FAUX NEWS: Studies Show Not All Snowflakes Beautiful & Unique: Millions Devastated/Shocked

Simon the Sub-Par Snowman: Official Spokesperson for USS

Studies Show Not All Snowflakes Beautiful & Unique:

Millions of Self-righteous Losers Devastated/Shocked

– by Christa Weiss

 

A recent study by the Meteorological Association for the Mundane proves that not all snowflakes are beautiful and unique. The vast majority of snowflakes are in fact, found to be ugly, useless and boring. Said snowflakes would be, however, well suited for mid-level office management positions.

The changing metaphor has hit many uncomfortably close to home.

 

 

“I used to think my opinions were important, regardless of whether or not I knew anything at all about the topic in question. I’m really going to need to rethink some things” Says professional, blogger, troll and outragist, Cornelius J. Worthington IV, or @dickbutt69, as he’s more commonly known.

Still others feel liberated.

“I used to think my little Jimmy would be an Olympic soccer player some day. Now I’ve realized that he’s just like any other 8 year old with a club foot.” says Jane White, 38 of Wisconsin.

“Screw living vicariously through my dumb kid! I’m going to Vegas!”

Ugly Snowflake Syndrome or USS has also had an effect on the economy. According to the Dow Jones Industrial Index, trophy stock is down a record 6,000%. This shift has forced individuals in the Acknowledgment and Praise industry to think of creative new ways to market their products.

“While our ‘Great Job!’ and ‘You Did a Thing!’ award sales are down, our new ‘You’ve Recognized Your Own Individual Worthlessness’ trophy sales are steadily climbing.” Says Bill Powers, owner of Good Effort! Awards.

While the long-term effects of USS are still not known, the economic downturn seems temporary.

“If there’s one thing we know for certain, it’s that there’s always worth in worthlessness—that is of course unless you’re poor!” a hopeful Powers remarks.

 

Editor’s Note: Three days after his interview with Faux News, @dickbutt69 was found dead after passing out into a mixing bowl full of Cheese Wiz. “He died how he lived.” Sources say.



Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at UnSceneComedy.com. Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).