Sep 17

The Dumb Web: TheUSpatriot.com the “Best Conservative News on the Internet” Barely Qualifies as News, to the Surprise of No One – by PJ Westin

478362_3694497522795_107863403_oThe Dumb Web: Theuspatriot.com the “Best Conservative news on the internet” Barely Qualifies as News, to the Surprise of No One

The Dumb Web is a weekly series that shines a light on the dimmest parts of the internet.

by PJ Westin

 

 

Theuspatriot.com is the self-proclaimed, “best Conservative news on the internet.” In fact, the site does boast some of the best news for conservatives, but it achieves this goal by making most of it up.
For example, it gained a little attention a few months ago for an article claiming that there was a “Report Circulating That Justice John Roberts Signed Off On Obama’s Arrest For Treason.” Even if you ignore fact that a sitting President can’t be arrested and that the Supreme Court cannot issue arrest warrants, the first line of article states that, “There is some serious speculation that Chief Justice John Roberts has signed off on Interpol.”

I’m not sure what the US Patriot thinks that Interpol is, but it’s an independent, international police agency, and it’s not something that can be “signed off on.” That line would make just as much sense if the author had said “There is some serious speculation that Chief Justice John Roberts has tickled on flapjacks.” In fact, that sentence makes more sense, because John Roberts could (at least hypothetically) tickle someone while standing on a stack of pancakes.

Visual approximation.

Visual approximation.

 

Now, some people have speculated that the US Patriot is actually a satirical website, or some kind of parody, which is tempting to believe, especially given that the site appears to have debuted on April 1rst, 2014. However, if that were the case, they wouldn’t report real news in a straight-faced manner, which the Patriot does from time to time. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at how they report real news.

The US Patriot covered the recent lawsuit brought against the President by Republican members of Congress. In it, they quoted the Wall Street Journal. Have a look:

 

wsJ_sue

This is cheap writing even by my standards, and look how many pictures I use.

 

In a 303 word article, 241 belong to the Wall Street Journal. While this is lazy and most like some form of copyright infringement, it’s also proof that the Patriot’s goal is not satire. If it were, it wouldn’t put its insane fabrications along with real content.

It also wouldn’t be blatantly racist. Really, this site is quite racist.

For example, every article about a Hispanic and Latino person is about illegal immigration.

Have you noticed all the articles are written by “The Patriot?” It’s like the economist for dumb people.

Have you noticed all the articles are written by “The Patriot?” It’s like the economist for dumb people.

 

Seriously, I flipped through this entire site, and I only found one article about a Latino or Hispanic person that didn’t have the words “illegal immigrant” or “illegal alien” in the title (and it was belittling a Mexican woman’s claim that Americans had a racist view of her culture).

It also does the same thing to Muslims, though the approach is a bit different. There’s specific two tiered method to it, which is to-

a)     show the worst examples of Islamic extremism abroad and-

yikes

b)     make it seem like it is something that is coming to America.

islam

This pattern is pretty consistent across the site; show Muslim extremists in the Middle East doing something awful (like this and this), then find any small story about Muslims in America and give it an “it could happen here” spin (like this and this). It’s a very specific combination designed to elicited fear.

And of course there are racist articles about Black people. For example, the author(s?) throw the word “Thug” out in lieu of racial slurs.

thugs

Seriously, is “Thug” a completely racist word now? Should I stop saying “Thug?”

 

And it even manages to be racist without using words. For example, check out these articles on welfare and see if you notice what the accompanying pictures have in common.

welfare

I…don’t have anything clever for this. This is just shitty.

 

It does the same thing for prison as well.

sterilize

I’d like to point out that this article is supportive of forced sterilization. To put that in perspective, the last people to support forced sterilization were the Nazis.

 

Now, it would’ve been easy to just pick the Patriot apart for its blatant lies (like their claim that the president gave himself a pay raise), or go after their birther claims, or their undying support of Cliven Bundy. But after digging around on the site longer than any rational person should, I was actually disturbed by how…familiar everything was. There are a lot of sites that use the same tactics to convey racist messages without being explicitly racist (looking at you, Fox News ). There are a lot of online news sources that will take large quantities of content from respected news outlets and mix it in with their own click-bait content (the Huffington Post does this pretty liberally (no pun intended(triple parenthetical))).

And that’s really what’s so disturbing about the US Patriot. At its core, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but it comes together in a way specifically designed to misinform. It has blatant false assertions like the kind you’d find in an outlandish tabloid, but then it mixes them with real stories to blur the lines between real and fake, and throws in some racist overtones for good measure. And while most of us are smart enough to see through this, there will always be a handful of people that read this stuff and then think that the President is a Kenyan born Muslim who somehow evaded arrest at the hands of John Roberts to plot the destruction of Cliven Bundy’s ranch.

So think of the U.S. Patriot the next time you see something like this:

 

sign

Also, pretty sure that’s the Dad from the Wonder Years.   Just saying.

 

 

 

 

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THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

 

 

Sep 16

Uninhabitable – by Ethan Diamond

Comic by Ethan Diamond.

Comic by Ethan Diamond.

Sep 15

Working Comic: Millionaire Comedian!(couldn’t be that easy.) by Shawn Carter.

This is not Jay-Z

This is not Jay-Z

Well I finished my first work week as a stand up comedian.

What does that entail?  Let me tell ya!

Sunday Daytime:

I spent the day “NETWORKING”.  Which means I was at a pool party.  However, most of the people at the pool party were comedians or bookers or good athletes that would act as ringers for our softball teams.  So I feel like I can count that as work.

Sunday Night:

I hung out at The Comedy Studio and although I wasn’t booked for the show I was given a guest spot.  Thanks to Rick Jenkins for letting me get on stage and work on my act.

Monday Daytime:

Woke up at 8am.  I thought alright, I’m gonna go get comedy.  I’m gonna sit down and write jokes and everything is gonna come together and I’ll have 10 great new jokes by noon time.  But inspiration is hard to find.  Instead I had breakfast with my girlfriend and then went to the gym.

Then I went to the open audition for “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”.  I know basically everyone wants to be a Millionaire but from what I witnessed only a few hundred people are willing to stand in a line in Boston for an indefinite amount of time on a Monday afternoon.  It’s not a bad way to spend a day really if you have the chance to do it sometime.  I stood in line for about an hour and then they brought me into a large room with about 60 or 70 other people.  We were given 10 minutes to complete a 30 question multiple choice test and when we were finished with it they sent each through the scanner to see who had passed and who had failed.

While we were waiting for the results a 20 something year old girl from Long Island kept us company asking if anyone wanted to tell a joke.  The guy next to me who I had become friendly with over the previous hour nudged me and whispered “this is your chance!”.  I said “no thanks, not quite the ideal set up”.  Then a few people did volunteer to go up and tell jokes.  They were all “street jokes”.  If you’re unfamiliar with the term it just means that the person telling the joke didn’t actually write the joke.

I just kept waiting for someone to walk up in front of everyone and start their joke “OK!  SO A JEW A BLACK AND A LAWYER WALK INTO A BAHHH……”   but alas it never happened.

Anyway shortly after that I found out that I didn’t pass the test so I stole the pencil that I used to fill out the scantron sheet and went home.

Later I met up with Ted Pettingell to work on a project.  It’s a super secret webseries about a super secret thing.

Monday Night:

Hosted Sally O’briens Comedy show from 7:30 – 9:30.

Tuesday Daytime:

Not much during the day.  More reading, more attempts at writing jokes, some time spent at the gym.

Tuesday Night:

I was fortunate enough to be closing the show at The Thirsty Ear at M.I.T.  The show was stacked so it was really flattering that I would be the person closing it and doing the longest set.  Thom Crowley hosted the show and he was superb in that role.  Rick Canavan got us off to a great start.  Al Park is always crushing it, Emily Ruskowski continuously surprises me with her comedy.  Jiayong Li is one of my favorites and Tawanda Gona was good as well.

Then I headed over to The Stadium Sports Bar and Grille to pick up the equipment that was used for that comedy show.

Wednesday Daytime:

I spent most of the day preparing my grandfathers house to be painted.

Wednesday Night:

Did a set at The Tavern at the End of the World.

Thursday:

Stuff happened but I just can’t seem to remember it now.  Mostly writing but also some time was spent editing video footage.

Friday Daytime:

I really wanted to try and get a new headshot so Mike O’brien and I took a few pictures of each other and then recorded a podcast with Scott Oddo.

Friday Night:

Did a set at The Comedy Studio.

Saturday and Sunday:  vaca in maine with friends.

If you would like to see Shawn and the rest of the UnScene Comedy writers perform LIVE.

We will be performing at the Zorba Room in Lowell on December 6th.

click below for discounted tix:

UnScene Comedy Show:  Lowell

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Mike picking his nose in front of a pretty fountain.

Mike picking his nose in front of a pretty fountain.

 

 

 

Sep 12

What’s So Funny? A documentary about New England Comics, PART 2 is online!

Hey kids!

Part 2 of What’s So Funny? A documentary about New England stand ups by Tony Capobianco is up! In this episode you’ll hear some epic stories about bombing on stage and some crazy heckler mishaps. Check it!

- Christa

 

 

Interested in seeing more of Tony’s stuff? Check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/TonyCapobiancoComedy

Sep 11

DICK PICKS, Week 2: UnScene’s NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski

karskiDICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS, the only online NFL gambling column that is recognized as an independent state by the North Korean government.

 

north_korea_11Wow guys, I was wrong A LOT last week. I was only one game away from a .500 record, but Jesus the games I got wrong were EXTRA wrong. The only way I could have been more wrong is if I publicly botched a high profile domestic violence case and shamelessly lied to cover my own ass OH WAIT! The gaping red asshole Roger Goodell, even after supposedly owning up to a mistake, managed to shoot off his own dick and balls once again this week!

 

It would be comical how badly he has fucked this investigation up, if it wasn’t so horrifying and transparently evil. Nobody believes that he saw the video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancee for the first time this week, and the alternative, which is that he didn’t even try all that hard to see it, is equally shameful and pathetic.

 

Don’t let anyone tell you that this is a result of anything but arrogance. The NFL is the modern day embodiment of “Too Big to Fail” and since Goodell is supposed to be the face of the league, he assumed the same about himself. Well he has failed, and failed spectacularly, and he has sat there with a smug, shit-eating grin on his face the entire time. He is daring the owners to fire him, because he thinks it’s impossible.

 

The truth is, the owners can find any number of yes men to run this league without constantly face-fucking its image in front of an ever vigilant public. Will they do it? Probably not, because rich old white guys have never given a shit about what anyone who isn’t rich, old, and white thinks. But it’s not impossible. They’re not paying this guy $44 million a year to cum in his own hair in front of the world. They could just as easily pay some other jackass $20 million a year to fuck up 1/3 as bad. Goodell is not untouchable, regardless of what he believes, and if he survives to this years draft I advise everybody in attendance to bring a lot of D batteries and use them at their discretion.

 

Now to the actual games. I’m not going to overreact to last week, as it was pretty strange in general, and I usually give my initial thoughts three weeks to fuck me over entirely before completely flipping my opinion of a team. Oh except for Kansas City. FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK Kansas City. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in caps.

 

Pittsburgh +2.5 vs. BALTIMORE

Well, after all this shit, the Ravens have to play on a short week, and against a division rival. Pittsburgh almost blew a 24 point lead to the Browns and I still like them to win this game outright. This isn’t the type of scandal that galvanizes a team.

This is the type of scandal that leaves everyone wondering “What the fuck even happened here?” and before they know it they’re 1-4 and everyone in their shit-hole city is mad that they missed the Orioles bandwagon while it was still hot.Not at all like that time Ben Roethlisberger maybe definitely raped a woman and then played in the Super Bowl. I would never suggest 9/11 part 2 would be a good thing, but if it happened at this stadium people would still be way more upset about the first one.

 

Detroit +2.5 vs. CAROLINA

Two games up front with prominent woman-beating assholes involved! Calvin Johnson is a goddamned adult and cannot be stopped. Carolina’s defense looked great against Josh McCown because everyone remembered he was Josh McCown, even him. They have nobody to cover Megatron, so unless they can hit Stafford early and often, they will be torched. Is Cam Newton playing in this one? It doesn’t matter because Ndamukong Suh will just hurt him anyway if he is.

 

BUFFALO +1 vs. Miami

GUYS MIAMI BEAT THE PATRIOTS SO THEY’RE THE GOOD TEAM IN THE DIVISION NOW! Well… they certainly looked better than the Patriots on Sunday, but the thing is, the Pats have a lot of trouble winning in Miami, even when they’re very good and Miami is starting Jay Fiedler or Chad Pennington. Miami, likewise, has a lot of trouble winning in Buffalo. Oh also, Buffalo has a pass-rush and is going to actually hit Ryan Tannehill, and Ryan Tannehill doesn’t like that and neither should you if you bet on the Dolphins. Is Buffalo good? Probably not, but this feels like a let down game for the Dolphins because everyone is already acting like they clinched the division on Sunday.

 

WASHINGTON -6 vs. Jacksonville

Oh fucking gross! Who is watching this game? Washington gained a lot of yards on Sunday and scored very few points and for some reason people think this is a good thing. “Hey, we made it almost all the way to the end-zone a lot!” That’s like dry-humping for the first time and figuring you basically lost your virginity so you deserve some high fives.

This team deserves no high fives. Jacksonville on the other hand, allowed 34 straight after taking a 17-0 lead because they are Jacksonville and that’s what they do and that’s what they will always do. Don’t watch this game. Nobody is going to make you.

 

Dallas +3 vs. TENNESSEE

Okay, so, Tony Romo looked like ass on Sunday as Tony Romo is wont to do on occasion. The defense still sucks, although they managed to go an entire half without allowing a touchdown last week! Mostly because San Francisco wasn’t interested in scoring anymore, but they need to take what they can get. Now, I do not believe in Jake Locker. I am not buying it. Not a chance. They won that game because Andy Reid gift-wrapped it and Alex Smith delivered it free in two days with Amazon Prime. Dallas will still suck, but they have to win SOME games this season, and this will be one of them.

 

Arizona -3 vs. NY GIANTS

Oh Jesus what the fuck is wrong with Eli Manning? He throws the ball like it’s haunted now. This team looked like a mess before the season started and they didn’t really give any reason to believe the concern was unwarranted. Arizona, on the other hand, looks like they’re on pace to once again win nine or ten of the most boring games you’ll ever watch. I think Bruce Arians keeps Carson Palmer around to give his defense an added degree of difficulty.

“Sorry boys, if they score 20 WE ARE FUCKED SO LET’S KEEP THEM IN THE TEENS!!!” Larry Fitzgerald is four weeks away from taking hostages.

 

New England -3 vs. MINNESOTA

This game feels like free money, AND THE LINE IS MOVING FURTHER TOWARDS THE VIKINGS. Okay, now, it’s entirely possible New England gives up 400 rushing yards to Adrian Peterson since they could barely hold Knowshon Moreno under 1,000 and loses this game by 24. BUT, it’s hard to believe the Vikings are as good as they played on Sunday or the Patriots are as bad as they were in the second half on Sunday. The truth is more towards the middle, and Tom Brady and Bill Belichick can’t let themselves lose to Matt Cassell. Also I was sweating A LOT when I wrote that paragraph.

 

New Orleans -6.5 vs. CLEVELAND

Goddamnit why do I like all the road teams this week? This is bad news. New Orleans sucks outside but Cleveland sucks mostly everywhere, especially in Cleveland. One of these teams is going to be 0-2 after this week and we all know it’s going to be the Browns. The question is if they will keep it as close as they did against the Steelers and the answer is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO.

 

Atlanta +5 vs. CINCINNATI

Okay, this is getting out of hand, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME BET SO MANY ROAD TEAMS I HATE YOU LAS VEGAS! No but come on, Andy Dalton should not be giving more than a field goal against this team, and we all know it. THIS LINE IS TOO LARGE GODDAMNIT!! I SWEAR IT IS!!! I am going to lose all of my money this weekend.

 

St. Louis +6 vs. TAMPA BAY

OH COME ON!!!!!

 

Seattle -6 vs.SAN DIEGO

THIS ISN’T FUNNY YOU GUYS!!!!

 

Houston -3 vs. OAKLAND

NOW YOU’RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME!!!

 

GREEN BAY -8 vs. NY Jets

THANK GOD!!!! The Jets offense struggled, even though their defense looked pretty strong. It won’t look so strong against Aaron Rogers, who will also be looking to avoid going 0-2. I can’t imagine this trip to Green Bay going well for Geno Smith. It will be fun to watch the contrasting coaching styles in this game. Mike McCarthy looks like a guy who took a wrong turn trying to find the hot dog line and ended up on the sideline and is trying to act inconspicuous so he isn’t found out. Rex Ryan on the other hand wants everyone to know he is COACHING and he is UPSET and he DIDN’T LIKE THAT CALL. I’m already excited to watch something else.

 

DENVER -12.5 vs. Kansas City

Let me speak for everyone who bet on Kansas City or owned Jamaal Charles in a fantasy league this week: FUCK YOU SO SO SO HARD ANDY REID. GET FUCKED WITH A GODDAMNED FENCEPOST YOU INCOMPETENT SHIT-HEAD. YOU HAVE THE BEST FUCKING RUNNING BACK IN FOOTBALL AND YOU PUT THE GAME IN ALEX SMITH’S BABY HANDS?! WITH YOUR BEST WIDE RECEIVER MISSING THE GAME DUE TO SUSPENSION?!!! GAAAHHHHHRRRGGGGGHHHHH FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YOOOUUUUUUUU.

Denver will smoke this team and then Andy Reid will smoke a turkey by hiding it under his shirt and walking on a treadmill because he is a fat fuck.

 

Chicago +7 vs. SAN FRANCISCO

Good, great, another road team, wonderful. I think Chicago is destined to lose a lot of close games this season. Just a gut feeling because Jay Cutler is their quarterback and he continues to do great things followed by awful things on an endless cycle of infuriating football. He is like Tony Romo if Tony Romo was also a terrible person.

 

INDIANAPOLIS -3 vs. Philadelphia

The prospect of watching Chip Kelly’s offense on turf in a dome is enough to get me to watch an entire Monday Night Football game. Indy almost pulled off a comeback in a tough game at Denver, so this team has GRIT. That Andrew Luck is a BALLPLAYER. John Gruden is going to SUCK his DICK. Take the over in this one because there will be a lot of points I’m assuming but I don’t really know shit so fuck it I guess. I do like Indy to cover, but I feel like this could be an actual exciting Monday Night Football game which never really happens anymore so just enjoy it while you can and watch the damn game on mute so you don’t have to listen to Gruden’s slurping sounds.

 

LAST WEEK: 7-9 * garbage truck backing up *

SEASON: 7-9

Sep 09

Stuff We Like: An Interview with comedian Ken Reid of the TV Guidance Counselor Podcast

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Stuff We Like: An Interview with comedian Ken Reid of the TV Guidance Counselor Podcast

by Christa Weiss

 

 

 

 

Nostalgia, hilarity, and a little bit of OCD. When mashed together what you get is a masterpiece, and that masterpiece is Ken Reid’s TV Guidance Counselor Podcast. Reid, a prominent Boston standup comic, started the podcast just a few months ago, and already the show as acclaimed critical success, has had a bevy of famous (and ex famous) guests, and has had write ups in publications like USA Today.

 

Recently, I got a chance to do his podcast myself with my lovely and talented man-friend, Ted. When he’s not doing the podcast on the road, Ken invites his guests into his home, which can best be describe as a fun house of nostalgia and place I would probably live if I had unlimited access to flea markets and vintage furniture. We choose a TV Guide (ours was from 1997 with a photo of Xena on the cover), combed through a weeks worth of prime time TV with SAT-like precision and sat down with Ken to go through our answers. It was a great way to remember where you were at the time, which for me was being extremely awkward and convincing myself I was  in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. What I’m saying is we all make mistakes.

 

After a delightfully embarrassing (delighfulbarassing?) trip down memory lane and the realization that I haven’t really grown up at all, I decided to ask Ken a few questions to find out just what makes the TV Guidance Counselor podcast so unique.

 

Why did you start collecting all those TVs guides? How many do you actually have?

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Fun Fact: I designed Ken’s logo, because nepotism

Ever since I could remember, I read TV Guide. Every week. My parents’ friends would call us when I was 2-3 years old and ask them to ask me what was on. I hung on to a lot of issues from when I was a kid, but the bulk of the current collection comes from two libraries, one in Maine and one in Nebraska. In the late 90s they were dumping all their physical periodicals, so I gave them a home.

 

I’ve never actually counted how many TV Guides I have. The thing about TV Guide is that there’s a lot of regional variation. So I may have multiple copies of some issues, but from different regions of the US. If I had to guess though, I’d say roughly, I have around 1,500 issues of TV Guide and about 1,400 emotional issues.

 

What gave you the idea to use the TV Guides in conjunction with a podcast?

Sean Sullivan. People for years had been telling me I should do a podcast, but I never had a good idea for one. Weirdly, I don’t address pop culture stuff on stage very often, even though it occupies a lot of my brain. I actually would just flip through old TV guides for my own amusement or sometimes if a friend came over we’d basically do what the podcast is, but a little more informally. Sean just said to me out of the blue one day that I should do a podcast where someone picks what they would watch from a week of TV from one of my TV Guides and I thought it was a great idea and so I ran with it.

 

You’ve had some amazing comedians and some fantastic TV stars from days past on your show. Who was your favorite guest and why?

tumblr_static_ken_final1That’s a tough one. They all kind of amaze me. Getting to talk to people I watched growing up, getting to ask questions I wondered when I was watching shows they were on, it’s like I won a contest.

 

I really love the JoAnn Willette episode. Her story going from Maine to Hollywood was fascinating, and as a fellow New Englander that stuff amazes me. Plus, obviously I’m the self declared world’s biggest Just the Ten of Us fan, and on top of that she’s incredibly funny and fascinating.

 

But there are so many of my guests I could say that about, Melanie Chartoff, Larraine Newman, Danny Tamberelli, I could go on and on. I’m just constantly amazed I get to speak with these people.

 

I actually also just like some of the episodes with my friends. People’s stories fascinate me and when you strip back everyone’s life experience, if you go back far enough, we all watched TV as kids.

 

Are you surprised with how quickly the podcast took off? Has the media attention changed the way you approach the podcast?

Yes, more than anyone. People really respond to the format. I’m honestly just doing it for me. I like doing it and I like listening to what people have to say. The fact that anyone at all listens is amazing. I get a lot of emails and tweets and downloads from all over the world.

 

I don’t really change anything due to media attention. I do try and address people’s requests or complaints and try to mix the show up to keep it interesting. So I’ll alternate format breaking episodes with strict format episodes, 80s focuses episodes with 90s focused episodes, etc.

 

You’re a well known pop culture junkie, what fuels your love of pop culture nostalgia?

It was my escape as a kid. It’s just as important to me as family is to most people. It gave me something to look forward to and discover. It gave me experiences I never would have been able to experience first hand. I’m also fascinated by looking back at popular culture and seeing how it was effected by, and how it effected, the world and time in which it was created.

 

What’s your favorite “A very special episode of _____” ?

download

Fun fact: Sleestacks are not only the weird green guys from Land of the Lost, it is also a delightful strain of marijuana.

That’s a tough one. Because you can enjoy them on two levels. There are some truly moving, respectful, well done, very special episodes, like the AIDS episode of Designing Women. Then there are the ones which are shockingly hilarious for how amazingly off base, creepy and misguided they are like the AIDS episode of Mr. Belvidere.

 

It’s especially interesting to see how different episodes confront the same issue. Say “All in the Family” dealing with rape vs. Monroe’s rape at the hands of female impersonators, played for laughs, on “Too Close for Comfort”.

 

The one that is burned into my brain is an episode from season 4 of Growing Pains called “Second Chance” where Carol’s Boyfriend Sandy (played by Mathew Perry) dies due to injuries sustained while he was drunk driving. There’s an amusing melodrama to it for sure, to the point where I can recite Carol’s monologue word for word, but it’s a pretty shocking and well done episode. It pulls the rug out from under you.

 

Carol is visiting him in the hospital, he’s banged up, but alive. They discuss how it was wrong to drunk drive, and you think that’s it. By the time she gets home from the hospital Sandy’s has died from internal bleeding. The shock of that, and the grey area of a main character being in the wrong was interesting to me as a kid.

 

You’ve mentioned that your podcast has been much more fulfilling than your stand-up career. Why is that?

Some of it might just be that I’m 10+ years in, and most of my peers have quit, or moved, but part of it is that Boston is in a real lull creatively. There just aren’t a lot of shows that set me on fire or get my creative juices flowing. I get bored of my material. I’d much rather have actual conversations with people than have one sided conversations with audiences. I like the interaction, I like the chess game, I like interviewing people.

 

Aside from that I find it really satisfying to have an actual product. It’s not just said and in the ether, it exists. It’s almost a tangible thing. It’s a (semi) permanent record. I also really enjoy the scope of it. I get listeners in Europe, Japan, South America, Australia and all over the US. I don’t get that kind of reach with my stand up.

 

Also nobody is listening to the podcast by mistake. They all purposely found it and listened and came back again the next week. With stand up, although some people may be there to see me specifically, they are mostly just there to see “comedy” so even when I win them over, it’s not the same kind of connection.

 

Who would win in a fight….?

The brain slugs from Night of the Creeps vs Freddy Kruger?
Apples and oranges, Freddy exists on a metaphysical plane. For the brain slugs to have fought him it would have have to have been PRE Death Freddy, when he was just a child molester with finger knives. So the win goes to the brain slugs.

 

Vincent Price vs Rod Serling?
Vincent Price, he was bigger physically, and could cook.

 

Little Pete vs Clarissa?
Clarissa, because she has the advantage of being a girl up against a hormonal tween and could use her feminine wilds.

 

The Dad’s from My Two Dads (Paul Reiser & Greg Evigan) vs. The Strangers in Perfect Strangers (Bronson Pincho & Mark Linn-Baker)?
Two Dads, they just make a more well rounded gay couple.

 

 

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Catch the TV Guidance Counselor Podcast here: http://tvguidancecounselor.tumblr.com/

 

In NYC? Ken will be doing an awesome LIVE podcast as part of New York Super Week with the incomparable Amy Sedaris! Sunday October 5th at 7pm at the Brooklyn Brewery. Get your tix here: http://www.showclix.com/event/3854106

 

In Boston? Catch Ken at his show the Secret Menu at the Comedy Studio the first Thursday of every month. 8pm. Get tix here: http://www.eventbrite.com/o/the-comedy-studio

Sep 06

Working Comic: Day One, by Shawn Carter

Shawn Carter

Working Comic: Day One

by Shawn Carter

 

 

 

 

Hi.  Welcome to my blog.  Working Comic.  As many of you know I recently quit my job in auto body repair to pursue a career in entertainment.

 

The title “working comic” is a phrase often used in the comedy world to describe a comedian that makes money when they do comedy as opposed to an “open miker*”.  I use it instead to emphasize that as a comedian you have to be putting in work during the day.  There is a lot more that goes into comedy than just going on stage and reciting a few jokes that you’ve scribbled on a napkin while sitting at the bar.

 

So here I am.  Day one.   What have I done so far?  I bought a cork board to keep my ideas and jokes organized and easily viewed while working things out.  I copied all of my scheduled shows from my phone onto an actual calendar so that if I lose my phone or something I have a physical copy of my schedule still.

 

I have not written one joke.

I am torn between “yeah but it’s Saturday, you should start work on Monday” and “WRITE SOME F#%@ING JOKES THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE NOW YOU NEED TO MAKE MONEY YOU NEED TO BE A BETTER COMEDIAN AND MAKING MORE MONEY WRITE SOME GOD DAMNED JOKES.”

 

Alright let’s do that now.  Google: weird news.

Doctors were performing surgery on a great dane in northwest portland when they found 43 socks inside of the dog.  After removing the last one the doctor continued to search for one more to make it an even 44.  After a couple of minutes he gave up and just said “wouldn’t ya know it”

 

A woman in Arkansas was arrested for allegedly shoplifting $144 of eye makeup.  The CIA is continuing it’s investigation of juggalos as a criminal network.

 

There’s a popular video on the web right now of a ram sheep headbutting and destroying a drone aircraft right out of the air.  Al qaeda realized a new strategy, Obama ordered more Ram killing missiles and I’ve started eating lamb.

 

Ok.  Now that I’m done writing jokes for this blog.  I guess I’ll head out to a show somewhere.

 

A list of all the jokes I've written today.

A list of all the jokes I’ve written today.

If you’d like to come to a show.  I’ll be at Sally O’briens hosting the show every Monday. 

And also:

Sept 9:  MIT, Thirsty Ear.

Sept 12: The Comedy Studio

Sept 18-20: Laugh Boston

Sept 22:  Laugh Boston (audition for Last Comic Standing)  http://laughboston.com/event/talent-showcase-for-last-comic-standing-9-2/

 

 

*open miker isn’t a phrase that I like to use.  The amount of money you get paid to perform comedy does not necesarilly have anything to do with how funny you are or how seriously you take it.

 

 

Sep 05

DICK PICKS, Week 1: UnScene’s NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski

karski

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

Welcome to this year’s first edition of DICK PICKS!: the weekly online gambling column that leaks more than just nudes (sex juices.)

 

Well well well, since I last sat down to write about what a miserable infected meatus of a commissioner the NFL has, it seems that his wife/mistress had stopped sleeping with him long enough for him to rethink his stance on domestic violence. And bravo, the penalties are finally severe enough so as to not be completely laughable. It only took the collective rage of everyone outside the 410 area code to make him realize what a giant fuck up he had made, and this was even after he came out and assured everyone that he had not, in fact, fucked up. Let’s not give him any awards for doing the right thing after everybody screamed at him to do it for several weeks. I don’t give my dog a treat every time he doesn’t piss all over the floor.

 

Well enough about that rusty pubed clown. THE NFL SEASON IS OFFICIALLY HERE! Bookies everywhere are rejoicing as they finally get to talk to someone other than the four absolute degenerates who bet Major League Baseball. A lot has happened in the offseason/preseason. Revis Island (gross) is in New England, Demarcus Ware is in Denver, everyone got suspended, some old billionaires died, people gave Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, and Alex Smith literally a quarter of a billion dollars, Jerry Jones said more players should be warriors or criminals or war criminals, and there was a gay guy for a little while (neat!)

 

But things change every offseason, and the only constant in the NFL is that the new season will provide at least two horrible teams a playoff spot, and send two good to decent teams crashing down to the top 10 of the draft. Who will it be this year?! Probably at least one of those teams that gave all that money the three dopey fucking quarterbacks listed above. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in CAPS.

 

Green Bay +6 vs. SEATTLE 

Yes, I know, Seattle is loud, and they win all of their home games by a thousand points, but I feel like this is too many points to be giving Aaron Rodgers in prime time. Usually my Thursday strategy is to pick the better defense because of the short week and history of sloppy quarterback play, but the openers usually seem to buck this trend. This game could come down to who can keep their quarterback upright (spoiler alert: NEITHER OF THEM!) and since I don’t trust Seattle’s offense to be fully in sync, I’ll happily grab the points until I watch Aaron Rodgers get concussed on the first drive and try frantically to give them back.

 

New Orleans -3 vs. ATLANTA

I actually like Atlanta to improve this year, but this game is inside and you’re not beating the Saints inside this early in the season. Maybe in like nine weeks when Drew Brees gets bored and Rob Ryan is hungover from celebrating Halloween (every year he goes dressed as Captain Lou Albano) but not in week one. Plus nobody in Atlanta is going to go to a Falcons game until the Bulldogs embarrass themselves on the national stage and are eliminated from playoff contention. I’m not sure that anyone in Georgia even realizes the NFL is back. (THE NFL IS BACK, YOU GUYS!!!)

 

Minnesota +4 vs. ST. LOUIS

YEEEEESH. RIP Matt Cassell, murdered by Robert Quinn, which sounds like it came out of some kind of pirate book. This is a shitty matchup and it’s week one so again I’ll take the points, especially since nobody really knows what the fuck either of these offenses is going to do, and four may be the actual point total for the entire game. “BUT RICH ADRIAN PETERSON IS IN THIS GAME!!” And Norv Turner is calling his plays. Norv Turner is the football equivalent of condoms in a porno.

 

PITTSBURGH -6.5 vs Cleveland

OH BOY IT’S AFC NORTH FOOTBALL! WHERE DEFENSES ARE DEFENSIVE!! RUNNING BACKS RUN!!! AND ALL OF THE HOME CITIES REPRESENT THE DEATH KNELL OF THE AMERICAN DREAM!!!! The only thing I will predict about this game is that Cleveland will lose by seven although it will never feel that close, and Johnny Manziel will take his dick out and put a tiny hat on it.

 

PHILADELPHIA -10 vs Jacksonville

I will fully admit that I have FAITH in Blake Bortles. Good thing the Jaguars aren’t starting him! They’re going with Chad Henne who as we discussed previously is the NFL quarterback version of Dave Navarro. Nobody wants him, but since he looks the part and hangs around, he gets to keep being in bands. But your band NEVER wants to resort to Dave Navarro, even if he can occasionally pass the eye test as a rock star. Everyone knows that Dave Navarro sucks and is eventually going to fall apart and get fired. Once you resort to Dave Navarro you are fucked.

 

Oakland +5.5 vs. NY JETS

Okay, Oakland is one of the teams the Jets actually beat pretty handily last year, but what I’m PRESUPPOSING here, is fuck the Jets. I am not taking Geno Smith to cover more than a field goal in week one because I am not mentally ill (I am mentally ill, just not stupid.) Plus maybe Derek Carr is good? Did anyone ever think of THAT?! No? Okay fine. But the Jets’ best cornerback is Kyle Wilson and if you don’t know anything about Kyle Wilson know that he was their third best cornerback like two weeks ago and their cornerbacks were already ass. So there you go.

 

BALTIMORE -1.5 vs Cincinnati

God what the fuck is it about this division that makes even TALKING about them a tedious fucking chore? OH MY GOD GUYS WHO IS MORE ELITE JOE FLACCO OR ANDY DAL- * gunshot * Enough of that. I want this game to take place in the vacuum of space so that everyone involved would suffocate. It’s in Baltimore so the mortality rate will probably still be pretty high, but nowhere near ideal.

 

CHICAGO -7 vs. Buffalo

Kyle Orton returns to Chicago! He’s going to get sooooooo drunk you guys. So drunk. Rock and Roll. His team? Ehhhh nope. After this preseason I have begin to suspect that EJ Manuel might be a mannequin. Sammy Watkins looks like a beast when he actually gets to be on the field with the football but Bills fans need to be fucking terrified that they just gave up their 2015 first rounder for Percy Harvin 2.0. Good times in Buffalo! Chicago’s defense is trash but the Bills are fucking hopeless. 31-17 feels right on this one.

 

HOUSTON -3 vs Washington

Bobby Griffiths Jr.’s knee ligaments never even got a chance!!!! All the Washington fans wanted Kirk Cousins to start, so hopefully they enjoy his two series before Watt and Clowney end his season as well. Then it’s time to dig out Patrick Ramsey’s number.

 

KANSAS CITY -3.5 vs Tennessee

Well I am down on both of these teams this year and Alex Smith just got paid for some reason so it would make sense for him to immediately start shitting all over himself and his team, but let’s not forget that the Titans have maybe two talented guys on their roster and one of them is playing woefully out of position. Also Jake Locker! The man is made of lies told by junkies and will fall apart under even a stern look in the eye.

 

New England -4.5 vs MIAMI

Alright, I try to be more objective when looking at Patriots games because my bias is strong. The Pats have looked shitty in Miami in the past, especially when the humidity is bad, but that actually may work against the Dolphins this time out. The Pats showed in the preseason that they have depth. Not necessarily QUALITY depth, but enough bodies that won’t fuck up that they can handle the conditions.

Basically everyone in Miami’s second string is poison and they will play this game with the intention of never having to touch the poison but eventually they will have to suck it up and swallow some poison and then they will be sad.

 

TAMPA BAY -2 vs Carolina

Well, the only thing I like about this Panther’s team is Cam Newton and the linebackers, and since Cam is already broken and Tampa will mostly be going to the outside with Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans, this could be a long day for Carolina. This will be one of those nice wins that gets everyone on Lovie Smith’s side until he tries to use all of his timeouts at the same time to challenge an interception by his own team. Get ready for a whole week of the Lovie Smith bandwagon!

 

San Francisco -4.5 vs DALLAS

Easy math here. A touchdown is worth six points. Six points is more than 4.5 points. San Francisco’s defense will stop the Cowboy’s offense oh we’ll say at least twice. Dallas’ defense will not stop anybody, ever, not even by accident. So San Francisco will end up with at least six more points than Dallas. Tony Romo is going to throw 40 touchdowns and 40 interceptions on a 6-10 team and I personally could not be happier.

 

DENVER -7.5 vs Indianapolis

The Triangle Shitwaist fire of 1911 & American football are almost indistinguishable from one another.

The Triangle Shitwaist Fire of 1911 & Luck’s offensive line are virtually indistinguishable from one another.

Okay so the Colts beat the Broncos last year in a pretty exciting game, but don’t expect the same here. The Colts will win 10 or 11 games because the AFC is where football goes to die, but they are not to be confused with a good football team. Basically, you have two 10-6 teams with the Colts and Bengals, but if you swapped Andy Dalton and Andrew Luck, you’ve got one 13-3 team and one team that should be put to sleep. Guess which one should be put to sleep? If Luck wasn’t somehow indestructible his Triangleshirt Waist Fire of an offensive line would have gotten him killed long ago.

Instead he will scramble around for three yard gains and throw a lot of ill-advised interceptions. This game is going to end up like 48-20 and everyone will talk about how DOMINANT and UNSTOPPABLE the Broncos are because they need to start hyping their eventual matchup with the Patriots NOW.

The Colts will be cheered for their effort and the story will be “Andrew Luck just got a lesson from the best!” when in actuality shit-head owner Jim Irsay should have gotten a lesson in building a decent fucking team (But he won’t! He’s suspended! For SIX GAMES!!! GINGER JUSTICE!!!) * does the jerk-off motion for so long that I win an award that didn’t even exist when I first started doing it *

 

DETROIT -6 vs NY Giants

ALRIGHT LIONS IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR WHERE YOUR SHITTY LACK OF DISCIPLINE COSTS ME MONEY!!!! I don’t know how the fuck they shoehorned this into the Monday night slot on opening weekend. Usually this is a game with some element of newness or excitement to it, but there is nothing new and exciting about these teams. Sure, Detroit has a new coach but his idea of excitement is using your outdoor voice inside. Eli Manning has a new offense that will allow him to, I don’t know, ride a bicycle on the field? At least give the poor guy a little joy before the fans drag him outside and shoot him.

I guess it must be against the law for the NFC East to be left out of primetime on opening weekend, so we get the fucking Giants vs the fucking Lions. Yay.

 

San Diego +3 vs ARIZONA

Nope. Not staying up until 2AM for this. Not a fucking chance. I mean, maybe if it’s the last game in a parlay or something. But PROBABLY not a fucking chance.

 

 

LAST SEASON TOTAL: 113-112-11 * dripping faucet *

 

PLAYOFF TOTAL: 7-3-1 *sound of MY DICK hitting the floor*

 

 

 

Image was pulled from a Bing image search of “Triangle Shirtwaist Fire”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

 

 

Sep 04

Season Preview Edition of DICK PICKS: Part 2 by Rich Karski


karski

 

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

Welcome to part two of the DICK PICKS NFL Season preview! The only online football gambling season preview that abuses more prescription amphetamines than the Seahawks secondary.

 

Before we begin, I just wanted to remind everyone that Roger Goodell is a gaping red asshole. Josh Gordon was suspended for an entire season for his third failed drug test, and Goodell is going to spin it as “Durr my hands were tied by the CBA” when really everyone knows that he just quantified literally knocking a woman unconscious as 1/8th as bad as regularly smoking marijuana in the NFL’s eyes. There is literally nowhere else in the world that isn’t under Sharia Law where this is considered true. The fact of the matter is that Goodell wouldn’t GAIN anything by suspending Ray Rice for a full season, whereas by coming down like a Nazi on recreational drugs, he has something to hold over the heads of any player who likes to occasionally get high.

 

Ralph-Wilson-Stadium-Buffalo-Bills“You want us to relax our stance on pot? YOU GOTTA GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE SHIELD! 18 game season for minimum wage motherfuckers!” He’ll say he’s doing it in the best interest of the players to deter harmful behavior, because the best way to get players to stop doing drugs is to give them AN ENTIRE YEAR’S WORTH OF FREE TIME. This man is fucking clownshoes. He is a deplorable excuse for a human being and I hope a colony of fire ants crawls into his asshole and eats him alive from the inside out.

 

ANNNYYYYWAY, back to the NFL preview, because thinking about this stuff any further is going to give me an aneurysm. In part two we’re looking at the AFC, which looks like a two-horse race at the moment, but this is the NFL so somebody shitty and annoying like the Ravens or Steelers could always come along and ruin it for everybody. ON TO THE PICKS!

 

BALTIMORE UNDER 8.5 WINS

Fuck Ray Rice and fuck the stupid fans who gave him a standing ovation. “HE’S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!” Yes a millionaire punches a woman in the face and has to take a two week vacation and all these shit-head mouthbreathers in Baltimore making minimum wage treat him like a goddamned hero. Ravens fans wonder why everybody hates them because they’re the least self-aware fanbase in all of sports. They are trash that has been muckraked up from the bottom of Chesapeake Bay. I would like to see this team lose every game so their mutant swamp-people fans can blame the NFL and the NSA and the WWE and everyone except their shitty uni-browed quarterback. Fuck John Harbaugh too.

 

BUFFALO UNDER 6.5 WINS

Buffalo’s defense is actually pretty solid, but I think EJ Manuel may in fact be as terrible as everyone feared when the world was legitimately shocked that he was drafted in the first round. They have a cavalcade of fragile running backs, and Sammy Watkins will probably make a few dynamic plays before Manuel sends him to the hospital by floating him a pass in traffic. Also Bon Jovi wants to buy this team and move them to Toronto because it’s still officially 1993 in Canada and that’s the last time Bon Jovi and the Buffalo Bills were both relevant. Get ready for a lot of 16-13 losses, Bills fans.

 

CINCINNATI OVER 9 WINS

Congratulations Cincinnati on making the Jay Cutler contract look almost reasonable. Andy Dalton is now the quarterback of the future for the Bengals, which is great if you liked watching Dave Krieg but wished he had less personality. Andy Dalton’s favorite athlete is Jesus, his favorite music is Jesus, his favorite television show is Jesus, and his favorite food is interceptions. This team will probably win ten games, but that’s despite Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis, not because of them. They lost BOTH coordinators to head coaching jobs elsewhere, so regression is a distinct possibility, but I hate this division and don’t even want to spend more time thinking about it.

 

CLEVELAND UNDER 6.5 WINS

AWW FUCK ALREADY?  Look, it’s Cleveland. They’re going 4-12. Mike Pettine was a high school coach who bugged Rex Ryan to give him a job like three years ago. Between doing coke in Vegas bathrooms and kissing Drake, Johnny Manziel doesn’t have time to learn a playbook more complicated than “run around and heave it to Mike Evans.” Josh Gordon is suspended forever because he likes smoking weed. This team is going 4-12. Don’t try to look for an upside, don’t try to spin their offseason additions as anything other than aging retreads. Just accept that this team is going 4-12 and move on.

 

DENVER OVER 11.5 WINS

I mean, sure, Wes Welker is already dead, and there’s always a chance that Peyton could also be murdered by a drifter or poisoned by a jealous Papa John because he’s spending too much time doing commercials for other annoying things, but those are only minor possibilities. More than likely, Manning is just going to throw another hundred or so touchdown passes because defensive backs aren’t allowed to cover receivers anymore because Peyton’s receivers weren’t open in the Super Bowl so he cried about it AGAIN and the NFL is cracking down on defensive contact AGAIN so Archie Manning will finally stop emailing them.

Seriously, if Peyton complained about the color of the sky that abominable shit-heel of a commissioner would tell the refs to throw penalty flags at God himself. I’m surprised they don’t just give the flags to the quarterbacks now and let them throw them as they see fit.

 

HOUSTON OVER 7.5 WINS

Okay so this team is starting Ryan Fitzpatrick and even Harvard wasn’t thrilled about that back in 2002 or whenever the fuck he was there, but Bill O’Brien tends to get more out of his offense than expected so I wouldn’t say they will be atrocious, just very, very bad. The defense is what I think will get this team to .500, as they have JJ Watt and JaDaveon Clowney lining up to destroy everything in their path and lay waste to the Chad Hennes and Jake Lockers of the world. This is a Houston team with a lot of defensive talent and really nothing to lose since you have to figure the offense will be dogshit. They’re going to hurt some people and probably ruin the playoff hopes of at least two teams along the way and JJ Watt will be incredibly happy about that because JJ Watt is a hemorrhoid.

 

INDIANAPOLIS OVER 9.5 WINS

You can pretty much pencil this team in for 11-5 until everyone else in their division gets their shit together, and also for an early round playoff loss for as long as Manning and Brady remain relevant. I’m pretty sure Andrew Luck is some annoying 12 year old nerd who stumbled across the Zoltar machine from Big and wished that he could be an NFL quarterback. He carries himself like he just touched a boob for the first time and HOLY CRAP IT WAS AWESOME YOU GUYS!!!

Also it’s been two years and nobody really cares that Chuck Pagano had cancer anymore so I guess that’s the shelf-life for sympathy on something like that. If you really want people to care, then you’ll get some more cancer CHUCKSTRONG! I used to really hate this team, but now they’re just kind of there, and most of their more detestable fans have turned into Broncos fans anyway, so congratulations Indianapolis! You have earned my ambivalence.

 

JACKSONVILLE UNDER 5 WINS

This team signed Toby Gerhardt to be their starting running back because nobody else in the world would ever want to move to this godforsaken city. I actually think Blake Bortles might be pretty good, but we’ll never know since this team is so boring and irrelevant that I’m not even sure if Blake Bortles is a real person. He certainly SOUNDS made up. They also probably won’t play him much because Chad Henne is still here defending his title as “the best quarterback that your team could possibly start that would still cause you to immediately give up on the season.” It’s a long title, but an accurate one.

For some reason, as a player, Chad Henne seems much better than Alex Smith. But as a CONCEPT he seems so much worse. You can trick yourself into thinking your team can win with Alex Smith, but when you’re starting Chad Henne you already know you’re fucked.

 

KANSAS CITY UNDER 8.5 WINS

Speak of the devil! Somehow Alex Smith has convinced himself he is worth Jay Cutler money, and I guess if you’re going to give Jay Cutler Jay Cutler money why not give it to Alex Smith too? They’re coming off one of history’s more embarrassing playoff losses, although they can’t really be blamed since it looked like a sniper was picking off their best players from the upper deck all game. I do think last year was a fluke, as their schedule isn’t as favorable and the defense isn’t as strong, plus Andy Reid is good for losing at least two games on his own with hideous play calling and clock management. If you even bring a stopwatch near Andy Reid he swats it away like a bee.

This is a very mediocre team whose best players will all be injured by Thanksgiving which is great because I spent far too much money on Jamal Charles in my fantasy auction draft. Fuck.

 

MIAMI UNDER 8 WINS

“Is Ryan Tannehill elite?” is going to be the new “Is Joe Flacco elite?” and let’s just get it out of the way right now that the answer to both is no. Ryan Tannehill cannot complete passes downfield, so they brought in Mike Wallace which is like giving your shithead kid who crashed his 1988 Volvo a brand new Ferrari because SURELY A MORE EXPENSIVE CAR WILL HELP HIM DRIVE BETTER!

A lot of people like the Dolphins to improve and make a playoff push, but why exactly? They didn’t get better. They didn’t TRY to get better. Other than just having different shitty guys on their O-line, they stayed the same and are hoping that continuity and magic guide them to the playoffs I guess. Well, since most of their team seems to be getting injured or suspended, and Ryan Tannehill will once again spend most of the season picking turf out of his facemask, I am saying this team falls well below .500.

 

NEW ENGLAND OVER 10.5 WINS

HOMER PICK! HOMER PICK! But really look at this schedule and explain to me a scenario where this team loses six games that doesn’t involve a plane crash. New England’s defense MAY ACTUALLY BE GOOD THIS YEAR BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK FINALLY DECIDED THAT HAVING GOOD DEFENSIVE PLAYERS IS IMPORTANT!!! We are living in exciting times up here in New England! Unfortunately, the offense is once again built around Gronk and Shane Vereen’s ability to stay healthy and that’s like building a hospital in Palestine in the shape of a giant swastika and just crossing your fingers that nobody shoots a rocket at it.

The other receivers are not so reliable, and I imagine Brady will throw at least three picks that bounce directly off the back of their heads after they run the wrong route. BUT GUYS THE DEFENSE!!! This team is set up pretty well for the two-seed, and barring anything outrageous happening they should be able to get it. *watches Revis go down with a knee injuy in a 10-6 loss to the Jets, weeps openly*

 

NY JETS UNDER 7 WINS

This team won eight games last year! How the FUCK did this team win eight games last year? Geno Smith looked pretty great in two wins over the Pats and the Falcons, but the Pats and Falcons also had defenses consisting entirely of scarecrows and jack-o-lanterns last year so those games are less impressive in retrospect. In most other games he looked horrific. But they have Eric Decker now! Drew Bennett 2.0 parlayed a big season with one of the greatest quarterbacks and receiving corps in history into a big contract to be the only option for Geno Smith. Let me know how that goes because I refuse to watch this team unless they’re playing the Pats.

Chris Johnson is also here to make Trent Richardson look explosive by comparison. Aside from an absolutely savage defensive line, there is no talent on this team. I think half of their wins last year came because the other team slept in and forgot to show up.

 

OAKLAND OVER 4.5 WINS

It’s the Matt Schaub comeback tour! Pick sixes for everybody! A lot of people view the Raiders as the worst team in the NFL, and being in a very tough division with very little talent makes this an easy conclusion to come to. I, ever the contrarian, disagree. Sure, they’re bad, but the worst? The team everyone always assumes is the worst rarely ends up being the worst. Shit Jacksonville was the consensus worst team in football last year and they finished ahead of two of the previous year’s division winners.

I think Oakland can win five or six games just by virtue of everyone saying “Ehhh it’s just the Raiders” when they see them on the schedule and assuming they have a week off. This sucks for the Raiders, because they could sure use that number one pick in the draft that they would almost certainly fuck up anyway. “With the first pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, the San Antonio Raiders select: THIS INANIMATE CARBON ROD!”

 

PITTSBURGH UNDER 8.5 WINS

GUHHHHHHHH JUST FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY. I predict at some point Ben Roethlisberger and Todd Haley get into a shouting match that ends in some half-assed shoving and both of them being too scared to throw a punch. If not this team is so fucking boring they make baseball watchable by comparison. At least their two running backs are idiots and got arrested for smoking pot a couple hours before a team charter flight. Stuff this team in a sack and drown them in all three rivers.

 

SAN DIEGO OVER 8 WINS

SPEAKING OF RIVERS!!! Philip Rivers had his seventh kid this offseason because he loathes women’s reproductive rights and is trying to sire enough children to vote them into oblivion. The offense is kind of good though! They’re a Peyton Manning injury away from running away with the AFC West, and they even won a playoff game last year! This is certainly a team on the grow, even if nobody wants to sit in their shitty stadium and none of their home games will be televised locally.

It’s going to be fun to hate the Chargers again because after all those years of AJ Smith and Norv Turner I started to feel bad for them. NOT ANYMORE! Now it’s back to hoping that Philip Rivers tries to run a QB sneak and while diving forward his mouth touches another man’s genitals so he runs to the sidelines to rinse with bleach to get the gay out but accidentally swallows it and dies. Good times.

 

TENNESSEE UNDER 7 WINS

This is my favorite bet of the year, and the Titans are my pick to be the NFL’s worst team this season, because I look at their roster and what the honest to goodness fuck? 50 Cent is more likely to finish a NY Times crossword puzzle than Jake Locker is to finish an NFL season, and THEY KNOW THIS, but they still bring in Charlie Whitehurst as the backup quarterback. Has anyone ever seen Charlie Whitehurst throw a football? Are we certain he even knows what a football looks like? *googles Charlie Whitehurst stats* HOLY SHIT HE HAS THROWN 32 CAREER PASSES FOR 64 YARDS!!!

A Shonn Greene rush averages more yards than a pass by the guy who will almost certainly be the starting quarterback by week four, and Shonn Greene is ASS. He’s also their starting running back! Their WRs are Kendall Wright, Justin Hunter, and Nate Washington who sound like they should be good but are definitely not. This offense reads like the most pathetic waiver wire in fantasy football history, but don’t worry, the defense got worse too! Maybe because of their shitty division they can win five games or so, but this team is staring 2-14 right in the face.

 

And there you have it!

Your 2014 DICK PICKS NFL preview! Now go away until next week because I’ll be busy betting on college football.

 

Image was pulled from a Bing image search of “Bills football stadium”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

Sep 02

Season Preview Edition of DICK PICKS: Part1 by Rich Karski


karski

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

Welcome to a special Season Preview Edition of DICK PICKS! The only online gambling column that Floyd Mayweather Jr. can actually read.

 

Guys. Guys. GUYS! The NFL is almost back! I mean, it’s still a few weeks away, but it’s close enough that everybody is already starting to ignore baseball, which is fantastic because baseball sucks.

 

Let me start off this season’s preview by saying that Roger Goodell is a gaping red asshole. He made this apparent yet again by suspending Ray Rice for a comically lenient two games after he literally knocked his fiancée unconscious, then basically wagged his dick at everyone and said he thought the suspension was fair. It has been clear for a while that the NFL doesn’t give a shit about ANY of its fans, let alone women, but the arrogance and ungiveafuckability (sp?) displayed in this instance was staggering. It left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths about the start of this season, and made a lot of people reconsider their allegiance to a league that could not care less about the safety of women. I was one of these people.

 

football_jpg_475x310_q85In the end, I decided that I’m still going to enjoy the NFL this year. I came to this decision in about ten seconds too. It wasn’t even close. Maybe it’s because I’m a hypocrite, and maybe it’s because I’m just a garden variety shit-head, but just because Roger Goodell, Ray Rice, and numerous other people in or associated with the league are despicable doesn’t mean I should have to stop enjoying something I’ve loved since I was a kid. I’m sure people justify watching Woody Allen and Sean Penn movies in the same way. We are all complicit, your heroes are lies, everything sucks, and we are all going to die.

 

BUT YOU GUYS IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR FOOTBALL AGAIN! WOOOOOOOO!!!

 

For this season preview, I am going to go through each team’s over/under win total and pick whether I think they will surpass or fail to meet Vegas’ expectations. Since there are like, a lot of teams in the NFL (even Cincinnati and Jacksonville have one, which is BANANAS) I’m going to break this up into two parts. This week I’ll be looking at the NFC, because since I cheer for an AFC team I don’t even know what the fuck is going on over there. ON TO THE PICKS!

ARIZONA UNDER 7.5 WINS

Arizona won 10 games last year, which seems absolutely ridiculous because they couldn’t have scored more than 40 points total on the season. But it’s true! You can look it up! They even beat Seattle at home when nobody was supposed to beat Seattle at home because it’s very loud there, you see. Arizona got by last year on a quietly excellent defense, so why would I pick them to win at least three fewer games? Well because most of their defense spent the offseason getting suspended or having various body parts turn green and then fall off. Having that stingy D around to make up for Carson Palmer turning the ball over on every other possession was essential. Carson Palmer is still here! Most of the defense is not.

 

ATLANTA OVER 8.5 WINS

I’m predicting a bounce back year for the Falcons, which sucks because I love to root against this team. Their quarterback is a boring Mormon dickbag, their coach would punt on second down if his coordinators hadn’t unplugged his head set, their star wide receiver has feet made of glass, oh and they drafted Prince Shembo this year, who is a rapist in the eyes of everyone not directly employed by Notre Dame. Unfortunately, an improved offensive line and the return of injured players will probably push this team to a very boring nine wins. Just enough to miss the playoffs due to a pass rush that couldn’t get to the quarterback if he lined up in the wrong backfield.

 

CAROLINA UNDER 8.5 WINS

Okay, so I loved the under on this before Cam Newton broke his rib, and that affirmed one of my main reasons for liking it. Carolina’s offensive line is dogshit. They lost their entire right side, and replaced them with scrubs off their own bench. Newton also no longer has anyone of note to throw the ball to, so he was going to be running for his life all season regardless. Now that he’s already injured this line may come off the board entirely, but expect a rough season for the Panthers in a division where every other team improved and they got considerably worse. This is not how you treat a franchise QB, and this along with NASCAR and ACC basketball fans is why Carolina shouldn’t be allowed to have nice things.

 

CHICAGO UNDER 8.5 WINS

It has been almost 30 years since the 1985 Bears gave this city an unwarranted football superiority complex, and for the first time in almost three decades the team has decided that you need an offense capable of scoring points to win football games. Unfortunately, this will also likely be the worst defense the Bears have fielded in 30 years, so be prepared for Chicagoans to hate this team more than any they’ve ever had. Seemingly overnight this team has transformed into the outdoor Detroit Lions, and no amount of Canadian voodoo from Mark Trestman is going to stop them from losing games 38-35. Bears fans are going to pine for those 9-7 victories over mediocre teams, but it’s okay! You just gave Jay Cutler a billion dollars to play nine games a season, so that’s something, right?

 

DALLAS UNDER 8 WINS

Speaking of hideously overmatched defenses… The Dallas Cowboys everybody! This might be the most pathetic defense ever assembled to compete in actual NFL football games. Their starting defense would get torched in the fourth quarter of any preseason game. This is “The Room” of NFL defenses. It will be bad. It will be laughably, comically, enjoyably bad, and everyone will put forth so earnest an effort for such a lost cause that it will be that much more fun to watch this train-wreck unfold. This team plays the Saints in week four and Drew Brees is going to break the damn scoreboard.

 

DETROIT OVER 8.5 WINS

Every year I have faith in the goddamned Detroit Lions and every year they lose me a ton of money. So why break tradition? Can this team win nine games? Sure. Are they going to? Probably not. But if I didn’t pick them to I know they would and then I’d get real mad and probably hurt my foot kicking a door. I’ll probably do that anyway. Fucking Lions.

 

GREEN BAY OVER 10.5 WINS

Somebody needs to win this fucking division, and since Green Bay has the best quarterback and some semblance of a defense I’ll just pick them. It’s odd that this division has turned into one of the premier passing divisions in the NFL, considering the Midwestern tradition of being the Soviet Russia of sports. Everything has always been slow, deliberate, cold, calculated, and technical, in an effort to break your spirit on the off chance that the weather fails to do so. But now? BOMBS AWAY MOTHERFUCKERS IT’S SHOWTIME! DEEP BALLS FOR EVERYONE! Because what could go wrong with building your team around high scoring offenses and weak defenses? It’s not like you’ll ever have to play an important game outside in December or January…

 

MINNESOTA UNDER 6 WINS

I wanted to go over on this one until I looked at the schedule and realized this team is virtually guaranteed to start no better than 1-4. Their first game against the Rams is a toss up, but then they get New England, New Orleans, Atlanta, and Green Bay. Ooof. Convincing losses in those games could end the Matt Cassel Era, leading to Teddy Bridgewater getting thrown to the wolves too early, leading to more Matt Cassel later in the season, or maybe even an appearance by Christian Ponder, which is a great euphemism for a doctor finding cancer on one of your scans. “We looked at the results, and I don’t know how to say this… but there was an appearance by Christian Ponder.” Then everybody cries and cries and cries. Because he’s that bad at football, you see.

 

NEW ORLEANS OVER 9.5 WINS

Now this team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender. They have Drew Brees! They have Jimmy Graham! They have various wide receivers who will rotate 200 yd/2 TD performances and make fantasy owners mad! They have numerous nameless and faceless running backs who better be able to catch a flare in the flat! They have Rob Ryan, the NFL’s drunk uncle! They have NFL OUTLAW Sean Payton, who visibly smells like too much Drakkar Noir! They can’t win football games outside! Oh shit, that’s right… *counts outdoor games on Saints’ schedule* FIVE! Mark them down for 11-5!

 

NY GIANTS UNDER 8 WINS

I have no idea what the hell is going on with the Giants (not that I really know that much about the other teams but hey shut up.) Eli Manning looks like he might actually be terrible. And not regular-Eli-Manning-terrible either. He looks out-of-the-league-by-November terrible. Tom Coughlin’s heart might not make it through the year. With all of that in mind, I’m picking this team to finish with fewer than eight wins which means I can probably look forward to them beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl in February.

 

PHILADELPHIA OVER 9 WINS

Everyone is drinking the Chip Kelly Kool-Aid and thinks this team will score 20,000 points this season, and since they get to play the Cowboys twice that’s not so far-fetched. I think the Eagles are slightly worse than last year, but will finish with a better record because sometimes that’s just how the NFL works. Especially when you get to play the AFC South and the rest of the NFC East twice. They cut DeSean Jackson in the offseason because he was maybe in a gang or maybe just an asshole but probably because Chip Kelly is an asshole. Nick Foles will get to throw passes without feeling any pressure and probably put up inflated numbers again which is good because when you pressure Nick Foles he evaporates into a cloud of dust. This team will be fun to watch but mark my words everyone will hate them by week 8.

 

SAN FRANCISCO UNDER 10.5 WINS

This was tough, because the 49ers are a deep and well-coached team, but the second level of their defense is going to be non-existent for most of this season. Their two best linebackers are out for extended periods of time, after one’s knee tried to defy the laws of physics in their NFC championship game loss, and the other decided it would be a good idea to say he had a bomb at an airport (it wasn’t.) Their secondary also lost basically everybody and replaced them with basically nobody, which isn’t a good strategy. One of their top offensive linemen is holding out and could be traded, their running back is older than time itself, and Richard Sherman broke their best receiver’s brain and spirit. I don’t think ten wins is impossible for this team, but I do think it’s their ceiling.

 

SEATTLE OVER 11 WINS

With the seeming decline in the rest of their division, the Seahawks should have an inside track towards the number one seed in the conference. That is assuming their deceptively terrible offensive line can keep Russell Wilson out of the morgue for 16 weeks. Marshawn Lynch is unhappy, but he’s at that age where a running back’s wheels fall off and they turn into the New York Jets version of LaDanian Tomlinson, which is always depressing. BUT they still have the Legion of Boom! Two of whom got huge contracts and one of whom was on the cover of Madden so a season ending injury is all but guaranteed! Wow, maybe I should have gone under on this one… nah. Somebody in this division has to win 12 games, and Seattle is still in the best position to do it. Now if Pete Carroll can only prove that 9/11 was a joint effort perpetrated by the US Government in conjunction with the Saucer People and the Reverse Vampires, he’ll finally be able to rest easy.

 

ST. LOUIS UNDER 7.5 WINS

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this team gave Sam Bradford $65 million HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously they’re probably not much worse off with Shaun Hill, which is to say they’re still probably a 6 or 7 win team at best. Missouri residents would rather get tear-gassed by police than watch this team, so it will be nice to see them move to LA in a couple years where they can be ignored by another city with a history of police violence towards African Americans.

 

TAMPA BAY UNDER 7 WINS

Okay, so I’m not down on the Buccaneers this year, but I think seven wins is right about where they’ll land in an NFC South that should see the Saints and Falcons at the top. Lovie Smith is an adequate coach if you’re looking for seven wins, and the defense has some playmakers. The offense also has some big play guys in Doug Martin, Vincent Jackson, and maybe Mike Evans, but the game plan of running Martin up the middle and heaving long balls to the two guys on the outside can only get them so far. Especially when those long balls are coming from Mike Glennon or Josh McCown.

This team should be better than last year, and everyone will laud the improvements Lovie has made, and then when they continue to win 7 and 8 games over the next few years everyone will remember why Lovie Smith got fired in Chicago. Mediocrity looks great after your previous coach almost killed the whole team with MRSA, but eventually people will get sick of it, unless your name is Marvin Lewis.

 

WASHINGTON UNDER 7.5 WINS

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. This team hired Jon Gruden’s brother to be their coach and salvage Bobby Griffiths Jr.’s career which if I were a betting man (AND I AM!) I would wager is not going to go well. Fans are already screaming for Kirk Cousins to start because they’re just as racist as their clueless owner (“This guy looks kinda dark skinned and HE doesn’t care about the team name!”) but they might actually have a point since Bobby Griffiths Jr. is eventually going to get croaked trying to turn a six yard loss into a three yard gain and puncture a lung.

I think the only reason this team gainfully employs Brandon Merriweather is so he has a 50% less chance of actually murdering their quarterback on the field. Maybe Bobby Griffiths will silence his doubters and lead this team back to the playoffs, but this is the guy who turned the ball over ten more times in two fewer games last year. The division could be wide open, but so are most receivers against the Washington secondary. This team is gross and I hate them and don’t want to look at them.

 

JOIN US LATER THIS WEEK FOR PART TWO: THE AFC

 

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