prison on the planet. It got it’s funny name from a local newspaper contest, Name Your Prison and You Can Win a Lifetime Supply of Dogfood. The little piece of shit that won didn’t even have a dog. Sparked the biggest controversy in the town since that piper tricked everyone into leading all our rats into the neighboring town of Hecksville. We love our rats.
We get to the prison a little after 7. We made great time. The next few hours come like a blur to me. There was some fingerprinting.
I gave some old lady my wallet and keys. Filled out some forms. Sprayed with a hose. Had to save a youth center from being torn down by big business.
…That last part may have been a plot line from an episode of Chill Dudes.
“F. Nailes. Here’s your cell. Lights out in an hour. Don’t make any forts with your pillows. Oh and here’s play nice with your cellmate, Little Dipper.” The guard pulls in close with a twinkle in his ear and a wink on his tongue. “His name’s ironic. He’s actually pretty large.”
The guard walks down the hall whistling the theme from Escape From the Planet of the Apes. I sit on the edge of my bed trying to think of happy memories to prevent myself from crying. Can’t think of any. Got to get a new brain. Why is there a bear in my cell? The bear stands up and turns around. Oh wait, I think that’s Little Dipper.
“A/S/L.” Little Dipper says as he stares at me with eyes that have definitely seen some shit. Maybe a lot of shit even. But at the very least some shit.
“Uh excuse me?”
“Age, sex, location.”
“Um. 52, male, and uh here.”
“You know we got a system here in the slammer. You either get fucked or you tell us a story to distract us from wanting to fuck you. So what’s it gonna be? Story time or whory time?”
I swallowed my gum. Hope he likes morality tales with allegorical twist endings.