Apr 14

This One Weird Thing: Naked Figure Drawing – by Christa Weiss

reddress_unsceneThis One Weird Thing: Naked Figure Drawing

I know a lot of weird things. This column explains why.

by Christa Weiss

 

 

 

Naked Figure Drawing! Woooooo!

 

…Actually, the technical term is nude figure drawing. And do not “wooo”. Do not “woo” at all.

My college was weird. Like, super weird. It was an art school mashed in with a tech school that shared a campus with NTID, the National Technical Institute for the deaf. Basically, it was a campus filled with people who were completely incapable of communicating with each other, be it for physical reasons or social ones. For now, know this: What I am about to tell you is totally normal. For an art school, at least.

 

Freshman Figure drawing. I was excited for it. I love to draw and I was stoked that I was finally in a place that had real live models, that would actually sit still for more than a couple of minutes. It’s pretty difficult to find someone to just stare into oblivion for a long period of time, just because you asked them to. And yeah, I guess those people were supposed to be naked. I was a little weirded out by the idea, but I mean, models are supposed to be attractive, right? It couldn’t be too bad.

 

The perception, by the general public and shitty American eagle t-shirts, is that nude figure drawing is:

 

SNL's nude art class model sketch is the most accurate depiction of this I've seen to date.

SNL’s nude art class model sketch is the most accurate depiction of this I’ve seen to date.

A) SEXXXXY!!!

B) OMG those super hot models are totally gonna have sex with me!!!

C) I want to be a nude model and then chicks will look at my junk and have sex with me!!!

 

Guh. Buh. Arrrgh. No. Wrong.

 

 

I hate to say it, but oh man, those models were….not pretty. Think less Cindy Crawford and more Kathy Bates. Think less Ryan Gosling and more Zach Galafanackis…but older, and with presumably much saggier balls.

 

I understand body acceptance, I do. I’m jealous of people who are totally cool with themselves, just the way that they are. I wish I could be like that, but there’s a difference between being comfortable with your naked body and inflicting your naked body upon other people.

 

The population of figure models was mostly the latter. Lumpy, hippiesh, artsy types. They were usually pretty hairy. The dudes and the ladies.  A good number of them had terrible tattoos, usually of a wolf, or a moon or a wolf howling at the moon or one of those man or woman gender symbol things. Call me crazy but if there is symbol of a woman, on a woman, it seems redundant to me. That’s like tattooing the word ARM on your arm. I think they were trying to make some kind of point with those tatoos, but they just ending up looking forgetful.

 

My most memorable experience drawing a model was with a seemly delightful old man. He looked like he could have been someone’s grandfather. Old man nudity is not nudity I’m excited about seeing, but he appeared to normal otherwise, so at least I wasn’t afraid that I was going to get lice. Then he took of his robe. Old man, old dick, pierced balls.

 

Now, I know a thing or two about piercing. And I know a thing or two about dicks.

And what I know for certain, is that if you’re into that sort of thing, you can get a lot of sexual pleasure from piercing the head of the penis. Ergo, said ball piercing, was purely ornamental. I’ve seen stranger things, but not many.

 

To the models’ credit, figure modeling wasn’t nearly as easy as everyone thinks it is. You don’t get to sit in a chair for 5 minutes and just hang out. Usually, they had to drape themselves in awkward positions, or have their arms raised a certain way or stand up. Sometimes we’d do quick 5 minute poses but usually, sessions would go 15, 30 or 45 minutes. Have you ever tried to raise your arm above your head for more than 2 minutes? It’s pretty impossible if you’re a wuss like me. And if you’re reading this, you probably are.

 

If the posing itself wasn’t difficult enough, this class took place during the winter in Upstate New York. Like UP, upstate, where it blizzards and you don’t go to work for a week. The unfun, cold, boring part of Upstate New York. Those models were there, naked, in a drafty uncarpeted classroom. They usually had a couple of heat lamps pointed at them, so it gave them a similar glow to that of a rotisserie chicken. Say what you will about those models, but they certainly earned their money.

 

One would think that being exposed to this kind of awkward nudity would be jarring, and it was, at first. Quickly though, you just sort of forgot about it. Imagine a medical school student dissecting a cadaver. Terrifying initially, but soon you develop a sort of clinical detachment.

I didn’t really see the dicks anymore. I saw the lines around the dicks.

It really wasn’t so bad.

 

This detachment later prepared me for one of my first jobs, where I had to crop out the pubic hair of before and after breast cancer surgery photos. I was cool with seeing pubes and titties. What was a lot harder to deal with was seeing the pictures of lumpy scars where titties used to be. You had to stay detached…but, oh man, just thinking about it makes me want to go get a mammogram…like right now.

 

Anyway, there you have it. Nude figure drawing: Not sexy at all. No hot models, no sex with classmates and it’s a hard, shitty job. I did actually learn a few things. Drawing live figures really did make my technical drawing skills much better. At the end of the day dicks and pussies are just dicks and pussies. It was largely a positive experience.

And if there’s one thing I’ll always remember, it’s that shining beacon of light, reflected off the stainless steel barbell, that was pieced through an old man’s ball skin.

-FIN-

 

 

Note to any employers that may run across this article:

Yes, this article may be a bit racy, but know this: Figure drawing is a required class to graduate with a BFA in graphic design. As one cannot aquire a design job without a degree, YOU fair employers, are the ones that caused me to stare, for long periods of time at an old man’s balls…So please don’t fire me.

Apr 11

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

karski

HOW TO! #9: How to be more confident in your appearance!

by Rich Karski

 

Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that makes an honest effort at molding its filthy garbage readership into human-mimicking trash-golems that can slowly assimilate into society undetected.

 

This week we’re back to turning the microscope onto you, the reader, and figuring out where you fuck up daily and trying to unfuck that terrible part of you that everybody talks about when you’re not around. I went back to the google, and tried to find what the general public hated most about themselves, and to nobody’s surprise it was their appearance. Well, the problem here is that most of us are ugly as hell and very unpleasant to look at. This is just a fact of life, because our ugly parents fucked and made ugly babies and now we’re stuck walking around looking for ugly people to fuck us to make more ugly babies who will then whine on the internet about being ugly. Although by that time the internet will probably be in their brains or controlled by the government or weaponized by spiders. Anyway, I already taught you how to find another ugly person to make these shitty spider-slave future-babies with, but today’s lesson is for you. So you don’t like the way you look, and that’s because you probably look like one of the puppets from The Dark Crystal had a baby with a fart. And that’s okay, because you’re always going to be hideous. What we’re here for today is to get you to accept that and own your disgusting visage with the help of misdirection and sleight of hand. So grab your fat person airline seatbelt extension and buckle up because today I’m going to teach you

 

***HOW TO BE MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR APPEARANCE***

 

Step One: Distracting From Your Awful Face

pizzafaceA lot of your low self-esteem probably comes from the terrible nicknames you’ve gotten based on your horrible facial features. Nicknames like “Unibrow” and “Pizza Face” and “Hog Nose” and “Lazy-Eyed Mike” can be very hurtful no matter how accurate they may be. What you want to do is create a less offensive defining feature that overshadows these other, shittier ones, so that when people need to describe you, their go-to is something YOU control. There are a lot of easy ways to achieve this.

Personally, I grow my hair long so that when people describe me, it’s easier to say “the kid with the long hair” than “the kid with the dumb scars and weird moles and fucked up nose and gross pre-pubescent mustache.” Now you may not have the ability to grow your hair into a luxurious mane envied by gods and men alike, and that’s fine. Maybe you’re going bald. Well if you’re going bald, you can still grow out the hair you have left. Consider a long braid or even a rat-tail. “Rich but aren’t those kind of lame?” Yeah, if you’re not doing it IRONICALLY you fucking dolt. That way you’re controlling the discourse about your hair. “Haha yeah doesn’t it look ridiculous?! Far more ridiculous than my dead tooth I MEAN… I SAID NOTHING!” Whatever you do, just don’t throw on a goddamned fedora and assume that suddenly makes you interesting. Fedoras have already been ruined by men’s rights activists, ska bands, and lesbians in musicals. Trust me, it’s much better to be thought of as “Jerry with the harelip” than “Jerry with the fedora.”

 

Step Two: Fitting Your Clothes

This is where we run counter to the thinking in step one. You’re going to want your clothes to accent your body type in a way that says “I am aware of how I look, and I need you to be EVEN MORE AWARE of this.” If you’re heavyset, this means tight-fitting clothes and a liberal amount of flesh protruding from underneath them. Belly shirts, skinny jeans, and any shorts that would get you kicked out of the post office will do. Why should you feel uncomfortable with the way you look when you can make the people around you even more uncomfortable? You need to sexualize your obesity to turn it from a source of shame to a source of power. Let it seep out all over creation under shirts and shorts that are merely single XL, making you look like someone tried to pass two pizza’s worth of dough through a toilet paper roll. Maybe ice your nipples up before you leave the house too. No matter what people on the street will look at you and think “wow, gross” so your best way of combating this and winning the battle is to make them never want to look again.

If you’re a very skinny person, you want to go the complete opposite route. Start out by wearing clothes that are far too large for you. Then, purchase the exact same clothes in incrementally larger sizes, and wear a larger size every week so that everyone thinks you are getting even smaller. This will cause people to worry about you, because they will think you are disappearing and then maybe you can milk their concern for a free meal or two. If conning people into giving you free stuff doesn’t make you feel better about being sickly thin, then I don’t think I can help you.

 

Step Three: Accessorizing

This is probably the most important step towards making yourself feel more confident, because it involves the least actual effort. Picking out accessories to increase ones confidence goes back to the days of the Pharaohs when the weak idiot Pharaohs who couldn’t even grow beards because they were losers or women would make beards out of gold and paint snakes on them and say to the people “if I’m so weak then why do I have this golden snake beard? The fuck outta here…” Nowadays a beard just isn’t going to cut it because to be honest beards are pretty lame and gross and I’m not saying that just because I can’t grow a beard.

You need your accessories to exude confidence and speak for themselves. Try wearing a bandolier. A bandolier says “I have a LOT of bullets, and maybe one of them is for you.” Another good option is to wear a gauntlet with a bird of prey like a falcon or a hawk perched on it. This says “I am a master of beasts and I don’t even care that this bird has shit on my arm a whole bunch.” If you couple the bird of prey with an eye-patch, that says “Look this bird doesn’t even like me that much, and I’m the one who feeds it. Imagine what it would do to you, pal.” Maybe these things aren’t necessarily your style, but try to be creative, and try to be intimidating. Maybe you want to wear chains like a spooky ghost, or carry a samurai sword like someone who gets divorced a lot. Pick what works for you, but just try your best to make it terrifying so you can feed off the fear of those around you.

 

Step Four: Commanding Respect

If you’ve followed the first three steps, this one should not be hard. By now you should look like some kind of badass WWE wrestler who is not to be trifled with, which should gain you the respect of man and beast alike. However, in order to fully gain this respect you need to act like you deserve it. It’s not enough to look the part; you have to ACT the part as well. Sure, maybe you’re walking around with a hawk on one arm and a shotgun slung over your shoulder, but if you’re not acting like an entitled dick to everyone that you meet how are they going to know you mean business? You should be constantly sneering. Act disinterested and turn away from people in the middle of a sentence. Knock stuff over on purpose and don’t pick it up. If you’re wondering if any particular behavior is too dickish or not dickish enough, just ask yourself “Is this something a cat would do?” because cats are the biggest assholes and people fucking love them regardless. Act like a large mean cat, and you will be treated like a king.

 

There you have it, four easy steps on how to be more confident in your appearance. Now throw on your halter top and go threaten some guys with a sword.

Apr 10

The Unsolicited Advice Column: Part 2 – by Ted Pettingell

t_pettingell_unscene

The Unsolicited Advice Column

- by Ted Pettingell

A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.

 

 

 

The numbers don’t lie people. I know I said in an earlier article that this advice column was the most read thing on UnScene Comedy, but that was just me assuming no one actually reads anything on this website. I was informed by my editor, some woman, (Editor’s Note: Some Woman (SW) is responsible for putting 90% of the punctuation in this article, including all of the question marks…in an advice column…where people ask questions…Seriously, Theodore? I can’t believe I have to keep doing this.) that as it turns out my work is in fact the most viewed, so how about that.

Anyway, that brings me to my next point. Despite all the hits, my work is still the least retweeted, least liked, and least shared thing on UnScene. Goddamnit my computer really wants it to say unseen. So, somehow at the same time I am both the most popular and least popular writer on this site. What’s up with that people? Are you afraid to admit you love me? I know that feeling, if I could give myself some advice it would be admit you love yourself. But thats not how this works and I must continue to bare this cross of only giving advice and never receiving it. Well, if you want to be a bunch of hipsters about this then fine. Don’t tell anyone because its only a matter of time before I’m a pop culture phenomenon. Then you can stop hating me for being better than you and start hating me for being a sell out.

This is the second round of advice for the week because I missed last week. Why did you miss last week Ted? Were you lost in a fog of existential depression? Yes, I was, but no, that isn’t why I missed last week. My computer was broken, it still is broken but now I have a new shinier computer. Here’s the deal people. If you don’t want to be part of my ever expanding popularity that is fine, but if you like my advice column then just give me a dollar. If everyone who likes these does that then I will be able to afford a new computer every week. And I’m going to need them because I won’t just be writing like the F. Scott Fitzgerald of advice, I’ll be drinking like him too. And when you are that drunk all the time you are going to piss on some laptops. How can you not? You put them in your lap and they just feel so warm. Then nature just takes its course. Speaking of nature taking its course on to the advice.

 

First up today is @SheenaB_ she asks #Question : Do you think people date as a leisure activity or with an actual purpose?

Always with the relationship questions… Doesn’t anyone on the internet care about something other than getting their dicks wet/being a dick wetting station. Okay lets give this a shot. Can’t the answer be both? Maybe you have a purpose and its just a good old fashion leisurely boning. I would really hope there is a purpose. Why else would you be on a date, because you enjoy the company of other people? That just sounds gross. Also why did you call it a leisure activity? That makes it sound like a rich white man activity and according to your twitter picture, you are not that at all. Things typically described as leisure activities are golf, yachting, and denying civil rights to people who look like your profile picture. I hope that answered your question.

 

Our second question is from ‏@answerbag Should churches be taxed? Why/why not?

Holy fuck, I wish you hadn’t thought of that name first. Answer Bag, that would be a way better name for these things. Its also what I’m going to start calling know-it-alls behind their backs. Right now, I would say yes they should be taxed. With America’s growing deficit we should expect everyone to do their patriotic duty and chip in and pay taxes. I will feel this way until the United States Government gives myself and the Church of Ted tax exempt status. I know I haven’t filled out any of the actual forms to get a tax exemption but I’ve already got the messianic robe and shouldn’t that be enough? Anyway, that’s not going to stop me from claiming religious expiation this year. Because if I’m guilty of anything its loving to much… and tax evasion.

One more for the road, @PlayStationIE What is the best multiplayer experience you’ve ever had?

That isn’t exactly a question asking for advice but lets see what I can do. It was in my younger wilder years, I had been invited to a party by a friend and arrived under the assumption that it was to be attended by many other friends of mine. I was mistaken. When I arrived I knew almost no one there. For most people that would be a set back but myself be a master of social grace had not problem integrating myself into this new social setting. These people were not like my regular crew of companions. They were more refined, more cultured. After an evening of conversation and keg PBR, I left with an experience and a few new acquaintances. The next week one of these new acquaintances invited me to another party and this one was even more of a ruckus then the last. The early part of evening was spent imbibing plum wine. Eventually, a small group of us retired to an upstairs bedroom because the boorish nature of the many of the party goers had driven us away. As the week before, there was much conversation of art and life but eventually things took a turn for the sensual. Talk led to light petting and fingers through the hair, which led to a kiss. A simple kiss, and from that kiss, there was a spark in that room. And where there had been 5 or 7, (who was counting?) individuals, there was just now one being, one soul. And that one soul had the gayest, leatheriest, bondage orgy your mind can imagine. I hope that answers your question.

 

Well that was a journey. Tune in next week. I say tune in because I assume I will have a tv show at that point.

Forever Yours,
Ted Pettingell

Apr 08

Nixon’s Neurotic Musings: Interview Questions No One has Asked Me

2013110385264078
Nixon’s Neurotic Musings:
Interview Questions No One Has Asked Me.

by James Nixon

 

 
 

Has Kanye Changed Your Process?

Professional KanyeMost definitely, I am the greatest! So that’s where I start. I’m better than you and you need me.  I live off your attention and validation but I’m the greatest.  I got that TJ Maxxx swag bitches!  Ya, I added an X to the Tj Maxx name cuz when I try on some discount Ralph Lauren’s I expect 3 moms to eye fuck me and one to help me change out of ’em.  Boom. Gonna need a dressing for that pussay-ay after I reck that mutha in the changing room!  Shush baby, they just jealous, now shut up while I press yo tittays into the wooden slats in the door. Ima get those slats to tweak dem nips while I smash dem hips. Am the muthafuckin gift to all ya’ll!

But no, I wouldn’t say Kanye has really done anything to change my process.

 

 

Like what you see? Get all the James Nixon you can handle at www.nixoncomedy.com!

Apr 07

The Unsolicited Advice Column: Part 1 – by Ted Pettingell

t_pettingell_unscene

The Unsolicited Advice Column

- by Ted Pettingell

A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted. 

 

 

Hello friends and followers. Who am I kidding you are are all mostly followers. I would apologize for missing a week but a brain injury I received as a child prevents me from feeling remorse.  So this week you luck out and get two advice columns, thats twice the Ted you normally get and hopefully this will keep you from enduring another Rich Car Keys article. That’s right I’m calling out old Car Keys again because it’s been brought to my attention by my editor, some woman, (Editors Note: I hate you.) that in Car Keys latest piece journalistic tripe he besmirched me. Not only that but he didn’t have the decency to use my real name and instead used a vague pseudonym, like the cowards he is. Well, Ted haven’t you been referring to him as Rich Car Keys? Yes, I have but that is only because I’ve given up on stopping my computer from autocorrecting his name. Now I don’t want to get into a weekly internet pissing contest where each week we spend half our articles taking shots at one another. So I’m going to be the bigger man and declare myself the winner right now. On to the advice.

 

Today’s first question comes from @HunainNaseer he asks:

I have a #Question. What makes you want to stop and read an article as you scroll down a page?

Well sir I can tell you one thing that will make me not want to read an article, a by line with Rich Car Keys name in it. That’s the golden rule. If you need more advice on picking out what you stare at instead of being the cubicle slave you are here are some more guidelines.

-Does the article promise advice on how to score chicks? If yes keep reading.
-Is this article a recipe for BBQ sauce? If it is, you are doing fine.
-How Nude are the celebrity photos it claims to contain? Very nude, then you are in it to win it.
-Was it written by a woman, thats a read (red) flag (I made a Pun)? Hopefully, its just a detailed account of her darkest sexual fantasies and not anything about being treated as an equal or what dresses she wore that week. (Editors Note: Look, I only did that 127 Dresses Blog for a month. I’d love to get started on that Darkest Sexual Fantasies Blog, just don’t be surprised when none of them actually include you.)

Well, I hope that helped. On a side note in your twitter picture you look like a fat version of my friend Ahmed. So you got that going for you.

 

Our second question comes from @emilywynne4. She writes:

If I put some sort of video on my YouTube channel, like a vlog or something ,would you guys watch it ?!? #question

Short Answer is No. Long answer is I would rather read anything written By Rich Car Keys, even if it was written while he was drunk on Dollar Store gin and cowardice. Did I mention he’s a coward and an alcoholic? Now I don’t want to knock any cocktail made with Dollar Store gin and cowardice. That is a mighty fine drink but I would like to point out Mr. Car Keys enjoys them to excess. He drinks so many of these things he has made flop sweat a recession proof industry. Here is my favorite version of the drink.

-1 Part dollar store gin. I prefer Debtors Prison Choice.
-1Part cowardice. If you can’t find flop sweat you can always use urine rung out of jeans.
-1 Part Fresh Lime Juice
-1 Part agave nectar.
Shake well and serve over rocks in a glass with a salted rim and you’ve made yourself a classic marga-retreat.  Another Pun!

 

Last Question! @RichKarski asks:

Hey @IamDonCheadle big fan quick question. What’s your favorite dog? Mine is my dog but I think other dogs are great too.

Is this what you spend your time doing? Harassing national treasure and acting great Terrance Howard?  This guy was in Iron man, Hustle and Flow, probably something that taught us how racism is suppose to be bad. You need to grow up man. Now, I know I said I wasn’t going to spend half my article taking shots at you, so instead I spent the entire article doing that. Because as Omar Little once said, “You come at the king, you best not miss…”  I hope you learned your lesson.

Well, thats was Part One of this weeks Two Parter. Come back and read another one tomorrow… or the next day… or when ever my editor, some woman, (Editors Note: Some extremely talented, smart and funny woman who doesn’t even care that you have a third nipple,) gets around to posting it.

 

Your Friend and Mentor,
Ted Pettingell

Apr 04

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

karski

HOW TO! #8: How to dispose of a body!

by Rich Karski

Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly internet column that improves your life without ever feeding into the illusion that dinosaurs were real.

 

 

Typically in this space I try to teach my readers how to do things that will not only better their lives, but society as well. This is not one of those times. Sometimes, you need to be looking out for number one, and you may find yourself in a jam that requires you to operate outside of certain boundaries created by man-made constructs such as “decency” and “morality.” We will be operating on a separate plane, one where self-preservation rules and all other motives are secondary. “Wait, plane like airplane?” No, not like airplane. “So don’t you mean ‘plain’ then? Like the Great Plains?” No it’s still plane, but it’s like a math plane. “I think you’re using the wrong word.” Just shut up for a minute.

Anyway, what if one day you wake up and your world has come crashing down around you? You’re disoriented. You’ve blacked out due to intoxicants or insanity or rage or a mix of all three. As you try to piece together what happened the night before, you notice that you’re not alone. There is someone else in the room with you, and they’re not moving. Your first instinct is to call the police, let them do their jobs, and hope and pray that you didn’t do what you think you did. Well cut that shit out and take a deep breath. John Law isn’t going to need to go sniffing around in your damn business, because today I’m going to teach you:

HOW TO DISPOSE OF A BODY*

*Let me be clear. UnScene Comedy is NOT condoning murder or in any way trying to help you get away with murder. Sometimes, COMPLETEY INNOCENT people wake up next to dead bodies and need to find a way out of the situation. This is for those people.

STEP ONE: Figuring Out How Long Since It Turned From A Person Into A Corpse

hotdogThis is important for a lot of reasons. A fresh corpse is both a good and a bad thing. Why is it bad? Because it means you probably committed a murder or at the very least this person is dead because of something that you did. But that’s neither here nor there, the important part is you’ve got a dead body, and what the heck are you supposed to do with it? Well, one of the benefits of having a fresh dead body is mining the organs for cash. You’ve got to accept that you’re an outlaw now, and you’re going to need some money to get yourself a new name and place and probably some ice cream because things just got rough and you can use this as an excuse to have a cheat day. Luckily organs are worth a ton of money. Who is going to buy human organs? Adventurous eaters probably but more importantly other outlaws like yourself! This will be a fun team building exercise with your new underground brethren.

Introduce yourself to the crowd! But make up a new name because your old name has corpse all over it and it was probably a shitty name anyway because your parents never really loved you which is kind of what led you down this path where you end up waking up next to dead bodies. Right. On the flip side, if the corpse is super old, then don’t even worry about it! If it’s old enough then it’s probably already a skeleton and you don’t even have to get rid of it. You can just dress it up as a pirate and have a spooky new friend! Now, if the body is very recent or recent enough to still have a majority of its meat, we will need to move on to step two.

STEP TWO: Making The Body Transportable

Okay, it’s not enough to just leave the room and let somebody else find the body. Somebody knows you were in that room, and if the body isn’t you they are going to assume you put it there whether that is true or not. So how do you get the body out of there? First of all, DO NOT roll it up in a rug. Every time anybody sees a rolled up rug they think “Hey I bet there’s a body in there” because that’s what movies and TV have led them to believe because that is generally true. Secondly, DO NOT put sunglasses on the body and pretend it is still alive and having a really great time because then people will see your cool new friend and want to hang out with them because they would also like to wear sunglasses and have a really great time.

What you want to do is cut the corpse into pieces. Now, don’t think of it as dismembering a body. Think of it as turning one large body into many smaller bodies that are easier to fit into trash bags. If you can’t bring yourself to cut up a human body, there is also the option of bringing in a lot of hungry animals to eat it. The downside to this plan is that it will look very suspicious to anyone who sees you coming and going with a lot of animals and maybe they’ll think you’re starting a zoo and then they’ll want to see the zoo and even if you tell them it’s not finished they’ll be really excited for it to open and then probably call the cops when it never does. I guess you could always eat the body yourself, but if that’s a road you’re willing to go down then you really don’t need me to tell you how to do this sort of thing. You’ve already got it all figured out. If cannibalism isn’t your thing just yet, you’re going to want to stick to dismemberment, and a saw is the best way to do this because it’s faster and just holding any type of power tool makes you feel like you’re really getting something done. Once the body is dismembered it’s on to step three.

STEP THREE: Transporting The Body

I have told you this several times before, but it bears repeating: DO NOT TAKE THE BUS! It makes you look poor and gross and if you have a trash bag full of human body parts the other gross poor people might try to steal some thinking it’s low-grade pork. If you’re using trash bags to transport the body maybe just find a nearby dumpster and throw it in there because usually people only find bodies in dumpsters when they’re whole and it’s very rare that a dismembered body thrown in a dumpster is discovered not that I would know something like that I am just making assumptions what are you a cop?

If you’re transporting the body in suitcases, which is also common, DO NOT THROW THESE IN THE TRASH. If somebody sees a suitcase in the trash they open it to make sure there isn’t a body or a bunch of dildos in there. Usually there is. Don’t fall into this trap. If you’re moving the body in suitcases just go to the airport. Everybody has suitcases at the airport and nobody cares what’s in them. Hop on a plane, maybe take the body to a new city, and then leave the suitcases in the lobby of some hotel. Then see some sights! You’re a fugitive now, and you might as well enjoy it.

STEP FOUR: Dumping The Body

Now I already gave you some options in the sections above, but if you don’t feel comfortable dropping the corpse in a dumpster or leaving it at a Ramada, finding a suitable dumping spot is going to be your next priority. Most people choose the woods, and that’s all well and good but the woods are EXACTLY the type of place that people go to look for dead bodies. I would suggest hiding the body in plain sight. Find a house near yours that has fallen into disrepair and already has a bunch of other trash and junk in the yard. Nobody is going to notice a few extra trash bags or suitcases, right? If you don’t have any such homes in your area might I suggest leaving the body near a funeral home? They might think it just fell out of the truck or something and get real embarrassed and not tell anybody about it. Just remember, if you’re feeling really desperate it’s still not too late to just eat it.

STEP FIVE: Not Telling Anybody You Just Got Rid Of A Body

This seems obvious, but you would be surprised at how often bodies are found because someone just HAD TO FUCKING BLAB ABOUT IT! Keep your damn mouth shut. If a few days go by and nobody finds the body, don’t get cute like you’re home free and have a few drinks and start running your mouth. Chances are one of the people you’re talking to is going to be related to a cop or a corpse sniffing dog and they’re going to be like “Hey you should check out this dirty yard I think there’s a body there” and then all your work is for naught! Once you dump the body, just pretend that nothing ever happened and move on with your life never to speak of it again. Unless you ended up eating it, in which case your hunger for human flesh can never be satiated and you’re on your own pal because this isn’t a goddamned recipe column.

 

So there you have it!

Five easy steps on disposing of a body in the event that you should find one in your vicinity and need to ditch it fast. Now go out and make some questionable decisions but DON’T MURDER ANYBODY because I will find out and I will be real disappointed in you.

 

Apr 03

Faux News – Samson the trained ape responds to Rumsfeld’s “trained ape” comment.

Trained ape fires back at Rumsfeld – “At least, I wouldn’t have invaded Iraq”. Challenges Rumsfeld to a game of tic-tac-toe.

"Hey, Rumsfeld! I got your weapons of mass destruction right here!"

“Hey, Rumsfeld! I got your weapons of mass destruction right here!”

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stirred up controversy last week when he criticized the Obama administration’s handling of  Afghanistan by saying that “A trained ape could get a status of forces agreement” in Afghanistan. Many people in social media blasted the comment as a reference to a derogatory term used against African Americans. However, a spokesperson for Rumsfeld pointed out that “trained ape” is a phrase that Rumsfeld uses a lot regardless of who it is directed at. He used the same phrase when criticizing Hillary Clinton’s handling of Afghanistan and he famously used it when justifying the invasion of Iraq – “There’s no debate in the world as to whether they have those weapons. We all know that. A trained ape knows that”

It seems clear that the comment wasn’t intended to be racist, however it was offensive to apes, especially to trained apes, which prompted a response from Samson the trained ape. “Yeah, I may only be a trained ape but at least I didn’t invade Iraq. I may not have high intelligence, but you know what else I don’t have Don? Hubris. Not to mention arrogance and egomania. Maybe you should use a different phrase like ‘even a broken clock is right more often than Donald Rumsfeld’. I mean, you’re not even using the phrase ‘trained ape’ correctly. In my cage, whenever we want to make the point that something is obvious, we’ll say ‘that’s so obvious, even a neo-con would understand it’. See, even a trained ape is more subtle than Donald Rumsfeld”

After the interview, Samson challenged Rumsfeld to a game of tic-tac-toe, best 2 out of 3. The loser has to admit they’re not as smart as a trained ape. No word yet on whether Rumsfeld has accepted.

Supreme Court rules that wealthy people can spend as much money as they want on elections including buying votes from poor people.

On Wednesday, the Supreme Court continued to dismantle the campaign finance reform laws by striking down a decades-old cap on the total amount any individual can contribute to federal candidates. In a surprise ruling, the Court extended the definition of free speech to include not only spending money on candidates but also the ability to buy someone else’s right to free speech or right to vote.
The ruling, combined with the Court’s Citizens United ruling in 2010 that extended free speech to corporations and allowed them to spend unlimited amounts of money on elections, practically guarantees that wealthy Americans will be able to determine the outcome of all future federal elections.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts wrote that “the top 1% of Americans are outnumbered 99 to 1 by the rest of the country. It is, therefore, not only fair, but necessary that they be allowed to spend 100 times more on elections than the average American. This includes not only the right to spend unlimited amounts of money on candidates but also the right to buy the rights of other Americans to spend on elections or vote. If the wealthy are restricted in any way from using their money to influence elections then there would be a dangerous imbalance in our democracy where the majority of elections would be determined by the majority of the voters. This goes against the very heart of the Constitution”

The vote was 5-4 along ideological lines with the 5 conservative members voting in the majority. Justice Thomas wrote a supporting argument for the majority. When asked where in the Constitution it says that people may buy or sell their right to vote, Justice Thomas admitted that he doesn’t really understand the Constitution. “You see, back in those days, the English they used was much different than the language we use today. So it’s really hard to read and understand exactly what it means. However, I’m pretty sure the founding fathers always intended America to be run by the wealthy.”  While many question Thomas’s legal prowess, it is hard to ague with his grasp of history.

Malaysian officials find a legitimate excuse for why they screwed up the investigation. No, wait, turns out it was just more garbage.

Mar 28

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

karskiHOW TO! #7: How to behave on the internet!

by Rich Karski

Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly internet column that also serves as the training manual for Eastern Wyoming’s third most racist militia.

 

 

 

Earlier this week, shots were fired on this very website, by another writer that for the purpose of this column we will call Ned Nettingell. Ned resorted to childish personal attacks, and even suggested that because his column had more readers it was more helpful than mine, simply because he chooses to help famous millionaires instead of reaching his hand down to help the common man. Maybe Ned’s column had more page-views, but this is because he is catering to a crowd that can afford computers, internet access, and homes.

Most of my readership results from my column being transcribed from memory onto Family Dollar receipts and passed along through the underground, which isn’t going to show up on any fancy internet website clicking report. I would not go so far as to call myself a hero, but since I started writing this column and stopped writing my gambling column, six fewer readers per week have been committing suicide. Those numbers don’t lie.

Another thing I would never do is resort to calling out a fellow writer by name, and attacking his talent or his character, especially one so clearly learning disabled as Ned. Why am I choosing to be the bigger man? Because I have something called “etiquette.” So if you’re reading this Ned (and I know dyslexia makes reading very difficult so I appreciate it if you are) take some notes, because this week I am teaching you all

 

HOW TO BEHAVE ON THE INTERNET!

STEP ONE: Figuring Out What The Fuck Even Is The Internet and
How Do You Get There

aol_cd_you_ve_got_mailSo back in like 1988, computers were invented so that kids at school could play Oregon Trail and teachers could nurse their hangovers in relative peace and quiet. It wasn’t until about ten years later that computers started popping up in homes, but what for? Nobody knew. Until all of a sudden five or six mysterious CDs would show up at each household every day, containing what would later come to be known as “the internet.” These CDs were sent by America Online, which is now I think a chain of gas stations, and they allowed the average person a chance to “surf” the “web” for up to fifteen minutes at a time until their mom forgot and accidentally picked up the phone. The internet back then was comprised mostly of horny men in chat rooms, which is a far cry from the sad men with blogs that make up most of today’s internet.

“So the internet comes from CDs and the old phone at my mom’s house?” No you twat, that’s where the internet USED to come from. It now comes from the sky and goes into your cell phone. Do you have a cell phone? Of course you do, even South Americans have cell phones. Are you near the sky? Good! You have the internet! Getting on the internet is as easy as looking at your phone and figuring out which little icon guy means “internet.” Some newer, fancier phones even just let you yell “internet” or “google” into the mouth part of the phone and that will take you there. Pretty simple stuff. So now that you know how to get to the internet and where it came from, you can learn how to be a responsible member of the online community.

 

STEP TWO: Pretending You Are Someone Else

So now you’re on the internet, and you realize that everyone here is kind of shitty and racist, and you think to yourself “Wow, I wish I had the courage to be shitty and racist online. But what if someone wants to hold me accountable for my thoughts and ideas?” Buddy, you have no fucking idea. Accountability DOES NOT EXIST on the internet if you don’t want it to. Spiros Vondopoulos summed up the internet perfectly when he said “He knows my name, but my name is not my name.” What? You haven’t seen “The Wire?” Didn’t Te- sorry, NED tell you to go watch that earlier this week?

Anyway, the point is he got to do whatever the fuck he wanted because if anybody came looking for him they would hit a dead end because he used a fake name. This is what you’re supposed to do online. Don’t like the president because he’s a black guy and want to tell the world? Go for it! YOU’RE not the racist, FalseFLAG6969 is the racist! Think consent is overrated? YOU’RE not a terrible shit excuse for a person, LAXBRO87 is! The further you distance yourself from your true identity, the more awful you get to be without consequence. Even I do it. You think “Rich Karski” is a real person? Please! I just pretend to be a shitty open mic comic from Boston with substance abuse issues and a gambling problem so that all of my wealthy banker friends don’t find out that I’m slumming it with you plebes and kick me out of the yacht club. Trust me, if I were REALLY this “Rich Karski” guy I would have killed myself a long time ago.

 

STEP THREE: Taking All Of The Quizzes

This is a very important part of establishing your online persona and letting everybody know just what type of person you are on the internet. Why would you take the time and effort to develop an identity when you can let Buzzfeed do it for you? These quizzes will do more to help you find your true self than any sexually adventurous backpacking trip through Europe could ever hope to do. Nobody’s online experience is complete until they and all of their friends become fully aware of which shirt style or sweetened beverage or Law and Order detective they are (I got T, iced tea, and Ice-T!) Make sure to lie when taking these quizzes to make yourself seem cooler than you actually are.

This goes back to step number two, as it isn’t really important for you to know which “Real World” house you should live in, but it is VERY important that all of your friends think you should live in the coolest one (San Diego) based on your cool answers to even cooler questions. Every person you know is going to judge you based on your Buzzfeed quiz results and nobody wants to get stuck with Belle as their Disney Princess and look like some fucking nerd who talks to cups and fucks a large dog. Have some self-respect.

 

STEP FOUR: Creating Content

This is how you separate the big dogs from the little pups on the web. If you want to truly be a powerful and respected online presence, you need to enter the realm of the content creator. First off, what is content? Well, you know those quizzes we were just talking about and all those links people send you with headlines like “A Little Girl Tries to Kiss A Shark, What Happens Next Will Restore Your Fear in Sharks.” All of that is content. And creating it is easy! I am literally doing it right now and I’m not even allowed to vote.

It used to be, in the time before the internet, that content was called “books” and you had to be either smart or interesting or talented to “create” these. Well get that shit the fuck out of here because we’re online now. It’s the goddamned wild west of content and you gotta dynamite that bank vault that is your idiot brain and start spilling its gold nuggets onto the shit-covered streets of the World Wide Web. You can create content about anything and spoon feed it to the rest of the idiots online and you will gain as much power and adoration as even the most respected king.

Here’s an example. Take your shirt off. Notice ten things about having your shirt off. Now write an article titled “Ten Things That Only Guys With Their Shirts Off Will Notice” and become an internet sensation. People will read your list and say “Wow I bet if I had my shirt off I would have noticed those things too!” and they will soon become hungry for more of your content.

 

STEP FIVE: Posting Nudes

Everybody does it and you don’t want to be left out. Just post them. You’re not even allowed on the internet anymore unless you can be found naked on the internet. It’s common courtesy and considered the height of rudeness if you don’t show your junk to everyone online. Again, this is about etiquette.

 

Well there you have it. Five easy steps to make sure you behave online in a way that gets you respect and possibly jewels.

Maybe if Ned spent more time posting nudes and less time insulting me he would probably have way more fans and everyone wouldn’t talk behind his back about what a prude he is and how he must be ashamed of his body. Your move Nettingell

 

 

See the Unsolicited Advice Column that started the epic rivalry between our two writers that will surly end with large swords (or at least a little bit of crying,) here!

Mar 25

FAUX News – Breaking News

Malaysian officials announce that all evidence conclusively proves Amelia Earhart is dead. Notify relatives via Instagram.

Malaysian officials pretty sure the plane is somewhere in this region

Malaysian officials pretty sure the plane is somewhere in this general region.

Yesterday, government officials in Malaysia concluded that all available evidence indicates that Amelia Earhart’s plane ran out of fuel and crashed in the South Pacific. Malaysian officials have been heavily criticized for taking so long to look for the plane which disappeared in 1937. “In hindsight we realize we should have started the search 77 years earlier but we had incomplete information on where the plane went down and the ocean is, like, really, really big and hard to find stuff in. So we wanted a better idea of where it might be before we put a lot of resources into looking for it”.

In addition to being slow to start the investigation, Malaysia has been criticized for not being forthcoming with information on the flight, not exploring all leads and spreading misinformation, most notable of which was insisting for weeks that Ms. Earhart was actually a man. The confusion led to the rise of several conspiracy theories with the most popular being that navigator Fred Noonan had taken over the plane and changed it’s course for Tahiti so he could be with women that were less bossy and didn’t threaten his masculinity.

The families of Earhart and Noonan reacted to the Malaysian announcement with a mixture of anger, sadness and disbelief “Seriously!?! She would have been 117. Of course she’s dead, you morons!”. Finally, after a few hours, calmer heads prevailed and the families realized they could sue the crap out of the Malaysian government and airlines.

Responding to the families claims that if they had acted sooner they may have been able to rescue survivors, the government responded with the following statement: “We understand the grief that many families are experiencing and we are sorry for their loss. This has been a difficult investigation and we hope that the families will now have closure even though we still haven’t found the plane or proved anything. However, none of that changes the fact that this was just a tragic accident and you really shouldn’t sue us even though we’re incompetent and have a ton of money. It’s time we all moved on”

 

Other stories we’re working on:

Male viewers annoyed by “Talking Dead”. “Why do we have to talk about it afterwards? Can’t we just enjoy the moment? Besides it’s late and I really want to go to sleep”

Oscar Pistorius claims to have anterograde amnesia and has been trying to find his girlfriend’s killer through a series of notes he leaves himself. In a dramatic, last minute twist, Joe Pantoliano reveals that Oscar is actually the murderer.

2012 Virgin Active Sports Industry Awards momento

Mar 25

The Unsolicited Advice Column – by Ted Pettingell

t_pettingell_unscene

The Unsolicited Advice Column

- by Ted Pettingell

A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted. 

Well one week in and my new and improved advice is already the most viewed thing in the history of unscene comedy.  I got more hits than everything Rich Karski has ever written.  Not just for this site but for anything, even stuff he didn’t post it on the internet.  Last week I saved three lives and this week I plan on saving three more.  Oh and Mr. @shaq is a millionaire now.  How many fortunes are you responsible for Karski?  So lets get to it.

@NadeenYousef writes, “To Study? OR watch Revenge?  OR to sleep out of Boredom?  #whattodo”

Well Nadeen I think the first thing you need to do is get better taste in television shows.  I think you already know that.  Your choice is between watching a show you supposedly like or taking a nap out of boredom.  You are so bored by your favorite show that you need to take a nap.  A great man once said their is no such thing as boredom, only fear.  I can’t remember his name so I’ll just say I said it.  What I’m trying to say is you are afraid to come to grips with the fact you have been wasting your life watching awful television. So maybe you should pick up the box set of The Wire and get your mind blown. Also you should study. Stay in school kids! Thats advice for everyone.

Next up, @katstakk writes “Is sad when you cant expect nothing but bad things comin from somebody but at the same time u want them in your life #whattodo #decissions”

Well Kat Sack I would say get your pets spayed and neutered. Then I would say go back and read that last paragraph where I mention staying in school because Jesus Christ you are all over the place in that question. Okay, I just spent five minutes reading over it and I think I got a handle on it. This is dangerously close to a relationship question and like I said last week I’m done with relationship questions. I would say if you are sad just thinking about how shitty this person is going to treat you maybe just maybe you should cut them out of your life. Then you should go watch the Movie Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. Then you will probably miss the point of the movie and you will tell everyone how great it would be if that movie was real so you could scrub your dumb ex-boyfriend from your mind. Next question.

Finally @Arbys writes, “#whiletwitterwasdown we decided to take up a hobby.  Wait, does eating a beef n’ cheddar count as a hobby?”

Arby’s you shameless cunts.  Well, I got to the third question before I called someone a cunt. You lose again Karski. You said it would be in the introduction. And you said it would be about you. Anyway, Arby’s I guess that is a hobby but so is hitting the gym. Maybe if you worked on yourself more you wouldn’t need to wear that giant cowboy hat to distract from all your cheese sauce covered chins. You should watch Blazing Saddles, a movie that like yourself, I associate with cowboy hats and farting.

 

Well, three more millionaires and I keep my perfect track record. Suck it Karski.

Older posts «