UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to part two of the DICK PICKS NFL Season preview! The only online football gambling season preview that abuses more prescription amphetamines than the Seahawks secondary.
Before we begin, I just wanted to remind everyone that Roger Goodell is a gaping red asshole. Josh Gordon was suspended for an entire season for his third failed drug test, and Goodell is going to spin it as “Durr my hands were tied by the CBA” when really everyone knows that he just quantified literally knocking a woman unconscious as 1/8th as bad as regularly smoking marijuana in the NFL’s eyes. There is literally nowhere else in the world that isn’t under Sharia Law where this is considered true. The fact of the matter is that Goodell wouldn’t GAIN anything by suspending Ray Rice for a full season, whereas by coming down like a Nazi on recreational drugs, he has something to hold over the heads of any player who likes to occasionally get high.
“You want us to relax our stance on pot? YOU GOTTA GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE SHIELD! 18 game season for minimum wage motherfuckers!” He’ll say he’s doing it in the best interest of the players to deter harmful behavior, because the best way to get players to stop doing drugs is to give them AN ENTIRE YEAR’S WORTH OF FREE TIME. This man is fucking clownshoes. He is a deplorable excuse for a human being and I hope a colony of fire ants crawls into his asshole and eats him alive from the inside out.
ANNNYYYYWAY, back to the NFL preview, because thinking about this stuff any further is going to give me an aneurysm. In part two we’re looking at the AFC, which looks like a two-horse race at the moment, but this is the NFL so somebody shitty and annoying like the Ravens or Steelers could always come along and ruin it for everybody. ON TO THE PICKS!
BALTIMORE UNDER 8.5 WINS
Fuck Ray Rice and fuck the stupid fans who gave him a standing ovation. “HE’S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!” Yes a millionaire punches a woman in the face and has to take a two week vacation and all these shit-head mouthbreathers in Baltimore making minimum wage treat him like a goddamned hero. Ravens fans wonder why everybody hates them because they’re the least self-aware fanbase in all of sports. They are trash that has been muckraked up from the bottom of Chesapeake Bay. I would like to see this team lose every game so their mutant swamp-people fans can blame the NFL and the NSA and the WWE and everyone except their shitty uni-browed quarterback. Fuck John Harbaugh too.
BUFFALO UNDER 6.5 WINS
Buffalo’s defense is actually pretty solid, but I think EJ Manuel may in fact be as terrible as everyone feared when the world was legitimately shocked that he was drafted in the first round. They have a cavalcade of fragile running backs, and Sammy Watkins will probably make a few dynamic plays before Manuel sends him to the hospital by floating him a pass in traffic. Also Bon Jovi wants to buy this team and move them to Toronto because it’s still officially 1993 in Canada and that’s the last time Bon Jovi and the Buffalo Bills were both relevant. Get ready for a lot of 16-13 losses, Bills fans.
CINCINNATI OVER 9 WINS
Congratulations Cincinnati on making the Jay Cutler contract look almost reasonable. Andy Dalton is now the quarterback of the future for the Bengals, which is great if you liked watching Dave Krieg but wished he had less personality. Andy Dalton’s favorite athlete is Jesus, his favorite music is Jesus, his favorite television show is Jesus, and his favorite food is interceptions. This team will probably win ten games, but that’s despite Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis, not because of them. They lost BOTH coordinators to head coaching jobs elsewhere, so regression is a distinct possibility, but I hate this division and don’t even want to spend more time thinking about it.
CLEVELAND UNDER 6.5 WINS
AWW FUCK ALREADY? Look, it’s Cleveland. They’re going 4-12. Mike Pettine was a high school coach who bugged Rex Ryan to give him a job like three years ago. Between doing coke in Vegas bathrooms and kissing Drake, Johnny Manziel doesn’t have time to learn a playbook more complicated than “run around and heave it to Mike Evans.” Josh Gordon is suspended forever because he likes smoking weed. This team is going 4-12. Don’t try to look for an upside, don’t try to spin their offseason additions as anything other than aging retreads. Just accept that this team is going 4-12 and move on.
DENVER OVER 11.5 WINS
I mean, sure, Wes Welker is already dead, and there’s always a chance that Peyton could also be murdered by a drifter or poisoned by a jealous Papa John because he’s spending too much time doing commercials for other annoying things, but those are only minor possibilities. More than likely, Manning is just going to throw another hundred or so touchdown passes because defensive backs aren’t allowed to cover receivers anymore because Peyton’s receivers weren’t open in the Super Bowl so he cried about it AGAIN and the NFL is cracking down on defensive contact AGAIN so Archie Manning will finally stop emailing them.
Seriously, if Peyton complained about the color of the sky that abominable shit-heel of a commissioner would tell the refs to throw penalty flags at God himself. I’m surprised they don’t just give the flags to the quarterbacks now and let them throw them as they see fit.
HOUSTON OVER 7.5 WINS
Okay so this team is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick and even Harvard wasn’t thrilled about that back in 2002 or whenever the fuck he was there, but Bill O’Brien tends to get more out of his offense than expected so I wouldn’t say they will be atrocious, just very, very bad. The defense is what I think will get this team to .500, as they have JJ Watt and JaDaveon Clowney lining up to destroy everything in their path and lay waste to the Chad Hennes and Jake Lockers of the world. This is a Houston team with a lot of defensive talent and really nothing to lose since you have to figure the offense will be dogshit. They’re going to hurt some people and probably ruin the playoff hopes of at least two teams along the way and JJ Watt will be incredibly happy about that because JJ Watt is a hemorrhoid.
INDIANAPOLIS OVER 9.5 WINS
You can pretty much pencil this team in for 11-5 until everyone else in their division gets their shit together, and also for an early round playoff loss for as long as Manning and Brady remain relevant. I’m pretty sure Andrew Luck is some annoying 12 year old nerd who stumbled across the Zoltar machine from Big and wished that he could be an NFL quarterback. He carries himself like he just touched a boob for the first time and HOLY CRAP IT WAS AWESOME YOU GUYS!!!
Also it’s been two years and nobody really cares that Chuck Pagano had cancer anymore so I guess that’s the shelf-life for sympathy on something like that. If you really want people to care, then you’ll get some more cancer CHUCKSTRONG! I used to really hate this team, but now they’re just kind of there, and most of their more detestable fans have turned into Broncos fans anyway, so congratulations Indianapolis! You have earned my ambivalence.
JACKSONVILLE UNDER 5 WINS
This team signed Toby Gerhardt to be their starting running back because nobody else in the world would ever want to move to this godforsaken city. I actually think Blake Bortles might be pretty good, but we’ll never know since this team is so boring and irrelevant that I’m not even sure if Blake Bortles is a real person. He certainly SOUNDS made up. They also probably won’t play him much because Chad Henne is still here defending his title as “the best quarterback that your team could possibly start that would still cause you to immediately give up on the season.” It’s a long title, but an accurate one.
For some reason, as a player, Chad Henne seems much better than Alex Smith. But as a CONCEPT he seems so much worse. You can trick yourself into thinking your team can win with Alex Smith, but when you’re starting Chad Henne you already know you’re fucked.
KANSAS CITY UNDER 8.5 WINS
Speak of the devil! Somehow Alex Smith has convinced himself he is worth Jay Cutler money, and I guess if you’re going to give Jay Cutler Jay Cutler money why not give it to Alex Smith too? They’re coming off one of history’s more embarrassing playoff losses, although they can’t really be blamed since it looked like a sniper was picking off their best players from the upper deck all game. I do think last year was a fluke, as their schedule isn’t as favorable and the defense isn’t as strong, plus Andy Reid is good for losing at least two games on his own with hideous play calling and clock management. If you even bring a stopwatch near Andy Reid he swats it away like a bee.
This is a very mediocre team whose best players will all be injured by Thanksgiving which is great because I spent far too much money on Jamal Charles in my fantasy auction draft. Fuck.
MIAMI UNDER 8 WINS
“Is Ryan Tannehill elite?” is going to be the new “Is Joe Flacco elite?” and let’s just get it out of the way right now that the answer to both is no. Ryan Tannehill cannot complete passes downfield, so they brought in Mike Wallace which is like giving your shithead kid who crashed his 1988 Volvo a brand new Ferrari because SURELY A MORE EXPENSIVE CAR WILL HELP HIM DRIVE BETTER!
A lot of people like the Dolphins to improve and make a playoff push, but why exactly? They didn’t get better. They didn’t TRY to get better. Other than just having different shitty guys on their O-line, they stayed the same and are hoping that continuity and magic guide them to the playoffs I guess. Well, since most of their team seems to be getting injured or suspended, and Ryan Tannehill will once again spend most of the season picking turf out of his facemask, I am saying this team falls well below .500.
NEW ENGLAND OVER 10.5 WINS
HOMER PICK! HOMER PICK! But really look at this schedule and explain to me a scenario where this team loses six games that doesn’t involve a plane crash. New England’s defense MAY ACTUALLY BE GOOD THIS YEAR BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK FINALLY DECIDED THAT HAVING GOOD DEFENSIVE PLAYERS IS IMPORTANT!!! We are living in exciting times up here in New England! Unfortunately, the offense is once again built around Gronk and Shane Vereen’s ability to stay healthy and that’s like building a hospital in Palestine in the shape of a giant swastika and just crossing your fingers that nobody shoots a rocket at it.
The other receivers are not so reliable, and I imagine Brady will throw at least three picks that bounce directly off the back of their heads after they run the wrong route. BUT GUYS THE DEFENSE!!! This team is set up pretty well for the two-seed, and barring anything outrageous happening they should be able to get it. *watches Revis go down with a knee injuy in a 10-6 loss to the Jets, weeps openly*
NY JETS UNDER 7 WINS
This team won eight games last year! How the FUCK did this team win eight games last year? Geno Smith looked pretty great in two wins over the Pats and the Falcons, but the Pats and Falcons also had defenses consisting entirely of scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns last year so those games are less impressive in retrospect. In most other games he looked horrific. But they have Eric Decker now! Drew Bennett 2.0 parlayed a big season with one of the greatest quarterbacks and receiving corps in history into a big contract to be the only option for Geno Smith. Let me know how that goes because I refuse to watch this team unless they’re playing the Pats.
Chris Johnson is also here to make Trent Richardson look explosive by comparison. Aside from an absolutely savage defensive line, there is no talent on this team. I think half of their wins last year came because the other team slept in and forgot to show up.
OAKLAND OVER 4.5 WINS
It’s the Matt Schaub comeback tour! Pick sixes for everybody! A lot of people view the Raiders as the worst team in the NFL, and being in a very tough division with very little talent makes this an easy conclusion to come to. I, ever the contrarian, disagree. Sure, they’re bad, but the worst? The team everyone always assumes is the worst rarely ends up being the worst. Shit Jacksonville was the consensus worst team in football last year and they finished ahead of two of the previous year’s division winners.
I think Oakland can win five or six games just by virtue of everyone saying “Ehhh it’s just the Raiders” when they see them on the schedule and assuming they have a week off. This sucks for the Raiders, because they could sure use that number one pick in the draft that they would almost certainly fuck up anyway. “With the first pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, the San Antonio Raiders select: THIS INANIMATE CARBON ROD!”
PITTSBURGH UNDER 8.5 WINS
GUHHHHHHHH JUST FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY. I predict at some point Ben Roethlisberger and Todd Haley get into a shouting match that ends in some half-assed shoving and both of them being too scared to throw a punch. If not this team is so fucking boring they make baseball watchable by comparison. At least their two running backs are idiots and got arrested for smoking pot a couple hours before a team charter flight. Stuff this team in a sack and drown them in all three rivers.
SAN DIEGO OVER 8 WINS
SPEAKING OF RIVERS!!! Philip Rivers had his seventh kid this offseason because he loathes women’s reproductive rights and is trying to sire enough children to vote them into oblivion. The offense is kind of good though! They’re a Peyton Manning injury away from running away with the AFC West, and they even won a playoff game last year! This is certainly a team on the grow, even if nobody wants to sit in their shitty stadium and none of their home games will be televised locally.
It’s going to be fun to hate the Chargers again because after all those years of AJ Smith and Norv Turner I started to feel bad for them. NOT ANYMORE! Now it’s back to hoping that Philip Rivers tries to run a QB sneak and while diving forward his mouth touches another man’s genitals so he runs to the sidelines to rinse with bleach to get the gay out but accidentally swallows it and dies. Good times.
TENNESSEE UNDER 7 WINS
This is my favorite bet of the year, and the Titans are my pick to be the NFL’s worst team this season, because I look at their roster and what the honest to goodness fuck? 50 Cent is more likely to finish a NY Times crossword puzzle than Jake Locker is to finish an NFL season, and THEY KNOW THIS, but they still bring in Charlie Whitehurst as the backup quarterback. Has anyone ever seen Charlie Whitehurst throw a football? Are we certain he even knows what a football looks like? *googles Charlie Whitehurst stats* HOLY SHIT HE HAS THROWN 32 CAREER PASSES FOR 64 YARDS!!!
A Shonn Greene rush averages more yards than a pass by the guy who will almost certainly be the starting quarterback by week four, and Shonn Greene is ASS. He’s also their starting running back! Their WRs are Kendall Wright, Justin Hunter, and Nate Washington who sound like they should be good but are definitely not. This offense reads like the most pathetic waiver wire in fantasy football history, but don’t worry, the defense got worse too! Maybe because of their shitty division they can win five games or so, but this team is staring 2-14 right in the face.
And there you have it!
Your 2014 DICK PICKS NFL preview! Now go away until next week because I’ll be busy betting on college football.
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