My Weekend On Demand: Part IV

Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? WHAT?! NO SHUT UP I DID NOT!!! I actually didn’t do much this weekend and do you know why I didn’t do much? That’s because all weekend every one just kept talking about how it was going to rain. Don’t plan a game of hoops it’s gonna rain. And don’t go to the movies, I hear it’s gonna rain.
Don’t water your flowers there be a rain a comin! I’m sick of people literally raining on my parade. (side note parades suck and are the most boring thing ever and I actually get pretty happy when they’re rained out)

I feel like I can’t do anything without being called a lunatic. “Hey guys I was going up to Boston to visit my friends and hang out.” “In the rain! You’re going to drive all that way in the rain?!” Of course, how could I have forgot that no one’s ever driven in the rain. All cars are made out of chocolate and will dissolve in the rain. You idiot! You dumb piece of shit! We’re men, human men that have conquered the rain. We can do anything we want whether or not god is crying. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like rain. I actually hate it and hope it dies. I like my weather like I like my every food I’ve ever eaten, plain. Nothing spicy or exotic like rain or tornadoes.

The worst part about the weather is the fact that it’s the go-to topic of conversation for boring people. I usually don’t like talking to people in general and if we don’t have something in common then I definitely don’t want to talk to you. But to bore me to death by talking about the one thing that every knows what going on with it? Oh you can’t believe how breezy it is this time of year? You don’t say that is fascinating. Wait a minute, I’m going out on a limb here but did you also find it surprising how late in season we got snow. Ohhhh, this could go on for hours and most of the time it does. The worst is when someone who lives twenty minutes away from you asks you how the weather is. Sunshiney you say? That’s odd because here we’ve entered an artic like freezey jamborie. I guess what I’m getting at is let’s take small talk back from the reigns of the tyrannical weather. Let’s only talk about interesting stuff. If you meet a stranger, tell him what you fear the most. Catching up with an estranged relative? Tell them about a recent weird sexual experience. Waiting in line at a bank? Start singing your favorite Korn tune.

So in conclusion, I’ve been secretly training my dogs to fight crime as… THE DOG SQUAD!



Tim Vargulish

Tim is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com