Liberal Misanthropy

I am on the far left of almost every issue, but on those same issues my reasons are based on disgust with my fellow man, total selfishness, or despite my total misanthropy. “Give me five examples, Dave” you say? You bet.

I believe that there should be free non-polluting public transportation in every city and that there should be high speed rails connecting this country. How is it that when I can literally watch anything that has ever happened on a phone smaller than my wallet we use the same ways of getting around that we did in the 1930s? We’d cut down smog, pollution, noise, and with any luck drive the taxi into extinction. Of course that will mean that I have to sit next to the people I see when I take the bus or subway and those people are gross. I sat next to a guy once who was eating soup between chewing his nails! I don’t want that guy on the hybrid bus next to me! And the people who sit in the middle of a 3 seat section to with their bag and coat on either side of them? Those people should have their heads caved in by the iPhone of the person next to me with the bass so high that I can hear it through my iPhone. Murder/suicide for those people and then use their bones to create the turnstiles as a warning to others.

I believe in complete and total gun control. Nobody should be able to own any gun for any reason ever. If you’re a hunter you can check out hunting rifles before each hunt and return them at the end of the day. If you’re a sportsman there should be shooting ranges where you can go and shoot literally any gun that you want for free, from that shitty zip gun Charles Bronson gives his Latino friend in Deathwish 3 (despite having a literal arsenal in his trunk) to that made up gun Gary Oldman sells in Fifth Element. (Also, nothing where the sole goal is hitting a target is a sport or I’m a bronze medalist at making the toilet when I pee.) Nobody needs to own a handgun. Of course this is really a selfish position because there is no way that I should ever be able to own a gun. I have no impulse control whatsoever. Most of us don’t. That’s why they put candy next to the cash register. (I also drink.) I don’t think that the same people who buy In Touch magazine on a whim should have something which can shoot metal into a person’s face.

I believe in complete and total reproductive freedom. The abortion “debate” is fucking retarded. If you don’t believe a person should have an abortion, don’t fucking have one. (The beauty of that rule is because men can’t have abortions we need to shut up about the whole thing.) That doesn’t mean that I think everyone should be able to have a kid just because they have a penis and/or vagina. I believe that the government should create a new pill which makes all men’s sperm as useless as a born again with a PhD, and that there should be a test you have to take and pass in order to get the antidote. (Spoiler alert: the questions “will you love your child enough to put it first” and “are you over 20” are worth 75% of the grade.)

Tim Tebow’s mother’s joy in not having aborted him does not outweigh 17.3 million unwanted babies. Which leads to complete marriage and adoption equality. It is absurd that a gay guy can marry a woman with zero notice, but can’t marry someone whose genitalia he actually enjoys. Being against gay anything is ridiculous. It’s like being against someone with moles or allergies…they are born that way. Even if they aren’t and it is a choice, people choose to listen to Jeff Dunham and we let them marry. Here’s the solution to the gay marriage issue: end the concept of state-sanctioned marriage. The only license the state can issue should be for a civil union and if you want to use the term “married” you have to go through a religious organization. That way we can let the free market force churches to step into the 19th century.

If, as bigots claim, there’s no difference between a civil union and a marriage then let everyone have a civil union. That being solved let’s drop the notion that somehow having a gay parent is bad so gay people should not be allowed to adopt. Here’s a fact I made up: 40% of everyone you have ever known are gay. Most of them are or will be parents. If they have the ability and willingness to love and support an unwanted child fucking let them. More wanted kids equals fewer angry teens equals less frequent thoughts of “I hope that kid doesn’t try to beat me up.” Lastly, if you are both pro-life and anti-gay adoption then you should bathe in beef blood and throw yourself in a pit of hungry dogs. Speaking of dogs, allowing gay people to adopt will stop them from buying their French bulldog tiny sweaters which is nice.

I believe the right to die should be in the fucking Constitution. How can anyone be against letting someone kill themselves in the least painful and cleanest way possible? I know there are people who think we shouldn’t have the right to die because that’s “God’s domain,” but that’s insane. Unless they don’t use any medicine/medical procedure they don’t pick themselves, they mess with God’s domain all the time. If you are against messing with God’s domain the only medicines you should be allowed are chamomile and dirt. If I get some horrible incurable face cancer I don’t want to have a prolonged “battle.” Cancer is the Muhammad Ali of diseases! Give me a chance to say goodbye to the people I love, get my affairs in order and then inject that Michael Jackson juice into my arm. If I get old and senile why the hell should I be forced to live out my days and spend my and my family’s money staring at a bingo card while some Dominican holds me by the wrist so I can stamp B7? The Right to Die is not the Obligation to Die so lighten up, hypocrites. If someone who is mentally capable decides they want to die let them!

If I get my way there will be free clean transportation filled with loved people who are thrilled to be alive going to visit their gay adopted dad. Isn’t that better than avoiding eye contact with everyone around you as you try to ignore the homeless guy sleeping in the corner? It will also let us stop talking about these issues and get to ones that really matter like why the government won’t let me discharge my student loan in bankruptcy. (Spoiler alert: It’s because the banks run the country.)


By Dave Kennedy

Dave Kennedy

Dave is a contributor for