Oct 30

Dick Picks: Week 9. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski.

karskiDICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that gives out cigarettes and condoms to trick or treaters because if a kid starts smoking you know they are going to get SO LAID.

 

It’s a spooooooooooky edition of DICK PICKS this week which is mainly because my bad advice and faulty logic are going to cost you a lot of money and then you’ll end up living with your parents again and nobody will ever have sex with you (unless you smoke and look cool while you’re doing it.)

 

Last week was pretty insane, and a lot of stuff happened. Some of it was good. Some of it was not so good. But all of it was definitely stuff. There was a game at 9:30 in the morning! Who the fuck decided that was a good idea? It was in England so maybe their asshole queen had to drive around waving later that day so everyone could pack the streets and watch her wave and talk about how good she is at waving? I don’t know what the hell they do over there. Farm? Do people still farm? I thought machines did that now.

Seriously, have you seen her wave? She's like, SUPER good at it. (via emirates247.com)

Seriously, have you seen her wave? She is like, SUPER good at it. (via emirates247.com)

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Oct 30

The Random Word Generator Diaries – Rick Canavan

210735_1709741583524_1045427_o*Every week (ish) Rick uses a random word generator to pick a topic, and rambles on about it using related stories, thoughts, and questionable facts he thought he heard somewhere.  Once finished he’ll look up the actual definition and see if he was in the ballpark.

   random word: Frock

I have heard this word when describing hairdos, I think it’s a negative way of describing someone’s hair, like the hair version of the N-word or the gay F-word.  I don’t believe I have ever heard it in a nice way.  
 
“Hey check out the frock over there on the Earl of Quincy!”

 
Quincy of course doesn’t have an Earl, I am exaggerating for effect (see: old comedy tricks.)  Quincy is not an Aristocracy, I live there and it seems more like an Plutocracy which means it is governed by those residents that have the most wealth.  We’re all pretty poor so it keeps things interesting.  Once I got paid $25 for a comedy show and I got to be in charge for a few days (until Dale won on a scratch ticket and now we can’t get out street plowed out.)
 
I wanted a Mr. T haircut when I was a kid (but mom, he’s on TV!) I was told  I couldn’t have one until I was older because I would regret it.  Here’s the thing with that, at 15 I did not want one, but at 15 I still wished 7 year old me had one!  It would have made my teenage life so much easier!  You know who wants to be friends with the 7 year old kid with the “mostly Mohawk?”  EVERY OTHER KID!  I would have had a stronger friend base, but instead I had a boring old bowl cut and no one liked me so I got fat.
 
I tried to get that Mohawk about a year ago, and when my wife picked me up from the barber, her reaction was something like: 
“Nope.  No, no, not gonna happen.  Just no.  You have to tell me things like this you know.  You can’t just go get a Mohawk and expect to have a Mohawk, we are a team now and you can’t look like this.”
 
As a teenager I did want to dye my longish hair purple (it wasn’t obvious enough that I was a dangerous rebel.)  I bought the dye one winters day and snuck off (this was common practice, I was a real shithead kid.)  My mother caught me and said I had to do it outside.  Little did I know it was a trick, she knew that it was too cold for the dye to set (which I still don’t understand) and I wasted my $5 (which in 1996 would have been enough money to make me a ruling Plutocrat, even in the Suburbs) and got pneumonia. 
 
I don’t know what my penchant was for trying to be a sneak when I was a kid, but another time I dyed it black (very dangerous rebel) but I stayed up until 3am so I wouldn’t get caught.  I spent the next day tiredly thinking no one noticed and I was pulling it off.  Later that day I was super-grounded.  I remember doing this sneak tactic once with a self ear-piercing once (I thought it was smart to use a rusty “San Diego Zoo 1970″ button that was in our junk drawer.)  I took the earring out every time I would be about to see my parents.  It took a surprisingly long time before they noticed the swollen, bloody wound on my head.  Again, super-grounded. 
 
For a while, because of the music Video for “I Ran,” I thought the band was called Frock of Seagulls.

Frock

noun

  1. a woman’s or girl’s dress.
  2. a loose outer garment, in particular.

     

Not even close!  Now I feel like a real idiot, even after throwing out Plutocracy multiple times.  At least we all got to waste time reading slightly embarrassing childhood stories about my hair.  Sadly we did not get to read completely embarrassing childhood stories about my sister dressing me up as a girl and making me pretend we were twins.  (making me?…   honestly, I was on board.) 
 
If at this point you are still reading this, thank you for reading this.    
 *Rick Canavan is a stand up comedian, you can see him host a pretty fun show every Friday night at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square.

Oct 29

Clitourist. – by Ethan Diamond

by Ethan Diamond

by Ethan Diamond

Oct 28

What’s So Funny? An Inside Look at New England Stand Up Comedy, PART 3 is online!

Hey Kids!

Part 3 of What’s So Funny, a documentary about stand up comedy in New England, directed by Tony Capobianco is up! In this section we tackle just what keeps us going, and the age old question, why don’t more women do comedy?

 -Christa

 

Interested in seeing more of Tony’s stuff? Check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/TonyCapobiancoComedy

Oct 27

Working Comic. Creepiest Board Game Comedian. -by Shawn Carter.

When I posted my first meme to the internet Friday I didn’t expect it to get viewed 600,000 in a couple of days.  I didn’t expect that it would end up making the front page of reddit and imgur.   And I certainly didn’t expect to obsess over it checking in every couple of hours to see if I got more up-votes.   In fact when I posted the meme all I thought was “Ok, I don’t look terrible in this picture.  This is a short joke that usually gets a laugh.  Let’s see if this gets me anymore traffic to UnScene Comedy or my youtube channel or maybe gets me a couple of new twitter followers.”

I posted the joke at 2 or 3pm I think, on Friday.  At 1am Saturday I got a new friend request and a message that said “You’re going viral on imgur front page”.  I was surprised that the joke did so well.  Why would so many people want to see my picture?  I’m not a cat!  Also, it’s not the best joke.  I mean it’s alright, it’s pretty consistent but does it deserve as much attention as it’s gotten?   Maybe it’s the game “Twister” that made people enjoy it.  Maybe it was the title “The Creepiest Board Game”.  Maybe, just maybe it’s because the brick that is 7th from the right and the 5th one down is so much darker than the other bricks.  Perhaps it’s not any of that, perhaps I’m just prettier than I thought.  I don’t know.   All I know is that I am now terrified to post any more of these because there’s no way that the next one can do as well as this one and I’m gonna be really disappointed sitting there waiting for it to hit 2,000 views.  Like, “What’s wrong?  Did the internet break?  How could this be?”

Seriously though.  I’ll post the image below.  Then I’ll talk about the rest of my week like I normally do and then I’ll finish up this blog post by talking a little more about some of the weird thoughts that went through my head while the view count on this image kept climbing.

via UnScene Comedy

via UnScene Comedy

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Oct 24

Weirdly Specific Horoscope. Oct. 24. – by Phoebe Angle and Shawn Carter.

  aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19): Today a bird will poop on your head.  They say that’s good luck but you don’t believe in luck, you don’t even believe in horoscopes.  Why are you reading this?

 

via app.getresponse.com

via app.getresponse.com

 

 

taurus48  Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Your great aunt died – sad :(  but she left you $300 – happy :)  but you spent it all on cocaine, so now you are addicted to cocaine, sad again :(

 

via democraticunderground.com

via democraticunderground.com

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Oct 23

Dick Picks: Week 8. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski.

karski

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will represent you in your personal injury lawsuit.

 

YEEEEEEEEEESSHHH I fucked up reeeeeeeaaaallll bad last week. Here I am assuming I’m going to coast to a winning record and someone yanks my rug out faster than I don’t know, that thing that Asian ladies do with the wax to your pubes? Is that just called waxing? That doesn’t seem right. I feel like it’s close enough to a medical procedure that it needs a more sophisticated name. What should that name be? I don’t know, what the fuck do I look like? Jesus, what is it with you people?

 

Right, football. Uhhhh… I’m not even sure I know what to talk about this week. Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre’s record, which is fine because Andrew Luck is going to shatter it in ten years when receivers are allowed to use butterfly nets and defenders have to spin around in a circle ten times fast before every snap. You know my theory on why there is still talk about who the greatest quarterback of all time is, despite Manning’s numbers making an obviously convincing case? Because he’s a fucking prick. And don’t let the commercials fool you, Manning is most certainly a prick. His body language with his teammates, his coaches, the refs… add that to the times he’s thrown other guys under the bus for his mistakes, and the fact that everyone who has ever played with him always refers to him as a “great quarterback” and never a “great guy” and it becomes pretty clear that everyone hates him.

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Oct 23

The Random Word Generator Diaries – Rick Canavan

I'm Back!*Every week (Not including my 3 year absence) Rick uses a random word generator to pick a topic, and rambles on about it using related stories, thoughts, and questionable facts he thought he heard somewhere.  Once finished he’ll look up the actual definition and see if he was in the ballpark.

   random word: Bittersweet
 

    This is a compound word, easily dissected.  Bitter means ‘ugh’ and sweet means ‘w00t.’   I believe that bittersweet simply means its something nice, but maybe not that nice.  Happy with just a taste of sad, or vice versa. 

 

It’s a word that was made up because life used to be simply good or bad, but then there started to be shades of gray within that (upwards of 50 I have heard.)  Someone decided that sometimes things aren’t just good, sometimes they are bad and good at the same time.  I’m sure there was a lot of New Coke-ish branding that went into it; Try New and improved,  Bittersweet!  The same joy that you love, but with a fresh zing of crappy.

  • Coffee is a pretty bittersweet thing (I take mine with cream and sugar to soften the bitter.)  I am dancing around the idea of switching to tea because I hear it makes you die with less urgency, but I love coffee so much!  No matter which I end up choosing, it will be bittersweet because tea is awful, but if I live longer that’s probably for the best, though it will mean more days lamenting my lost love of coffee.  If I stay with coffee I will be happier, aside from the knowledge of my impending doom.
Words to live by. (via zazzle.com)

Words to live by. (via zazzle.com)

  •  I hate a lot of stuff (mostly a-hole comedians) but I like that I hate that stuff (especially when they move to LA and I don’t have do deal with them any more.)

  • Is anyone else a fan of REM, but only post – “Automatic for the People?”

1bit·ter·sweet

1:  something that is bittersweet; especially :  pleasure alloyed with pain
2a :  a poisonous Eurasian woody vine (Solanum dulcamara) of the nightshade family that has purple flowers and oval reddish berries and is naturalized in North America
b :  a North American poisonous woody vine (Celastrus scandens) of the staff-tree family having clusters of small greenish flowers succeeded by yellow capsules that open when ripe and disclose the scarlet aril.

This is some Anthony Kiedis stuff (music is his aeroplane.)  And hey, while we are talking about nightshade I’m gonna go jump on Facebook and make sure those a-holes are still in LA before the sun comes up.  If you are still reading this, thank you for reading this.

 
*Rick Canavan is a stand up comedian, you can see him host a pretty fun show every Friday night at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square.

Oct 22

The Oscar Outlook by RA Bartlett

10623499_10203937730458965_1479554809529396772_o

The Oscar Outlook

by RA Bartlett

 

 

 

 

It’s now the fourth quarter of the year, which means that pundits are talking about the Oscar race. More and more, there are people saying “Oscars? Pff? Why should I care about a bunch of rich snobs congratulating themselves?”, I guess as opposed to things like the Superbowl, which is completely absent of things like greed and ego. In short, the Oscar race is a game in and of itself. There are quite a few rules, although, much like with the normal audiences, awarding movies can be a game of “It is except when it’s not”.

 

Now, what does one need to make it as an Oscar contender?
There are several things to keep in mind.

 

Politics

I think the biggest one is much like the politics of well, politics politics. Project the image that only a select few have a chance. Much like citizens voters have this fear that voting outside the two party system is a wasted vote, Oscar campaigning is about saying “Hey, you might not really think Brad Pitt gave one of the performances of the year, but do you really think that bald character actor from the Croation dark comedy has a chance?”

 

The fact of the matter is, voters are working professionals, and don’t have time to see every film available, (and to be honest, they might even hand the ballot to family, or even staff members) so at the end of the day, they rely on a few external factors to make their choices.
Critical response is a good opening salvo. It’s not always the case (Look at Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or better yet, don’t, for your own good.)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly...whatever that movie sucked. (via myportiswaspsays.com/2012/01/extremely-loud-incredibly-close-elena.html)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly…whatever that movie sucked.
(via myportiswaspsays.com)

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Oct 21

Have YOU found Him? – by Ethan Diamond.

by Ethan Diamond

by Ethan Diamond

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

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