NFL Lockout Update: Inside information

“Boo hoo….”. Those were officially the first two words recorded at the latest attempt at negotiations between NFL team owners and players.

It seems as though the owners are still set on creating some kind of salary cap for rookies. The idea being that rookie NFL players should be paid closer to the amount they made in college. So a typical signing bonus now may include a Bentley for said player’s grandmother and a private jet for their sister. Now the players are against this new stipulation for obvious reasons. However, it is reported that during negotiations with his likely new team, Cam Newton has said “My grandmother doesn’t need a Bentley. Get her a rascal and keep my ass outta jail and we’ll call that my signing bonus.”

It’s easy to see why the owners would want to implement a rule limiting the amount of money that can be paid to a rookie. Look at Jamarcus Russel for example, he made 39 million dollars. In his short NFL career that is undoubtedly over now. He threw a total of 18 touchdowns. That’s more than 2 million dollars per touchdown.

The problem seems to be completely with the owners wanting to create new rules for the league everything from regulating contracts to a player’s appearance and personal hygiene. Roger Goodell said yesterday “We’re not moving forward until we get a guarantee that Tom (Brady) is going to cut that gay ass hair of his and stop living the euro-trash lifestyle.” He described this initiative as “the next logical step to the NFL’s personal conduct policy”

The real question remains. Who stands to lose the most in the case of an entire season lost to a lockout. While Antonio Cromartie claims “I could sit the year out and still pay child support for Carisha, uhhhh, Tyler, and… uhhh… You know the rest of them.” While Robert Craft has said “We’ve had some success selling dozens of tickets to New England Revolution games, so that could probably carry us for a while. I think the key to our success in that respect has been the groupon deals we’ve been giving out along with our aggressive Facebook marketing campaign.”

In the end it seems both sides have a lot to lose and it certainly seems like they’re both hell bent on being losers.

 

Jacob Simon



Jacob Simon

Jake is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com