My Weekend on Demand Part XXXIV: Obligatory Holiday Article

Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? Not only did I not do that but I would not do that with your mother’s ten foot pole. I did some Christmas shopping this weekend and please let me emphasize the word some. Will you please let me emphasize the word some!?! I had planned on getting all of my shopping done today but I guess like the best laid plans of mice and men (not sure where that saying comes from I highly doubt a mouse’s day planner is as detailed as mine) that was not to be. I started off by going to the mall which is basically like a big giant store filled with tiny other stores inside of it, it’s like a giraffe that swallowed an elephant and you’re stuck with an all day pass to the zoo.

 

Going to the mall around Christmas time is crazy, it’s more crowded than the flag store on flag day… that’s a lot of flags. People are just walking around saying things like, “oh hey I gotta buy a present for my stupid son.” or “oh I better pick up a cd for dumb mistress.” If there’s one thing I hate it’s people. I don’t mean specific people, I mean every people. Even my closest friends and most-stalked celebrities I would not want to see at the mall while Christmas shopping. I feel like I turn into a bad person at a really crowded mall. I see a lot of people who are probably all fine normal people but just because they’re ahead of me in line or took the last free sample from Chicken X-Press I hate them and want them to get sat on by an overweight snowman.

I think I’m just feeling a lot of stress about what to get my family for Christmas. We’re all adults now and whenever we want something we just buy it for ourselves so when it comes to the holiday and we’re asking each other what we want we all have the same response, ohhhhh I don’t need anything. Really, just the fact that you want to get me something is fine. Of course if this was true then they wouldn’t be mad when I buy them comic books. That’s pretty much my thing, usually since I don’t know what other people might want I get them things that I’d like. Makes sense right? We’re a family, share the same blood so if I’d want Grant Morrison’s Seven Soldiers of Victory then Mama Varg’s would surely love Grant Morrison’s Seven Soldiers of Victory. No? Alright, another multi-colored fiesta dinnerware set it is then.

There’s always comic books and movies I want though so I usually end up being pretty easy to shop for. I can remember one year though where things didn’t turn out my way. I was rather young, probably 8 or 9 and all I wanted was a real dog. So on my list I very specifically wrote that I wanted a real life dog and then in parenthesis I put a living, breathing dog that is real and not a toy. Sure enough on Christmas day I unwrapped a box with a stuffed toy dog inside. What the fuck? How could I have been anymore specific? What a slap in the face. That’d be like if you really wanted a baby and you finally got your wife and/or some random girl you met at a renaissance fair pregnant then nine months later she gives birth to a tickle-me-elmo. Sure it’s nice but not what you expected.

So in conclusion, when life gives you lemons make lemonade, when life gives you lemonade invent a machine that converts lemonade into lemons.



Tim Vargulish

Tim is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com