America’s Next Top Meme

Pirate, Unicorn, Mustache, LolCat: America’s Next Top Meme

Memes. What is a meme exactly? From what I can gather, it’s an image, video or concept[1] that endlessly repeats all over every square inch of internet until it loses all meaning and becomes a t-shirt at Newbury comics. At one point said meme might have actually been (kind of) funny[2] but mostly memes are just an accumulation of a bunch of cultural garbage that has been hastily slapped together by either A) a 14 year old boy or B) a real adult man who acts like a 14 year old boy.

Its appears that viral internet nonsense has begun to replace art, comedy and literacy as a whole, which in my opinion, is totally f-ing lame. Who will write the next great American novel? When will there be another F. Scott Fitzgerald or Keroac? Who will be the voice of OUR generation? Well friends, the book as already been written, our fate sealed. It’s called the LOLcat Bible and we all should be ashamed of ourselves[3].

As a demonstration of mourning for what popular art and culture has become, I’ve developed the melancholy swan song of our once great species, compiled…IN LIST FORM:

The (2nd half of) 2013 Stupid Meme & Internet Cultural Trend Forecast Thing JKLOLOMFUG!!!

Animal meme with meaningless words typed across it:
Out: Any animal that isn’t a cat, ya know, like that walrus or whatever. Cats will rein the internet throughout all eternity.

In: Goldfish, but not like a pet store goldfish, one of those gross carp you win from a toothless man at a carnival that dies 3 days later.

Tired of cute, cuddly animals spouting nonsensical phrases in baby talk? Then goldfish
are the hot new meme for you! With a life span of just 3 days and a memory of just 3 seconds, the goldfish is the most relatable animal to internet audiences worldwide. Since the average time spent on a web page about 10 seconds and the average life of a meme lasts from a few days to a few months, the goldfish will never know the pain it is to be forgotten by the ones that once loved it. I can haz dignity and self- respect? No, sweet goldfish, no.
Ironic Facial hair
Out: Gross mustaches, homeless guy beards
In: Hitler mustaches

Are your painstakingly chiseled mustaches and beards not repelling the ladies like they damn well should? Contrary to popular belief, broads love those things[4]. Really want to both repel the ladies AND strike fear into the hearts of men? Hitler mustaches are the way to go! Hitler cats have had an internet presence for quite some time, but it’s time to bring Hitler mustaches to the world at large. Brand animal memes, coffee mugs, cookie cutters, viral videos and of course, your face, with the delightful markings of Das Führer! We already know what it’s like to live the charmed life as a dude who looks like a child molester, now it’s time to spread the joy of never getting laid again by wearing a Hitler mustache. Sleek! Sexy! Vaguely threatening! Michael Jordan did it, why can’t you?
Mythological creature
Out: Zombies, unicorns, vampires
In: The cockupine

Half disease carrying pest, half adorable woodland creature the cockupine has all the personality of a cockroach, coupled with jaunty razor sharp quills of the porcupine. With its sheer reproductive virility and inability to be killed by even the most nuclear of nuclear bombs, the cockupine is the cuddliest threat to humanity as we know it that will surly capture our hearts this 2013.
Crude nonsensical drawing
Out: Crappy stick figure web comics, rage faces
In: Rough sketch of Janet Reno doing her taxes scribbled on a bar napkin

Ugly! Boring! Confusing! Why the fuck is this being posted everywhere?
Person to exploit with bizarre medical condition
In: Lepers

Midgets are out! It turns out they want to be treated like (gasp) people…with real emotions and stuff! Hogwash, I say. But, unfortunately, we’re not allowed to make fun of them anymore. In an effort to find another marginalized group of people that happens to be less organized, we’ve settled on, you guessed it, LEPERS! Watch hilarious videos as lepers limbs and skin fall off mid stride! Hilarious! Gross! Grosslarious! Keep your eyes open! We might just be lucky enough to catch that rare instance when a leper loses both his legs thus BECOMING midget sized. It’s like combining a zombie AND a midget in one! The best of both worlds!
Asshole making a fool of themselves
Out: Dudes getting kicked in the balls, rednecks lighting themselves on fire
In: Woman crying silently in an empty room

What has become of her life? How did she get here? Why didn’t she just decide to go pre-med? But nooo! She just HAD to go to art school. Now she’s stuck writing these crappy articles no one is ever gonna read. WHY GOD WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS????

…cough cough…hilarious, right?


Well, there you have it! The (2nd half of) 2013 Stupid Meme & Internet Cultural Trend Forecast Thing JKLOLOMFUG!!! If you’re not swimming in a pool of your own tears, congratulations! You’ve won the internet!


[1] Remember the first half of the 2000s when everyone thought they were Pirates? Now we’ve all grown up a bit and everyone is convinced zombies are a real and will eventually destroy us all. There is no longer any discernible difference between schizophrenia and someone who’s just really into the Nerdist empire.

[2] Why don’t I laugh at Lolcats anymore? Why!?

[3] I just read a favorable review online from someone who took the LOLcat bible out from the library. THE LIBRARY. Somewhere deep in Dante’s Inferno, the ghost of Bukowski just burst into flames.

[4] Provided that they’ve been dropped on their heads when they were a baby, which it turns out is a lot more people than you might think.

Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).