DICK PICKS: UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
– by Rich Karski
So, here we are again. Me, pretending I know things about sports and you, pretending you didn’t click on the link to this column hoping to see a penis.
We’re almost 25% done with the NFL season right now, which is bullshit because I feel like we’re also about 25% done with baseball season at this point as well. Who even watches regular season baseball? Math nerds and old racists is who. Anyway, one thing I like to do after the first three weeks of the season is take stock in what we really actually know about teams, and use that as a benchmark for how I bet the next few weeks before weird injuries or random breakout players screw everything up and I have to go back to square one.
So what do we actually know about teams this year? Surprisingly little! We know who the best teams are (Denver, Seattle) and we know who the worst teams are (Jacksonville, Tampa Bay) but that’s about it. Everyone else is either overachieving and likely to come down to earth, or underachieving and likely to pick things up soon. This can mean only one thing: I’m going to lose a LOT of money this week guessing which team fits which profile. Last week my picks went an admirable 10-5-1, so expect a steep drop off from that. On to the picks, home team in caps.
San Francisco -3 vs. ST. LOUIS
Same deal as last week. Everyone sucks on Thursdays so take the better defense here. Every time that goddamned McDonald’s wings commercial with Colin Kaepernick and Joe Flacco comes on I want to kick my television into the sun. First of all, comparing those two to Michael Jordan and Larry Bird is absurd. Second of all, it’s like neither of them even WANTS those fucking wings. Where’s the passion? And when the lights cut out, WHO STOLE THE WINGS?! *cut to Harbaugh brothers first playfully, then aggressively trying to shove the wings into each other’s assholes*
Pittsburgh -1.5 vs. Minnesota (Game in London)
You know how in WWII the Germans bombed the shit out of London and it took decades for the city to recover? That’s basically what this game is, only with interceptions. Nothing to set back years of progress in breaking through to overseas markets like a Ben Roethlisberger/Christian Ponder suckfest. This is going to lead to an entire generation of young British NFL fans thinking the object of the game is to throw the ball to the other team and then walk off the field shaking your head. Then they’ll probably say something like “Oy this chav’s done pinged me pork-wobbler!” because British people are fucking insane.
Baltimore -3 vs BUFFALO
Again, I feel like I should be taking the Bills at home, but Baltimore looked like they finally put it together last week, and the Bills looked like garbage against the Jets, who we know are bad. I think Buffalo is just too injured to compete in this game. Which brings me to my next point: The Buffalo Bills- Why? I mean, I get that people in upstate New York don’t really have anything else going for them, but wouldn’t moving this team be the NFL equivalent of a mercy killing? Why saddle this already miserable area with an equally miserable football team that just pushes their fans deeper into depression? Even just writing about the Bills gets me depressed, and I don’t even like them. It really says something about your city when I’m forced to write about how awful it would be to live there and the team you’re playing is from Baltimore. Also Jacoby Jones may miss the game after being bottled by a stripper. If this hadn’t been leaked to the papers he could’ve just explained that he had been hit by a Mercedes and not technically been lying (because strippers are often named after luxury automobiles. Stay with me here, this humor is a little high-brow.)
Cincinnati -4.5 vs. CLEVELAND
HAHAHAHA Cleveland you idiot. You can’t even lose like you’re supposed to! Dumping Trent Richardson was supposed to give the Browns an inside track on the number one pick and their choice of quarterbacks in the 2014 draft, and now they’ve ensured that a potentially worse team with an equally bad quarterback will have the tiebreaker over them for draft position. And speaking of horrible cities, Ohio is chock full of them, with these two shittropolises (shittropoli?) easily being the worst. At least when the next race riot breaks out in Cincy and their police chief gets fired, he’s got his degree from the University of Phoenix to fall back on.
Indianapolis -7 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Jacksonville is one of those rare teams that has zero strengths and all weaknesses. They literally do nothing well. When you’re this remarkable at sucking, you have to figure it would be impossible for your team to suck any worse. Then when your coach says he is considering going back to Blaine Gabbert at quarterback, you realize you have figured wrong.
Seattle -3 vs HOUSTON
Jesus what is with the road favorites this week, and why do I keep picking them? Oh yeah, Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub is why. Seattle looks like one of the two best teams in the league so far, which sucks because Pete Carroll is the worst and I wish him nothing but abject failure and heart disease. Pete Carroll is the type of guy who will rev his motorcycle in front of a crowd of 20-something women and after they roll their eyes at him he’ll just smirk and say to himself “Yeah, they totally dig me.” Fuck Pete Carroll.
Arizona +3 vs. TAMPA BAY
Arizona safety Rashad Johnson injured his middle finger in Sunday’s game, and when he took off his glove, the top of his middle finger WAS STILL INSIDE THE GLOVE! That is metal as hell and if you expect me to pick against that this week then you know nothing about me. Tampa has become one of my favorite teams to watch this year solely based on Greg Schiano getting mad on the sidelines and looking like he isn’t exactly sure why he’s mad, but he knows he’s supposed to be. I hope Greg Schiano coaches in the NFL for a very long time.
DETROIT -3 vs Chicago
Yikes, this is the first home team I’ve picked so far, and I don’t even feel that great about it. I’m fully prepared to go 1-14 this week. It’s looking like Jay Cutler is playing well enough to earn himself a huge contract extension from the Bears and the ability to continue being Jay Cutler for years to come. I’m going to Chicago in a few weeks, and while I’m there I will have to listen to idiot Bears fans tell me how much they would rather have Jay Cutler than Tom Brady any day. These are also people who believe that the Super Bowl has not been played since the 1985 season. I will not be having a good time.
KANSAS CITY -4 vs. NY Giants
Well here it is. The week that I pick against the Giants and they screw me by putting up 38 points on the road. Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning live to ruin my Sundays. But hey, maybe they’re actually a disaster this year? That would be fun. Also fun: watching Andy Reid stare at his play-sheet and try to focus on football when you know he’s thinking about pound cake.
TENNESSEE -4.5 vs. NY Jets
The Jets are 2-1! The Titans are 2-1! Which of these teams will lose their next seven games and get their coach fired?! I’m banking on the Jets. Tennessee is one of those teams that I hope is never good because even if they are nobody cares. If they don’t have big orange T’s on their helmets, people in their state couldn’t give a shit about them. Also, fuck the Titans for benching Kenny Britt because Kenny Britt is a fucking G and now he’s going to go home to New Jersey and cause a ruckus. Kenny Britt should not be allowed in New Jersey.
SAN DIEGO +2 vs. Dallas
“Hey Dallas looked great against the Rams last week, I should take them as road favorites against San Diego.” NO. This is what Tony Romo and Jason Garrett want you to think. They want you to believe they have put it together, and that this is the season they finally make a playoff run. NO. They will lose this game, and lose it spectacularly, because that’s what the Cowboys do. Also this year the AFC is 11-3 (Holy shit! Really?!) against the NFC, including the AFC West being 4-0 vs. the NFC East. I like that to continue this week.
OAKLAND +3 vs. Washington
I continue to roll with the AFC West this weekend as Bobby Griffiths Jr. makes his first visit to the Black Hole (or his 200th if you count that DC gay bar he likes so much. JOKES!) The A’s are in the playoffs, so we’re on horrific-knee-injury watch any time Bobby Griffiths Jr. tries to run the ball near the infield dirt in the Coliseum. I like that some columnists have boycotted using the name “Redskins” when they write, and I’m going to do the same if only because it lets me come up with fun names to use that more accurately describe the team instead. Washington Shitwagons? Washington Corpsefire? The possibilities are endless! (He says, after coming up with two possibilities and then quitting because thinking is hard.)
Philadelphia +11 vs. DENVER
And I immediately jump off the AFC West bandwagon in what seems like the easiest game to pick them. Well this is how I see this game going: Denver goes up 34-10, so I turn the game off. Then I check my phone and Philadelphia has scored two garbage-time touchdowns to make it 34-24 and backdoor the spread. Then I yell “What the fuck?!” Then I punch a wall. Then my dog gets scared. Then I apologize to my dog. Then I get worried that my apology isn’t enough. Then I give him a nice little snack. Then he’s happy again. It’s okay little buddy! Who’s my chubby little guy?
ATLANTA -1 vs. New England
The Pats have played three atrocious teams, and are lucky to be 3-0 after beating only one of them convincingly. The Falcons could also be 3-0 if they had gotten some of the luck the Patriots have, or if they knew how to tackle. Going into the season I thought it would be impossible for the Falcons to be favored by fewer than three points at home, but here we are. I think New England’s defense folds against a competent quarterback, and the offense hasn’t made enough progress to keep up in this one. Basically the Falcons really need this game, and the Pats kind of don’t, so I’m going to be really angry that I have to miss Breaking Bad to watch this.
NEW ORLEANS -6 vs. Miami
I don’t think Miami is that good to begin with, and being without Cameron Wake against the Saints’ offense is going to be a huge problem. Also, Rob Ryan’s defense has been shockingly effective in New Orleans. I think living in a city that condones public drunkenness has revitalized his career. I bet sometimes he gets confused and just starts yelling “Show me your tits!” at his defense until someone reminds him where he is. Then he gets sad because he has to wait until after the game to see tits. Stupid football, getting in the way of Big Rob’s Titty Time.
LAST WEEK’S RECORD: 10-5-1 *karate noises*