Desperate Lies We Tell on Job Interviews

Desperate Lies We Tell on Job Interviews

Regardless of your educational background or career choices, the job market sucks right now, especially if you’re a recent (or not so recent) grad. When you live in an era where most newly hired warehouse employees and administrative assistants have high level graduate degrees, it’s easy to see that the economy has fallen in on itself like a house of cards that some drunk guy proceeded to piss all over. Sure you can dry off the cards and rebuild the house but its gonna be all smelly and warped and be even easier to tip over than before….I think? What I’m saying is that I really don’t understand the economy.

Either way, us kids are starting to get restless. As a branch of goodwill, fair Employers, I will lay out all the desperate lies we tell you in order to maybe, finally, be able to pay off our student loans for that degree that was almost certainly a waste of time. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be nice enough to e-mail us a Dear John letter. Come on.  I put on pantyhose for you. Pantyhose! You know how uncomfortable those things are? Jesus!

 

job-interview-funny-264x372I’m a self-starter!
In order to be get to work on time and be aware and present, I promise to develop a debilitating caffeine addiction that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.

 

Why yes, I’ve always had an interest in ________!*
I have no interest in ________ but I promise to pretend to have an interest in _________. Please give me money.

 

I’m willing to learn!
I’m vastly under-qualified for this position but I’m going to fake my way through it. Hopefully, by the time you figure this out it’ll be too much of a pain to hire someone to replace me. Remember when on the job training was a thing? I think it was a fad in the 1970s.

 

No, I don’t mind helping the rich get richer.**
I’m desperate. If needed, I’m also willing to fellate you for health insurance. No strings. Seriously, let’s make this happen.

 

I never let personal matters affect my performance in the workplace.
Every day, at exactly 3pm, I will weep silently to myself in the last stall of the restroom, in the farthest corner of the office, for approximately 15 minutes. I will then return to my desk and act as if nothing has happened.

 
My salary requirements are negotiable.
I want the highest amount you are willing to give me but I don’t want to give you a straight answer. If you like I can refer you to my mother, who will give you an estimate of how much I should make per year in order to get her to stop telling me that I should just marry a lawyer.

 
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I’d love to be working at a company that has real potential for growth. I want to become an integral part of the team and move up to a management position.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? Right now it’s between the circus and a dumpster, unless I win the lottery. If lottery thing happened I’d probably buy a couple of jet skis and just coast for awhile.

 
I have no problem taking a drug test.
I have no problem taking a drug test, provided you give me at least a month, or enough time to find clean urine. Oh, and enjoy all those Vicodin you’ve got for all your ‘back problems.’

 

There you go. Honest. Forthright. Frustrated, but I promise you, willing to work. Let’s call a truce, shall we? You stop looking for dirt on us on Facebook and we’ll stop wondering how your CEOs are funding those three week long coke and hooker binges in Thailand. I mean business trips to Thailand. Yeah. Business trips. That’s what they’re doing.

 

<3

Christa Weiss

Professional Temp-No-One-Really-Likes

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* Replace ________ with whatever it is the company you’re applying for does. It really doesn’t matter. No one cares.

** This is a real question I was asked on an actual job interview. The look on my face when I said this must have seemed like I had just swallowed a live sea urchin. I did not get that job.



Christa Weiss

Christa Weiss is the editor & web mistress at UnSceneComedy.com. Christa performed in the 2014 Boston Comedy Festival and was the February 2014 Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, MA. She participated in the inaugural Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Dot Comedy Festival, the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Cleveland Comedy Festival and is a featured performer on Rooftop Comedy. She produces Broad Appeal Comedy Night, a female-focused comedy show in Boston. She also appears in commercials for the New England Sports Network (NESN).