Chapter 5, Part 1: “I’d Stop the World and Die With You”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!
The ground was shaking more fiercely than a jackhammer with Parkinson’s. Not sure if that’s offensive but I’m probably going to die soon so I figured I better get everything out that I’ve always been too afraid to say. “I thought the Phantom Menace had some good parts to it.” Whew it felt good to get that off my chest. “Quick everyone, it’s an earthquake. We should get to a basement. Or is it an attic. Let’s split the difference and hang out in the foyer until this all blows over.”
“You numbskull.” Ginocolli shot some verbal bullets out of his mouth gun at me. “It’s not an earthquake.”
Butt Plug Bennetti stradled his way up to me. “You ruined the ceremony, you incompetent boob.”
“How is sliding into ol’ home plate over there, dick first, a ceremony?”
“Well you’ve already caused the end of the world. We might as well tell you why.”
Lil’ Capone said. His weird electric dick device still humming like a boy who just got first place in a fucking contest. “We are the 12-Fingered Hand of Crime. But don’t get it twisted. We’re not just gangsters that like to get high and have sex with women who aren’t our wives.”
“Although that is part of it!” Butt Plug Bennetti said as he snorted powdered gold off of Highway Sally’s jugs.
“Yes, well, as I was saying we also are all that’s standing between life as we know it and this planet turning into the universe’s ultimate shit stain. Hell City was built upon a dimensional rift that leads to a reality filled with untold horrors that would make Lord of the Rings look like Honey I Shrunk the Kid. Only one creature has ever successfully made it over to our world though and that was their queen.
Unfortunately for her, she manifested here while me and my men were burying some bodies, hey fuggedaboutit! My men and I put more holes in her than an M. Night Shyamalan script but you know what they say. You can’t keep a good bitch down. That’s when I picked up the device she used to travel here.” LC pointed to the out of this world electric dick belt he was still wearing.
“Ohh, I thought that was just some weird sex thing.”
“Yeah. It’s that too. But we were able to trap her inside of it. Can’t seem to contain her forever though. That’s why every three years we indoctrinate a new member to our ever growing fist of crime. You see the only way we’re able to contain her again and again is by the friction and power that is created in this place, going down that slide, and prick-plungin’ it into a male virgin asshole.”
Like the second act of a play in the South, the shaking was getting more and more intense. “Well is there still time to jam it all up in there?” I asked. I can’t die today. I just can’t. Too much stuff on my Netflix queue.
“Actually there may be a way!” Lil’ Capone screamed as his eyes lit up wide. “If I just reverse the-” He was cut off as his creepy cockpiece exploded.
A tentacle rose up from the hole where his dick used to be.
It wrapped around his neck and started squeezing it like it was working overtime at an orange juice factory. “He.. lp this ack eallys ucks.” LC’s face grew bloated and red. His eyes popped out and made a sound that can only be described as squishy ishy. His body slumped to the floor and from the husk of a man a creature emerged, tearing and ripping his body apart to make her entrance into the world.
The dark she-bitch stood up and casually brushed some human debris off her shoulder and with a bequeathed,