Dear Theodore, I have a problem. A friend of mine has been cheating on his girlfriend and I know about it. She is a good girl and I feel bad. We actually dated for a little while before they got together. Now I don’t want to ruin my friendship, but I also feel bad for her, and at the same time I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to ruin their relationship so that I can get back together with her. What should I do?
Confounded in Connecticut
If you really want to know what to do I, would suggest shutting the fuck up about this whole thing and stop wasting my time. I’ve put off writing this article for two weeks because I felt this question was so whiny. Just stop caring about other peoples problems and start dealing with your own crippling loneliness. ( I’m sorry that last sentence was more for me than it was for you.) But seriously you should find yourself a girlfriend, then you two can mutually settle for one another and fill each others days with a mix of jealous drama and quiet resentment. If you do all of that and still want to break up your friends relationship then I say go for it. You’ve earned it.
And just so there is no confusion lets examine your friends’ relationship. She is a good girl who is dating a douchebag who cheats on her. I would say this girl has less self esteem than a pile of dog shit. She will continue to stick with this douchebag because her self esteem is so low, that the fact that he comes back to her after cheating is actually all it takes to boost. The guy is probably a serial fornicator and would simply play the field if it weren’t for the fact that he is so insecure about his small penis. Because of this, he has to be in a relationship with a meek mousey woman that he mistreats so he can feel like more of a man.
In conclusion go fuck yourself,
From the Desk of,
Chief Justice of Cunnilingus
Dr. T.T. Fuckstick