Oct 22

The Oscar Outlook by RA Bartlett

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The Oscar Outlook

by RA Bartlett

 

 

 

 

It’s now the fourth quarter of the year, which means that pundits are talking about the Oscar race. More and more, there are people saying “Oscars? Pff? Why should I care about a bunch of rich snobs congratulating themselves?”, I guess as opposed to things like the Superbowl, which is completely absent of things like greed and ego. In short, the Oscar race is a game in and of itself. There are quite a few rules, although, much like with the normal audiences, awarding movies can be a game of “It is except when it’s not”.

 

Now, what does one need to make it as an Oscar contender?
There are several things to keep in mind.

 

Politics

I think the biggest one is much like the politics of well, politics politics. Project the image that only a select few have a chance. Much like citizens voters have this fear that voting outside the two party system is a wasted vote, Oscar campaigning is about saying “Hey, you might not really think Brad Pitt gave one of the performances of the year, but do you really think that bald character actor from the Croation dark comedy has a chance?”

 

The fact of the matter is, voters are working professionals, and don’t have time to see every film available, (and to be honest, they might even hand the ballot to family, or even staff members) so at the end of the day, they rely on a few external factors to make their choices.
Critical response is a good opening salvo. It’s not always the case (Look at Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or better yet, don’t, for your own good.)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly...whatever that movie sucked. (via myportiswaspsays.com/2012/01/extremely-loud-incredibly-close-elena.html)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly…whatever that movie sucked.
(via myportiswaspsays.com)

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Oct 21

Have YOU found Him? – by Ethan Diamond.

by Ethan Diamond

by Ethan Diamond

 

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THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

Oct 20

Working Comic. The EASIEST money. – by Shawn Carter.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Hi friends.  Gather ’round children (that means come listen to this story, not collect chubby kids).

I had a great unprofitable week.  Sometimes in comedy you get to have a really fun week but make no money.  It’s just how it goes sometimes.  As I was starting to worry about money and the future,  I saw a post someone made about a place in Medford that will pay you $40 a day for your…ummmmm….  solid waste.  I told my father about it and he was surprised and sort of grossed out “They’ll pay you $40 for your poop?”.  I said “Yes.  They actually use it to help treat sick people.”.  “How do they do that?” he asked, “I don’t know, I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

335 Somerville Ave.  7:30

335 Somerville Ave. 7:30

Monday –  Another week of hosting at Sally O’briens.  It was a great time.  Lots of great jokes being tossed out there.  Lots of people laughing.  It warms my heart to see these new young comics getting so damn good so damn fast.

Tuesday –   Again, I get the honor of hosting the show at Stadium in Quincy.  Such a great time.  This room is so perfectly set up for an open mic/comedy night.  But it’s really the 20 or so comics that come that make it awesome.  Thanks guys/gals.

 

Wednesday – Holy crap one of my favorite new comics in Boston Mike Settlow hosted the mic at The Tavern at the End of the World.  I went there and talked about strippers,  it went great but I probably can’t use the story for anything but open mics.

Thursday – Patriots are playing Thursday night football?  I didn’t know that.  Oh man I have a show.  Oh well.  I’ll just watch it at the bar I guess.  (middle of the day, phone rings) My brother Tom “Hey man I got two free tickets to tonights game do you want to go?”  me “Uhhhh…. yeah but I can’t I have a show.”

via sportsgrid.com

via sportsgrid.com

I go to the show there’s a small crowd.  They don’t like me.  I should have gone to the Patriots game.  Well at least it wasn’t a great game, right?  Oh the Patriots blocked a field goal with 2 seconds left to win?!?  Damn.

I just had to sit at the bar thinking about what I passed up.

Friday – During the day I went out and did some yard work with my dad.  We had lunch and raked leaves it was an alright day.  After we finished raking we went inside and he retired to the men’s room.  When he came out he just grunted “hmmm…  that one had to be worth at least $40″.  Oh yeah, that’s where I get my sense of humor from, that guy.

Friday night – I didn’t have a show, so I invited Rich Karski over and with my room mate Scott Oddo the three of us watched the classic motion picture “Over The Top”.   I remember my father renting that movie when I was a kid and watching it with him.  At one point there’s a guy that drinks motor oil before an arm wrestling match.  When I was a child I asked my father “Why is that guy drinking oil?”  and my father responded “Because he’s a man.”

via en.paperblog.com

via en.paperblog.com

Saturday – Packed house at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge.  It was a good time.

Here’s a clip from that show.

Sunday – Misha Han was hosting at The Comedy Studio so he invited me to close the show.  I was more than happy to do so and while it wasn’t sold out it was a great crowd and a great line up.

Thanks for reading, I’m off to Medford to release a gold mine.*

*oh man not really.  That’s a joke and sort of a gross one.  However if I lived in Medford…. well nevermind.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

Oct 17

Weirdly Specific Horoscope. Oct. 17. – by Phoebe Angle and Shawn Carter.

aries48  Aries (March 21 – April 19):  You find what you think is a quarter in the bathroom.  It turns out to be a Baht, Thai money.  You decide that rather than leaving it there, you are going to take it to Thailand to spend it.  Enjoy your new life in Southern Asia!

via blessthisstuff.com

via blessthisstuff.com

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Oct 16

Dick Picks: Week 7. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski.

karski

 

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that annoys co-workers all day by making guitar noises with its mouth.

 

This past week was pretty fucking lame on the whole. There were three fairly exciting games and one of them ended in a tie. Also can we please get rid of the “kissing your sister” analogy when it comes to ties?

It's high time someone made an honest woman out of her. (via dougandjune.blogspot.com)

It’s high time someone made an honest woman out of her.
(via dougandjune.blogspot.com)

 

Even though siblings never kiss anymore for any reasons that aren’t absolutely deviant, that’s not even the most disturbing part about it. No, the most disturbing thing is how excited everyone is to say it after there’s a fucking tie. People fall all over their dicks to yell out “IT’S LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER!” as if they coined the term and are owed royalties on every use. We get it, the thought of siblings kissing each other gets you excited in ways that normal humans can’t comprehend. You’re fucking gross. It isn’t even a good analogy.

 

 

A tie is not like engaging in abnormal relations with your sister. You know what a tie is like? A tie is like when you have to walk a mile and a half to your fucking car because you live in the city and the parking is terrible, and when you get to your car you realize you forgot your keys and have to walk alllllll-the-fucking-way back, then once you finally get to your front door you realize that your keys were just in a different pocket and you wonder what the fuck was the point of even leaving your goddamned house in the first place. That’s what a tie is like. It’s pointless, it’s infuriating, but it’s not a sex crime.

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Oct 15

What your Sexy Halloween Costume Says About You! by Christa Weiss

reddress_unscene

 

What your Sexy Halloween costume says about you!

by Christa Weiss

 

 

 

Hey ladies, its Halloween time, and you know what that means! Legs bare, tits out, & lady parts barely covered! Its time to prove to everyone you know that the chilly fall weather in new England really doesn’t affect you because seriously, frostbite is not that big of a deal, and you fit way better into those cute little strappy heels without the burden of your little toe.

But what exactly does that sexy sex filled costume say about you? — is a question no one is asking.

Too bad! I’ve set out to psychologically dissect you, using very little information via list article! Because if there’s one thing we all know for certain about chicks who wear the sexiest of costumes, is that no matter how much you insist, no one really believes that you’re not freezing your ass off.

halloweencostumes.com

This costume is going to haunt my nightmares forever. (halloweencostumes.com)

Sexy clown

You love telling jokes! Too bad most of them involve props and are intensely unfunny. You think everyone loves you but really you just kind of creep people out. There is a very strange corner of the internet that might want to see you do something with a cream pie. Do it.

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Oct 14

Origin Story. – by Ethan Diamond.

comic by Ethan Diamond

comic by Ethan Diamond

Oct 13

Working Comic: Return to Saugus. – by Shawn Carter.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Howdy once again dudes and dudettes.  Another week has passed and what have we learned?  Well, for one thing Monday night football is not having any kind of affect on the amount of comedians we get at Sally O’briens.   Secondly, there’s a regular comedy show closer to my apartment than I would have guessed.  Third, I’m not an actor.  But I’m jumping ahead let’s go through the week day by day.

Monday-  I hosted the comedy show at Sally O’Briens and we had 51 comics on the list.  Some were late, some left before their spot.  But of the 51 we were able to get 47 comics on stage.  Every comic that was there at the beginning and stayed until the end got onstage and told jokes.  When there’s that many people that’s all I can offer.  The time limit that we have because of reggae is a blessing and a curse.  As much as I’d like to get everyone on stage, I also don’t feel like running a 3 hour open mic.  It was a fun marathon of a show though.  Thanks to all the comics that made it out.

Tuesday-  I hosted the comedy open mic at Stadium in Quincy.  This show is less crowded than Sally’s and therefore a lot more laid back.  We got 20 comics and I think all of them stayed for the entire show and watched each other perform.  It’s really a great supportive group of regulars that we get at this mic.  Also we had our comedy debate after the show and our good friend Miguel Perez won this week, walking away with a dvd of some of wrestlings best rivalries as his prize for besting the other debaters.

Wednesday-  I performed on a show that is only minutes from my apartment.  There’s a bar in Quincy called Maggy’s Lounge and they have a regular comedy show.  I walked there.  It is the least amount of time or money I’ve ever spent getting to a show.  And it was fun too.  Billy Cox and his friends put together a fun show with a mix of stand ups and improv groups.  If we’re neighbors you should check it out sometime.

Thursday-  I closed the show at Fody’s Tavern in Nashua New Hampshire.  It was all fun and games until someone smashed a glass at the front table in the middle of my set.  I don’t think they meant to smash the glass, I think they just hit it on the table harder than they realized when they were doubled over laughing at my hilarious jokes.  Still the clean up was a little bit distracting but these things happen.

Friday-  During the day I auditioned for an independent film.  I was pretty nervous as I’ve never acted before except for every time I’ve lied during my life and I’ve lied a lot.  Even still I was nervous to attempt acting in front of some film makers.  I arrived on time and headed into the auditioning room.  I was on the casting couch and what happened next was nothing like what goes on in the movies I’ve seen about casting couches.  Anyway, everyone involved was super nice.  I was really surprised with how nice everyone was to me, even though I knew I wasn’t a very good actor.  It was a fun experience and I like the idea for the film they’re making, I’m going to have to keep an eye out for it once they’ve finished it.

Friday & Saturday night-  I hosted both Friday and Saturday night at Kowloon in Saugus.  It went really well and I got some really nice compliments after the show from some friendly audience members.  This was a big test for me because there was a time a couple of years ago that I thought I had gotten pretty good but I couldn’t last 10 minutes on that stage.  After I struggled there I reached out to the club and took a part time gig working the door there.  I

spent many weekends watching the shows there and learning from the headliners.  Even when I stopped working the door there because I had gotten too busy with weekend shows at other venues I still didn’t feel like I was quite ready to get back on stage at the Kowloon.  After another year of experience I made my return and I’m so glad I did.  Now I’m really looking forward to get back up to Saugus again soon.

Sunday-  I rested…. and wrote this…

Oct 10

Weirdly Specific Horoscope. Oct. 10 – by Phoebe Angle and Shawn Carter.

aries48 Aries (march 21-april 19):

Keep in mind that just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean that your friend will also enjoy it.  Don’t share everything with your BFF, they may not want to know what you do privately with your significant other, you sicko.

via dailymail.co.uk

via dailymail.co.uk

 

taurus48  Taurus (april 20-may 20):

Don’t forget to do that thing that you needed to do this week.  Because while you’re there you’ll meet the woman of your dreams.  She’s beautiful, and sees you for you.
She sees through that pasty skin, and bald head, nervous sweats, and prescription deodorant.  She sees that thing your mother has been telling you about
this whole time.  So don’t forget to do that thing.

richman

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Oct 09

Red Bull Must Pay. Here’s 5 Crazy Accurate Slogans for Popular Companies. – by Shawn Carter.

Now that Red Bull has settled a false advertising claim for 13 million dollars perhaps other companies will consider changing their slogans to more accurately describe their product.  I scoured the web for the best new slogans people have come up with for these companies and now I present to you my five favorite potential new slogans for these well known companies.

1.  We all know you don’t take NyQuil unless you have absolutely no reason to be awake for the next 15 hours.  I personally would die in a fire or by being eaten by small animals before waking up if I had just a cap full of NyQuil.  So their actually slogan” The Nightime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffyhead, Fever, So-You-Can-Rest Medicine. ”  is rather accurate but I still somehow find the picture below even closer to the truth.

via adweek.com

via adweek.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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