Jul 17

The Sociopath’s Guide to Smoking: Tofu

Teddy PettingellThe Sociopath’s Guide to Smoking: Tofu

- by Ted Pettingell

When Ted isn’t busy giving Unsolicited Advice, he loves to kill animals and smoke them until they are delicious. Now you can too!





What gives Ted? Tofu, that isn’t meat. I thought this was a meat smoking guide. What sort of right thinking American eats tofu?

Why don’t you shut up, voice in my head, and let me explain what’s going on here? If you believe in god, you know like a Christian god, something believable, not one of those eastern sci-fi religions, you know God created animals to serve man. It’s the same reason he created fossil fuels and woman. If you are like that, you should have no problem eating meat, but maybe you have no god. If that’s the case then you should know the universe is a cold, empty, uncaring monster. It has no time for compassion and empathy. All it knows is bloodlust and chaos.


The universe is a sociopath and thus the sociopath is nature’s perfect creation. A perfect reflection of itself, just a handsome, just as deadly. If that’s the case then why wouldn’t you eat meat? It tastes delicious and offers your caveman a brief moment of escape from the sense of impending doom.

This pug, like the universe, is a perfect murder machine.

Like the universe, this pug is a perfect murder machine.


Still though, there are misguided people out there who still choose to not eat meat. Maybe they are a coward who is scared of the taste of fun.  Maybe they are doing for health reasons. Although I can’t understand why anyone would go out of their way to live longer. We’ve already established the universe we live in is nothing more than a perfect murder machine.


So, a brief history of tofu. Tofu was discovered in Asia sometime after the invention of communism. After the Chairman took power and banned all things fun, the proletariat needed a source of protein. Through trial and error, they found that if you take soy beans and deprive them of their freedom, they turn into a mushy flavorless block. But what tofu lacks in flavor it makes up for in nutritional content. Or so the Chinese would have you believe. Anyway, tofu has become popular with vegetarians and right thinking people alike.



I had to invent this recipe myself because I get invited to a lot of parties (I’m very popular) where there are people who will not eat meat. They are usually some weird dude with a weirder beard or some girl who doesn’t believe in animal cruelty but has no problem wearing clothes made by child slaves in sweatshop somewhere. And you know what, those child slaves don’t have a choice, they have to eat tofu. Aren’t you just mocking them by pretending to like the cuisine they have to force down their collective food hole?



Ribs: An ACCEPTABLE summer-time-fun-cookout food



I guess what I’m saying is it would be rude to leave these people out of the Barbecue fun. Now, on to how to actually prepare tofu so that it is an acceptable cookout-summer-time-fun-food.








First, you need the right kind of tofu and that will be labeled extra firm. That is a bit of misnomer, because extra firm sounds like it would be robust and engorged. Its not. Extra firm tofu out of the package has the texture of a flaccid wet sponge.






IMG_6465 (1)


To remedy this, you need to cut the tofu into strips and begin to press the the water out of it. Wrap the strips in paper towels and place heavy object on top of them. Every 15 minutes remove the old paper towels and replace them with dry fresh ones. Repeat four or five times. This will take about an hour.



I didn’t say turning this mush in to proper fare wasn’t going to be a chore.




As you are pressing you can also begin preparing your marinade. The first step is to get out a tupperware container large enough to contain all of your tofu. Then assemble your ingredients.

I use Barbecue sauce, pineapple juice, and soy sauce. Make sure the Barbecue sauce is vegan. A lot of Barbecue sauce contains Worcestershire sauce.



Worcestershire sauce is made with anchovies. I know they’re barely in there but people with moral and health based diets can be real assholes when it comes to what the eat. If the fish has been soaking in vinegar so long its bones have dissolved into the sauce, is there really any meat in there at all?




Anyway, mix your Barbecue sauce, soy sauce, and pineapple juice together in your Tupperware. Once you finish pressing the tofu add it to the marinade, cover, and put in the fridge over night. One of the benefits of tofu being an edible sponge is once you’ve squeezed all of it own flavorless juice out it will really take on the flavor of what ever you surround it by.






The smoking is pretty straight forward. 225 degrees for two to three hours. If you have multiple racks you might want to rotate every hour so they cook evenly.  I would use a fruity wood like apple or cherry because a stronger more pungent wood like mesquite or hickory would over power the the tofu.




IMG_9631Once they are done smoking you can throw them on the grill and get them even crispier. If you’ve done everything right you’ll get a hunk of soy that tastes like barbecue and has the texture of a microwavable chicken nugget, which for tofu is as good as you are going to get.


Now you can score some babes because they will be impressed with how good of cook you are and how cultured and tolerant you are.


The end.


Follow me on twitter.  Go eat a steak.


(@tedpettingell, your #1 source for Erotica on twitter)

Jul 14

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski


HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing

– by Rich Karski





Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that one time saw a guy on a motorcycle hit the front of a truck and then go flying over the truck into another truck. It was badass.

The purpose of this article is not merely to educate, but to turn you all into winners. Learning new skills is the best way to succeed in life and make enough money to buy large automobiles and closets that are on a different temperature setting than the rest of your house. One thing you will hear a lot in life is that winners don’t use drugs. This has been proven to be false by essentially every cool and successful person who has ever lived, from Barack Obama to Genghis Khan.

Winners use any drug that suits them, with the main difference being they know how to use drugs CORRECTLY. That’s what your D.A.R.E. counselor never told you. They don’t want you to know that doing drugs is cool and fun as long as you’re good at it. The reason for this, aside from them being do-gooder fascists looking for reasons to get uncomfortably close to impressionable youths, is that they themselves have tried drugs and ended up being bad at it so they want to kill the fun for everybody else.

There is a right way and a wrong way to do every drug, and it’s very important that you learn the right way or you will end up alone in a ditch or even worse, thinking it is a good idea to vote for Ron Paul. Despite not being a drug user myself (for the purposes of this article alcohol, nicotine, and various prescription medications found outside are not considered drugs) I am going to do you the solid (that’s drug talk for “favor”) of teaching you all



STEP ONE: Using Marijuana

I consider marijuana, or “pot” as it is called on the street, to be the worst of all drugs. It doesn’t have the ability to cause physical damage in the way that so-called “hard” drugs do, but the mental damage it inflicts is far worse than anyone cares to discuss. That’s because when you smoke “pot” the wrong way, it becomes literally the only thing you will ever talk about with anyone.

images (1)Marijuana infects your brain in a way that it becomes your identity and instead of having actual human interests and beliefs, your entire personality and ethos boils down to:

“This stuff should be legal, so I can keep smoking it every day like I do now only, you know, like, at the bank too? Haha, whoa wouldn’t that be weird? Like, if I just pulled out my bong in line at the bank and I’m all like ‘I’d like to make a deposit’ and then I just hand the cute teller a huge nug and she comes over to watch Adventure Time?”

NO! That is not how you do pot.

The best way to do pot is in a garage by yourself after supporting an unappreciative family for 20+ years. Maybe read some old Penthouse letters and eat Cool Whip out of the container with a spoon. You shouldn’t be allowed to take this type of break from reality unless reality has beaten you into a husk of the person you once were. Also never buy anything with a pot leaf on it for any reason ever or I’ll send some guys to your house.


STEP TWO: Using Cocaine

Okay, cocaine is a little trickier, because there are a lot of bad ways to use cocaine. Definitely don’t use cocaine if you’re an idiot college student or the number two pick in the NBA draft. Also you should never snort cocaine off of another person’s body because first of all germs and second of all it’s tacky and the point of all of this is to make you into a person who is cool not a person who would shout “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” at the police.

Really, the only good way to do cocaine is on a large boat that you own, because if you don’t have enough money to own a boat large enough to fit several smaller boats inside it then you should not be spending money on cocaine. Even if somebody offers you cocaine for free, you don’t want to do it because at the very least you are obligated to listen to their coke-addled opinions on immigration and at the very worst you will end up doing ass to ass shows like Jennifer Connolly in Requiem For a Dream.

Cocaine is a weird drug in that its main effect is making you want more cocaine, and it doesn’t make sense to do a little if you can’t afford a lot of it. Also, if you are doing a lot of cocaine, it is a good idea not to make any plans or act on any of the ideas you have because that’s how things like Eddie Murphy’s music career or Dennis Rodman’s acting career happen.



Most people think using LSD creates some sort of cosmic out of body experience that changes your life and allows you to see the world in new and exciting ways and these people are dumb assholes. LSD is a drug that makes hippies think they’re more in tune with the world than you are because they found a different way of poisoning their brain.

The worst thing you can do after taking LSD is tell everyone you know about your experience on LSD because it is the exact same thing as telling other people about a dream you had only somehow less interesting. Nobody cares about the really crazy trip you had that one time out in the woods because it’s exactly the same story as being out in the woods when you’re sober.

“One time I was tripping balls on a camping trip and I saw a bear” is the same story as “One time I was on a camping trip and I saw a bear” only one of them makes you sound like an idiot. Guess which one? The right way to take LSD is before your next trip to the dentist because it will make the experience so horrifying and traumatic that the next time you go to the dentist won’t be so bad and maybe then you’ll start taking better care of your disgusting teeth.


STEP FOUR: Using Bath Salts

Using bath salts is by and large a terrible idea unless you have been working up the courage to cannibalize your neighbors and you just need that extra push in the right direction. Don’t take bath salts with the express purpose of eating people, because that just signifies that you are a coward who didn’t even have the stones to chow down on human flesh without a crutch. Grow a pair.

The right way to take bath salts is before your trial for the murder of the people you cannibalized, because you will come across as such a lunatic that you might get to hang out in a mental hospital for the rest of your life instead of getting beaten with a sack of doorknobs by the governor or however they’re putting people to death these days.


STEP FIVE: Using Heroin

Okay. DO NOT USE HEROIN. I will not endorse the use of heroin. My imagination can only go so far, and I cannot think of a correct way to use heroin that won’t result in your life being completely and utterly in shambles and everyone you know and love turning on you and losing faith and trust in you forever.

What’s that? Your life is already in shambles? Everyone you know and love has written you off long ago? Well, alright then. Go nuts.


And there you have it.

Five easy steps on the road to becoming a successful and responsible drug user. Now go out there and use all the drugs you want, but remember to develop actual interests and talents first because otherwise all you’re going to talk about is your drug use and you will become insufferable. And once that happens I’m sending some guys to your house.



Image was pulled from a Google image search of “psychedelic funny”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

Jul 11

UnScene’s Weekly Caption Contest: Sad Americans.

Each week Shawn Carter asks a group of comics to write a caption for a photo. The winner of our caption contest gets special treatment at our open mic at Sally O’Briens in Somerville.

This week our winner was Phoebe Angle with this caption:

These Americans were asked to point out Belgium on a map.

These Americans were asked to point out Belgium on a map.

To see more or participate in our weekly caption contest check out Sally O’brien’s Comedy on Facebook.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/169074213185040/

Jul 10

This One Weird Thing: Rude, Crude, & Tattooed….and Working in an Office, Wishing I was Dead



This One Weird Thing: Rude, Crude, & Tattooed
…and Working in an Office, Wishing I was Dead

I know a lot of weird things.This column explains why.
-by Christa Weiss




We’ve all seen the trends lately. Beautiful pastel pinks, purples, and blues are all the rage when it comes to haircolor. And I pine for it. PINE FOR IT. Like a lost love, like a dead child, like a broken dream.


Look jerkbag, this is about artistic expression. I work in an office as a graphic designer, and I cannot have pink hair, or visible piercings or tattoos.


And that shit is lame.


The only thing I want in this world is to look like an angry woodland nymph. IS THAT SO WRONG?

The only thing I want in this world is to look like an angry woodland nymph. IS THAT SO WRONG?

I am a creative professional, which means that I, like so many others who wanted to something art related with their life, realized there is virtually no way to do this without landing in a cardboard box.


So yeah graphic design. I’m pretty good at it but it doesn’t matter. Everything I create gets throw away or deleted within a matter of minutes. I’ve heard my boss say he’s sold his soul on more than one occasion.


This is the landscape most of us work in. Be it designers that never finished their masterpieces or the copy writers that never wrote their novels, none of us really want to be here. We had a purpose. And every day that passes we think about the things we’re not doing and the pieces we’ll never finish. I feel like I’m being held hostage sometimes.


But the truth of the matter is that those corporate types, need us. They sort of hate us, they are kind of afraid of us, but they need us. They also need to control us.


This brings me back to piercings/tattoos/ my horrifying lack of pink hair.


People in creative jobs are usually given a little more leeway in terms of personal appearance depending on the type of business you’re working for. Generally speaking though, piercings, tattoos and unnatural hairclolors and bold  hair cuts are frowned upon.


I happened to wind up working in string of conservative places, and job competition is fierce, so I can’t exactly pick and choose. I take what I can get and celebrate that finally I have enough money to buy both shampoo and Windex together in the same week. I feel like a goddamn millionaire.


But I’ve sold my soul and I know that. In a way, everyone has, but I think it cuts a little deeper when you’re passionate about something that’s a statistical anomaly to achieve while still paying your rent, unless you have rich parents. Being naturally great at math and science means you can get a good job, and are generally well respected.


Being an artist of any kind, is regarded as nothing more than a parlor trick, one that people are only cool with as long as it doesn’t really challenge them.


That’s gets pretty frustrating when it’s the only thing that gives your life meaning.


People don’t really pay artists just to be artists anymore. Or musicians. Or comedians. I happen to be two thirds of that equation. This means most of my time is spent beating my head against the wall, spending every second of my free time on art or comedy, being really tired all the time, feeling guilty when I’m not working on said pursuits and trying to figure a way out of my stupid office job, knowing that at the end of the day, it might just not happen for me.


So, for the love of god, let me have my fucking dignity.


Let me have pink hair.


A lot of people don’t like tattoos and piercing for a variety of reasons. I will debunk these via list, because that is the only way people on the internet are capable of digesting information.


Ridiculous Reasons Why People Hate Piercings/Tattoos/
Weird Hair Cuts & Colors

They make you look like a Sailors or a Bikers.

Umm…are those still things? The only people I know who sail are wealthy New Englanders who wear ugly pink shorts. The Navy hasn’t been particularly viable since the invention of super planes that can bomb the crap out of everything. Now the Navy just reminds me of the delightfully flamboyant men with mustaches and tiny shorts.

And bikers? I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a new recruit to that club since 1975. Today’s version of bikers are angry YouTube commenters and those guys spend most of their time in the IT department.


If I want to see art, I’ll go to a museum.

First of all, no you won’t. No one goes museums anymore. You think tattoos invade your space but you’re cool with being bombarded with ads, literally every second of every day all the time?

If it’s between seeing ads and seeing tattoos, holy shit, tats all the way. They don’t make me feel bad about myself in order to get me to buy shit I don’t need.

Even if I see a tattoo that is terrible, they are usually great for a laugh. I once saw a woman with the phases of Michael Jackson’s face tattooed in a mural on her back (fresh faced little boy, thriller hot shot and horrifying skeleton-man). It might have been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.


BUT BUT, tattoos/piercings/odd hair colors make you look threatening!

Umm no they don’t. I look like I work in a coffee shop. Regardless of how much I’m covered up, piercings in or out, bewildered tourists constantly ask me for directions. I kind of hoped I looked threating enough for idiots not to talk to me. But nope, I was wrong. You don’t ask someone for directions if you think they are going to steal your money and murder-rape you.


Seriously, though, how’s that tattoo going to look when you’re 80?

I dunno, how’s the rest of me gonna look when I’m 80? Not good is the answer. Being tattooed does not make you any more or less fuckable when you are 80. You’re 80. It’s a miracle you’re still walking around. Have you seen what a lifetime of eating fast food does? Maybe give that a second thought too.


Those things make you look poor and trashy.

There is nothing that makes wearing this okay. NOTHING!

There is nothing that makes wearing this okay. NOTHING!

Do they, now? Tons of famous musicians and actors have tattoos and they are literally millionaires. What looks trashy is the Whinny the Pooh jean jacket that Marsha from accounting insists on wearing every casual Friday, but everyone in the office seems to be cool with that.


The fact of the matter is, while people say that mods look unprofessional, there is no real concrete reason as to WHY people feel that way. It comes down to people’s own personal biases. Mostly, it appears that people are just afraid of being around people who look like they might challenge the status quo.


There are plenty studies and surveys regarding what percentage of employers would hire a person with body mods versus those who would not, however…




Look it up. Nothing.


The thing is, the way that I dress is really a very large part of who I am. Not in the superficial fashionista way. I’m an artist. Everything I wear is meticulously put together, colors matched, styles aligned, powders and pencils and scents all in place. The way I approach the way that I dress is with the same kind of OCD that you need to deal with the spaces in between letters and intuitively knowing the difference between Pantone 326c and 326u. I am essentially one giant art project.


That’s me. That’s who I am. And that kind of attention to detail is what makes me valuable as a designer. Schooling aside, natural talent is natural talent, and either you have it or you don’t.


Some smuck in khakis and polo shirt can’t dream of doing the kind of work I do. So why do I have to look like them?


The fact of the matter is ‘appropriate workplace attire’ makes me uncomfortable. Every time I have to wear a business suit it makes me feel sad and kind of repulsed and disgusted. (This is how I image average-Joe-business man would feel if he was suddenly required to go to work with a mohawk and full tattoo sleeves. I’d love for someone like that to know how uncomfortable it feels.)


I was the maid of honor at my friend's wedding, with a visible tattoo & the world didn't even end! I got (GASP) compliments!

I was the maid of honor at my friend’s wedding, with a visible tattoo & the world didn’t even end! I got (GASP) compliments!

But I’m not unreasonable. I know what’s appropriate and what’s not. I do in fact, have the ability to groom myself and know what to wear based on the situation. I just don’t know why I can’t have pink hair while I’m doing it.


It’s really easy to set up a bunch of arbitrary rules banning something when the person who’s making the rules has no desire to do that thing.


Say I own a business and I don’t like potatoes chips. Therefore I ban anyone who I employ from eating potato chips. Not only are my employees banned from eating them at work, they cannot eat them in their time off either. Eating potato chips has no influence of the quality of the work my employees put out, but who cares? It’s all fine with me, because it’s never something I’ve liked to begin with.


But there are people who love potato chips, yearn for them, who will wistfully imagine what it would be like to eat them every day. Liking potato chips is just part of who they are, they have no real control over it. Well, too bad for them. I don’t like potato chips, I don’t like people who like potato chips AND GET OFF MY LAWN YOU GODDAMN HIPPY!


Ok, got a little side tracked there, but I think my point is valid.


You have to take artists, people, as they are. While my mother tells me how much she loves my creatively, and how much life I bring to the house when I’m back home, she hates everything else that naturally comes along with being creative.


When I got my lip pierced she didn’t talk to me for a month. When I got an industrial (cartilage piercing) right before I graduated high school, she said I ruined my graduation.


Small pieces of metal don’t ruin meaningless ceremonies, people do. At the end of the day all I got was a weird look from my cousin who then handed me a bouquet of plastic flowers. Right. And no one thinks it’s weird that someone gave me a bouquet of flowers that could melt if I left them in a hot car?


You can’t get prime rib without a little fat. Some people love the fat and some people hate it, but no matter what you think, it’s always going to be there. Otherwise it’s not prime rib.


Without my weirdness I wouldn’t be an artist, and without my art, I wouldn’t be weird.


I am always going to be creative, I am always going to want pink hair, and I am always going die a little, every time I walk into my office.


So for the love of god, let me have pink hair. No, I won’t go postal, but these antidepressants do come out of the cost of my health insurance.














First image was pulled from a Bing image search of “pastel hair”.  Second image was pulled from a Google image search of “Winnie the Pooh jean jacket”. 

If you are the owner of either of these images and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

The third image is by Leo Timoshuk Photography. Contact them here: http://www.leotim.com/


Jul 06

The Sociopath’s Guide to Smoking: Shredded Beef Tacos

Teddy Pettingell

The Sociopath’s Guide to Smoking (…or Meat Cactus or Whatever): Shredded Beef Tacos

- by Ted Pettingell

When Ted isn’t busy giving Unsolicited Advice, he loves to kill animals and smoke them until they are delicious. Now you can too!




Happy Fourth of July weekend everyone! What better way to celebrate America than with Beef, Barbecue, and Tacos?


Yes, on this week’s edition of Meat Cactus, that’s what I’m calling these articles from now on, editorial staff be damned, (Editor’s Note: Seriously, Ted? That doesn’t even make any sense. Meat Cactus doesn’t sound appetizing, it sounds like a dude with a particularly nasty venial disease.) on this week’s Meat Cactus we are talking smoked beef tacos. Why?

Because what is more American than appropriating the cultures of other people?




Selecting your beef is important. Put down the Rib Eye! What are you some kind or rich idiot? Of course you aren’t, you are a pauper of an idiot. You need a rough cut of meat, a working man’s piece of beef, a piece of meat called Chuck.

Why is it called Chuck? Because beef Charles sounds too fancy.




I may write an entire article explaining beef cuts to all you dummies but until the I’ll keep it simple. The more a cow uses a muscle the tougher but more flavorful it is, the less they work the more tender and tasteless it becomes.  Tasteless probably isn’t the right word. That’s more how I would describe Rich Karski’s sense of humor.


Beef Chuck is the cow’s shoulder, the same way pork butt is actually the pig’s shoulder.  Which is a good thing because we are also going to pull this meat. But lets not get ahead of ourselves, it will be a while before that. We’ve got our chuck roast and now we need to marinade it and that’s where the chipotles come in.



IMG_4793I know you are saying, ‘Mr. Meat Cactus I hear all about chipotles but I have no idea what they are.’  Well, you would say that my simple friend. Chipoltes, another thing I could write a whole article on, are smoked, dried jalapeno peppers. They are a great ingredient to use if you want a smokey flavor even if you don’t have a smoker, because they are already smoked.


If you have any sort of ethnic section in your local super market then you should be able to find canned chipotles in adobo. What is adobo?  Man, I must be blowing your minds with all these answers.  Adobo is liquid made up of various spices and herbs and tastes a lot like barbecue sauce.




Get yourself a couple cans of chipotles and dump all the contents, adobo, included into your blender. Now add some Mexican spices, some fruit juices and what not and you got a rockin’ marinade. Make a lot of it and only use half as a marinade and ad some more junk to it to make into a real spicy smokey barbecue sauce. Combine chuck with marinade and let them get to know each other in your fridge over night.




Again, chuck, like pork butt is going to take about an hour and a half per pound. So if you got a four pound roast you are going to need 6 hours to smoke it. I’d let you do the math but I don’t trust you.  Pull your beef out of the fridge and then rub it down with what every you would use to season tacos. See how its all starting to come together? Of course you don’t, you dummy.




To smoke I would suggest using pecan, mesquite, hickory, or some combination of two or all three. We need a pungent smoke that is really going to penetrate the meat. It’s hard to penetrate Chuck, remember, he’s a real tough guy.




Six hours have gone by but you aren’t done yet. Now take the meat out of the smoker. It should look like a giant beautiful steak at this point. Put it in your handy crock pot and start to pull it apart.







Good bye chuck and hello shredded beef!  At this point you could start to make your tacos, but you’ve already invested all this time in it so why start half assing it now? I added enchilada sauce and diced chillies and let the meat stew in that for a couple more hours. Now we are ready for tacos.






Serve with the traditional taco fixings and that rocking Barbecue sauce you made. Enjoy, America!

Know that you were born here because you are a better than everyone else, so look down on them because the deserve it.





(Editors Note: The opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of UnScene Comedy, although lets face it, there’s nothing more American than xenophobia.)




Jun 29

An Interview with Bobcat Goldthwait on the Cult Movie Classic, Windy City Heat


An Interview with Bobcat Goldthwait on the Cult Movie Classic, Windy City Heat

by Matt Kona

A while back I hosted a weekend at The Comedy Connection in Rhode Island. The headliner was Bobcat Goldthwait, and I was very excited. I was excited mainly for reasons the average person familiar with Bobcat may not be: his films.



Matt and Bobcat

One film in particular, “Windy City Heat.” (WCH)
WCH aired on Comedy Central in 2004 and is available on DVD.

It’s difficult to explain if you haven’t seen it yet, but it’s a reality movie that’s part documentary, part elaborate prank. It focuses on failed open mic comic, Perry F. Caravello and his journey through the auditioning and making of his first major film alongside cohorts and puppet string pullers Don Barris and Walter “Mole” Molininsky as they torment and help him along the way. By the time the film was made they had been working with each other on “The Perry Project” at The Comedy Store and on Cable Access for over ten years.


Before reading on I encourage you to see “Windy City Heat” or read the brief history (where the movie can also be viewed in full) at Thebig3project.com or on YouTube.


I was dying to know anything about the process. I was hoping to get some questions from The Big 3 Fanclub, a Facebook group of diehard fans who follow the activities of the stars of WCH in their current endeavor, The Big 3 podcast.


I made a list from what they gave me (some serious, some tongue in cheek) and added in some of my own.  I knew I would have to show some restraint to not bother him until after the show and at the same time not come off as overbearing or stalkerish.


As it happened, his latest film, “Willow Creek” (a found footage Bigfoot film) was premiering in London while he was in a comedy club doing what has essentially become his ‘day job’: helping to raise money to make the kind of films he wants to make. The reviews were coming in and they were all positive, so things were going well.


In the green room Bobcat took time to talk to me about standup and was friendly and polite. Eventually, I got to bring up Windy City Heat, because he mentioned that none of his movies have big cult followings.


I had to speak up!


It was as if the list of questions by the Big 3 Fanclub, who definitely constitute as a cult following, (and are known also as ‘Javaho Nation’) compelled me to. There are already over 1,000 people that are in the fan club and for the most part, we found each other accidentally or by chance.

We talked a little while about WCH and I told him about the questions I had for him and he agreed to do an interview later in the weekend.

It turned out to be the very last part of the weekend, around 12:30am, Sunday morning. I’ve waited to publish it for a few reasons. Willow Creek is now out on VOD, Amazon, iTunes, etc and Bobcat will be back in the New England area this September. Also, after a short hiatus, The Big 3 have resumed podcasting bi-weekly (at www.thebig3podcast.com) and are shooting a pilot Aug 15-16 in Los Angeles. (Fans are encouraged to attend.)


windy weekend panel

The Windy Weekend (Windy City Heat 10th Anniversary) panel discussion

Matt: How in tune were you with ‘The Perry Project’?


Bobcat: I met the whole gang when I was working over at The Man Show, so that’s how I got involved. I’m a latecomer to the Perryverse.


Matt: Did you ever go see him at The Ding Dong Show or did they just show you tapes?


Bobcat: Yeah they showed me tapes, they gave me a ton of Perry’s (Simply Don The Public Access Show) tapes.


Matt: Awesome. Now keep in mind there are some joke questions in here but, What’s the worst part about working with Perry?


Bobcat: Um, well his overall kick ass charm and take no prisoner’s attitude is really intimidating.


Matt: What was your favorite bit that didn’t make the final cut of the film?


Bobcat: Well it didn’t make it to Comedy Central but it did make it to DVD, when Perry, uh…(laughs) when Travis Bickle says “I’m not gonna sleep with you.” ” I don’t sleep with guys.” That whole bit wasn’t in the film.


Matt: Oh, wow. Now Perry is known for emulating Sam Kinnison washe aware that he emulated you or looked at you different based on your standup persona?


Bobcat: No, I don’t think Perry was ever a fan of me as a comedian.


image 2Matt: Did you ever feel like you were in any physical danger while shooting? He had a few violent reactions.


Bobcat: Yeah, I think during the part where the craft service table of donuts got flipped over, I thought someone was gonna get hurt then.


Matt: What was the hardest part about working with hidden cameras? Did you see it all as it was happening? Were you in a truck?


Bobcat: Yeah, that (screen) split in the beginning of the movie, that was on my video tap. I could always see 80% of the cameras most of the time. It’s a weird thing when you’re making a movie though, when you don’t really have rehearsals with the lead actor. It’s probably a lot like it was making a movie with Frank Sinatra.


Matt: How much rehearsing was done before he arrived?


Bobcat: A lot, like 3 or 4 hours of rehearsing and with Perry you really only had one take of what was gonna go down.


Matt: With what you had rehearsed what do you think was the thing that came together the best?


Bobcat: I think the red bat/blue bat scene, I think that played but that really has more to do with Don and Mole really knowing how Perry is going to react.


Matt: What about a moment where it wasn’t rehearsed?


Bobcat: A lot of stuff like that would happen. So much of the Burt Ward stuff kind of just snowballed and became the whole bit.


Matt: How long did Perry think the movie was cancelled for after he knocked over the craft service table?


Bobcat: It was a weekend, because they came back and had that meeting, so it was a weekend of almost being suicidal, you know?


Matt: Did you spend any time on the phone with him?


Bobcat: No, but mostly Don would keep in touch with Perry.


Matt: You said when you were filming there was a culture of paranoia where you thought you were being videotaped.


Bobcat: Yeah, because there’s so many cameras and we’re recording so much stuff. When I would go in the bathroom I’d feel like I was being filmed. When I went home I felt like the cameras were on. And you know crew guys knew it was the real (William) Refrigerator Perry and  so it must be the real Ernie Banks and Ansel Adams so it wasn’t just Perry the lines were blurred for.


Matt: Do you ever in general as a film maker have dreams where you’re seeing things through a viewfinder, like its a movie?


Bobcat: No…but it sounds like I’m lying, my perception of what was real and what wasn’t was definitely getting blurry.


image copy

Walter “Mole” Molininsky, Perry Caravello, Don Barris and (gasp!) Ted Pettingell and Matt Kona at the Windy Weekend: Windy City Heat 10th Anniversary

Matt: Do you ever think the film would have turned out differently if you had went with Carson Daly?


Bobcat: I think it would have been more commercial.


Matt: How clued in to the Perry Project were some of the people?


Bobcat: I think Carson was nervous. (laughs)


Matt: Now the actual script of Windy City Heat..how much of that is there?


Bobcat: I don’t know if that made the cut but we talked about how I work like Woody Allen and I only allow certain pages to go out.


Matt: Ah, that’s something that maybe exists only in the rumored 6 or 14 hour cuts of the movie. On that note was there ever talk about it being a series on Comedy Central?


Bobcat: I think that nowadays with digital platforms and webisodes that’s probably how it would have gone and come out. Probably the four hour version or you could still cut up the 90 minute version into a couple of episodes. It might have been more popular like that but you know what? Unlike the other movies I make, I write and direct them, this was the first one that I contributed to but I didn’t write it so I’m comfortable in saying that I really do think it’s hilarious.  I wouldn’t say that about a movie that I wrote because that would be kind of obnoxious but I do know that it’s one of the funniest movies ever made.


Matt: How about the movie since then? How did you take it after it was released? I know it aired only a few times on Comedy Central but it won the Best Film award at the Montreal Comedy Festival, and The Big 3 has reformed with the podcast, they had the celebration at The Windy Weekend, but how in tune are you, do you listen to the podcast?


Bobcat: I listen to the podcast sometimes. I haven’t listened to it in a while but you know I still get involved when they put up the bat signal and want me to come to something. I have a soft spot for those guys but I’m usually working on my own stuff.


Matt: Do you think it could ever work today for a video shorts series? Comedy Central has their digital studios…


Bobcat: I don’t know if Comedy Central really gives a shit about Windy City Heat, you know everyone in that movie is in their 30′s or older so how could it be funny?


Matt: I just think it was such a unique and great collaboration…


Bobcat: It was this really weird perfect storm of crazy that all the parts collaborated and made this thing bigger than the whole.


Matt: What do you think the craziest thing you’ve seen in this ‘world’ was.


Bobcat: I remember I went to pick up Perry out of the hospital so he could appear on the Kimmel Show. He’s in the hospital bed with his neck brace on. As I’m walking out the doctor said “Are you- oh my God, are you Bobcat Goldthwaite? OK, this is all making sense.” I asked him if he was really hurt and he said, “No, get him out of here.” I climb in bed with Perry to take a picture and think there’s real people  out in the emergency room…




- Follow Bobcat Goldthwait on Twitter @BCGoldthwait

- “Willow Creek” is now out on iTunes and Amazon for sale or rental. Check it out! 

- See Bobcat live when he headlines Halligan’s in Auburn, MA. Saturday September 27th at 8pm. Tickets on sale at www.ticketsforcomedy.com.

- If you live in the California area be sure to check out the Big 3 live for free at The World Famous Comedy Store on The Ding Dong Show Monday August 18 at 10pm.

- Follow Matt Kona on Twitter at @MattKona or check out http://www.mattkona.com/.

Jun 26

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

karskiHOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski



Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that serves as a case study on the long term effects of head injuries in high school sports.


Part of getting older is settling into a routine so your life stops being a terrifying gauntlet of unknown horrors leading up to your inevitable death, probably from one of the really bad cancers like eyeball cancer. Making life more predictable and eliminating as much of the surprise as you can control is something that most people strive for as they get to an age where the fear of death becomes inescapable. One way to do this is to get married.


thMarriage eliminates so many variables in life that it’s no surprise that people are still doing it even after it has been proven to have a lower success rate than that TV show “Intervention.”


When you commit yourself to another person “forever” you get rid of the awkwardness of having to go on dates, the uncertainty of what you will be doing this weekend (arguing about where stuff goes in the house,) and the fear that comes from not knowing how long it will take somebody to find your corpse after you accidentally get trapped behind the washing machine.


It’s an easy decision to make. On the other hand, maybe you’ve truly met “the one” and you’re getting married because your love is so powerful that the president would need to call in the National Guard to take that shit down. Maybe your love is the one that is REALLY going to change the world and end wars and poverty and racism.


Either way, you are going to need to have a wedding. For the first group, I would recommend going to city hall and getting the paperwork done and then going to a bar with your friends. For the second group, however, that just isn’t going to cut it. If you are truly in love, your wedding needs to beat the concept of love into everybody within shouting distance so they know that yours is unstoppable. That’s why today I am going to teach you:




STEP ONE: Making Your Wedding Website

This is a new development in the wedding planning game, but let me tell you it is a GAME CHANGER. As soon as that engagement ring goes on the finger you better get your ass onto the World Wide Web and get to work on martyandsamanthasenchanteddreamwedding.com.

The point of the website is to make your wedding seem like the most important wedding that has ever happened and all other weddings look like redneck piss-drinking contests by comparison. “NO LOVE IS AS SPECIAL AS OUR LOVE” is the message you want to convey with this website.


Will it have a poem about love? You bet your mother’s tits it will have a fucking poem about love, because your love is so goddamned special that it inspired a poet SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS IN THE PAST to dream up a scenario where the perfect love could exist and FINALLY you and your significant other have come along to make his dream a reality.


Does your love allow you to walk hand in hand near a body of water at sunset without even wearing fucking shoes? FUCK AND YES so you better put a picture of that shit on the website because if that’s the type of thing you do ON YOUR REGULAR DAY OFF then you need to give people a taste so they know whatever heartwarming shit you have planned for the wedding is going to blow that OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER.


Make sure to link to that shit on your facebook every couple of hours so everybody is constantly reminded that whatever they once thought love was is a bold faced lie and you are about to rain hellfire on their infantile concept of marital union. Look at your website as Hitler’s invasion of Poland. This is your announcement to the world that you are for real and they better get the fuck out of your way or face the consequences.


STEP TWO: Selecting Your Wedding Day

The importance of selecting a date is twofold- firstly: you want to choose a date that is unlikely to be ruined by weather events. Secondly: you want to choose a date that inconveniences as many of your wedding guests as possible.


The three most likely weekends that meet both criteria are Memorial Day Weekend, Fourth of July Weekend, and Labor Day Weekend. It’s likely that people are going to want to make plans for these weekends and those plans better be your wedding or they need to get used to you sending text messages to their friends and family implying they have a drug problem. Anyone who thinks your wedding isn’t the most important thing happening on any given weekend is someone who doesn’t belong there anyway and might even try to upstage you on the dance floor.


For bonus points, try to schedule your wedding on the same day as the wedding of a friend or family member, thus turning it into a competition to see who is more important to the people in your lives. If you’re aggressive enough you can intimidate them into rescheduling their wedding which had been booked prior to yours. A series of threatening phone calls followed by flyers mailed to local wedding vendors detailing their “shady past” should be enough to do the trick. Nobody wants to bake a wedding cake for someone with rumored ties to a terrorist organization.  Remember, this is YOUR special day, even if someone else got there first.


STEP THREE: Choosing Your Location

Two words: destination wedding. This is another way of weeding out the people you haven’t yet realized you no longer want in your life. Anybody who isn’t willing to throw down a couple grand in airfare and hotel fees to see what a stunning couple you are standing barefoot on the beach (JUST LIKE IN THAT PICTURE OH MY GOD FULL CIRCLE) does not deserve to share in the life you are building together.


This is also beneficial because it essentially eliminates the poor from attending which is great because as we all know poor people are gross and do not deserve to be in the presence of love. Also, poor people will not be able to afford the wonderful gifts that you have added to your registry and why would you ever invite someone who is going to give you a subpar gift? “Oh you brought some towels? You might as well have brought typhus because that is how sick you just made me now get out of my fucking sight.” You don’t want to have to say the F word at your own wedding, do you? Of course not, so make sure to do whatever you can to exclude any poor “friends” or “relatives” from ruining your perfect day.


STEP FOUR: Finalizing Your Guest List

It isn’t just the poor that you want to keep out of your wedding. If Darwinism has taught us anything it’s that only the strong and probably white will be around long enough to see the world through to its natural conclusion (the Rapture, followed by a wine and cheese mixer in heaven.) This is the mindset you need to enter when making the final cuts on your wedding invitation.


First off the list are all but the wealthiest elderly people. Old folks bum people out and you don’t want anyone dying at your wedding unless you stand to inherit a huge chunk of change in that particular transaction. Next, make sure there are no kids. Kids are terrible and they’re loud and carry diseases so if you want to invite kids to your wedding how about just throw a bunch of French fries on the ground and invite some seagulls instead because there is literally no difference. Any parent that wouldn’t instinctually leave their children at home on your wedding day should be sent to jail and maybe even killed with a gun or some poison.


Finally, you’re going to want to limit the plus ones to other married people. Nobody that hasn’t been through the sacred rites of marriage should get to bring a date because seriously, Brian and Kelly, if you’re actually in love you wouldn’t have been living together for FIVE YEARS without a ring. Go to hell.


STEP FIVE: Having A Cash Bar

You’ve already invited these ungrateful assholes to be a part of the most magical day of your life, and now they think YOU’RE going to pay to get THEM drunk? The nerve of these people!


You might think that a cash bar could possibly make YOU look like the poor ones, but you can counter this by saying “We just didn’t want to invite the type of behavior that open bars tend to bring out in people.” That way you get to be super judgmental of anyone who gets too drunk at your wedding and sullies what is supposed to be the most beautiful day of your life and probably everyone in attendance’s life as well because let’s face it, there’s never going to be another couple like you.


And there you have it.

Five easy steps on how to plan your dream wedding without letting the thoughts and feelings of your loved ones get in the way. Now go out there and find the “love of your life” and don’t get deterred by the fact that that’s how literally every Dateline murder mystery starts.



Image was pulled from a Google image search of “wedding ridiculous”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

Jun 25

I Missed the Boat – by Ben Keefe


I Missed the Boat

- by Ben Keefe





I am at an age where I feel like I’ve missed the boat. I’m not even 25 years old. Part of the reason for this feeling is that I’ve recently encountered a splash of depression. Just a splash, like a nice cool lemonade on an ideal beach day. But instead of lemonade, I feel like I’ve wasted my 20s doing nothing and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting the opportunities I passed up. So I guess that’s more like Ginger Ale.


The good thing about having a splish-splash of depression is that over time you’ll come out on the other end, grateful for the true happiness that life does offer. I’m a firm believer that life should be AMAZING and that everyone ought to be bursting at the seems with joy and making out with each other. Without depression though, I wouldn’t be able to express these thoughts and feelings that are going through my “Popular Science” body (as opposed to a “Men’s Fitness” body, which I do not have). So I’m going to try and cram all this poop in here before I get happy.


Before we talk about the phrase “Miss the Boat”, and what it means, let’s talk about boats.


Boats are expensive. You need a place to put them. If you do an amazon.com search for boats, you get a selection of inflatable boats, because you’re not responsible enough to have a real one.


These aren’t the type of boats you want either. The boats you can buy on amazon are the boats used to rescue drunk party-goers in the middle of a lake. If you don’t mind some one throwing up necklaces and fancy car keys (the things boat people are made of) behind you as you drive them to shore, this is the boat for you!


The closest I’ve come to owning my own boat was during my cousin’s wedding. My two sisters, and a few other cousins of mine, were seated around a table during the after-wedding-whatever. One of the cousins had the wonderful idea to start passing around a flask. I drank my share, felt dizzy, then drank more. The nautical connection is that during this time I was wearing boat shoes. Drinking on land gave me the sense of power that a boat owner would have, and the ceremony became – in my mind- a celebration of another successful voyage. I did it when you all thought I couldn’t, you fuckers!



Okay, back to the phrase in question. Missing the Boat implies that there was an opportunity, and you did not take it. Some Boats are okay to pass up on, especially the ones filled with naughty rule breakers. This includes folks who give personal training services at the Y, but are not employed by the gym. Stop fucking things up! But most Boats are filled with fun, experience, opportunity and surprises. You want to ride those boats. You want to be an explorer who is so full of life that they would never even question going on the Boat. In fact these people are so adventurous that they are the Boat themselves.


You cannot Miss the Boat if you are the Boat.

Unless you commit suicide, I guess.

I’ve recently begun to think that what I’ve accomplished in life does not qualify as Catching the Boat. I’ve studied abroad, graduated college, started and maintained my first relationship, and pursued my dream career of being in comedy. That looks good written down, but inside, it doesn’t feel like anything special. Part of this is because none of that is particularly flashy or alluring. They’re important, they define who I am, but I don’t have anything to show for it.


Part of Catching the Boat is that you want to have something to show for it.


Like a real boat, you want to have a physical object that says something about you, ideally to others. If you have a girlfriend, it helps to show her off in ways that say “Ahh, look at that ass! It’s so toned it could kill me!” If you have a job you want to be able to buy things that say “Ahh, look at her ass! It looks so good with that thing I bought for it!” It’s no coincidence that you can show off all these things on an actual boat. You can even yell out “Ahh, look in that ass!” to absolutely no one, and it’s fine, because you’re on a boat.


We’re all given a certain set of skills that, through hard work, can turn into a career. My greatest skill is anxiety.


I can make it happen any time at any place. It is my magic, the way Matt Lauer’s legs are his. Anxiety can build mental walls in your head that can prevent you from doing basic things. At a certain point in my life, anxiety prevented me from reaching my potential as a sociable young-person. I over-thought friendships, ended potential relationships, and stayed indoors far too often. I stayed inside so much one summer, that I crept into that year’s school picture of myself, and didn’t come out till September.


Anxiety is like having a committee of concerned parents in your head at all times. If you’re about to do something the committee doesn’t approve of, those mom and dads get rowdy. They claw at your face and kick you in the stomach. They’re angry because they never had a full life, and they certainly don’t want you to. Are they afraid of Boats? You’re goddamn right they are.


In recent years, I’ve become much better at managing my anxiety, so I’m now curious as to how one Catches the Boat. Based on my research, I’ve concluded the following. First off, it helps to have a tan.


A tan can mean many things. It can say “I’m a healthy, athletic individual that enjoys making a family with my genitals.” It can also say “I’m a sly sociopath that hides my alcoholism through my confident outward appearance.”


For each of these examples, a nice tan is a building block towards bigger and better things. Once you have a tan, you’ll want to have some money too.


Money is acquired by doing things other people expect you to do, and is used mainly to purchase Reese’s Puffs cereal. Finally, in order to board the Boat, you need to not care about others. This requires a lot of pushing, so get those arm muscles nice and toned. You’re going to be pushing over all kinds of people en route to the Boat, so you’ll need some practice.



A great way to hone this skill is to head to your nearest Ferris wheel and push everyone on your way to the line’s front. Be sure to bring your family, so they can see what a strong, noble leader you are. Once you’re safe on board, you’ll be able to make racist comments towards other passengers, while in the company of loved ones.


As I don’t have the means to Catch the Boat, I’m now left to figure out what my next step is. Don’t think because I’m not interested in Boats, that I won’t do anything. I’m not planning on spending my life in a dark living room, day after day, until I look like a Civil War veteran. I want to do what interests me and what makes me happy. I want to learn about stuff. I want to play baseball on top of a mountain. I want to get so old and curmudgeonly that my body looks like the word “lousy”. I want to spend summers listening to Creedence with friends, as we talk about friend things, like apples and throwing knives. I’ll do all of this on my own terms.

Eventually, I’ll forget that Boats even exist, and I’ll be all the happier for it.

One last thing, if you think I have a poor attitude and that it can be cured by a trip on a “real” boat, please don’t waste your time.

I’m terrified of drowning and I’m equally scared to be on a boat with someone who says things like “This is life changing, isn’t it?” No it’s not, and your shorts are dumb.





Image was pulled from a Google image search of “funny boat”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

Jun 20

The Unsolicited Advice Column – by Ted Pettingell

The face of internet activism.

The face of internet activism.

The Unsolicited Advice Column

- by Ted Pettingell

A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted. 




After a several week hiatus I have returned to give out advice to people who clearly weren’t looking for it. If you are wondering where I have been I will tell you. I was on a cross country speaking tour where I would eves drop on strangers until it sounded like the needed advice and then BAM! I would give them advice right in their face. Then they would ask me who I was and threaten to call security. A lot of lives were changed. So lets get to it.

jamThe first question of the day is from @jaevionn: What empowers Jamaicans to speak with authority despite their ignorance? #questionoftheday

What are you even talking about?  Give me one example of Jamaicans acting ignorantly sir.  Are any of them even remotely as noteworthy as just a few of the innovations the people of Jamaica have given us. Innovations such as:

  • Bob Marley
  • and the Whalers
  • Jerk Seasoning
  • Cool Runnings
  • An accent that makes advice seem much more credible, even if the person giving is driving a bus

No? I didn’t think so. Take you ignorance elsewhere sir, and direct it at an ethnicity that people know much less about. I would suggest Sri Lankans. If you could blame the Jamacians for one ignorant thing it would be popularizing dread locks and not realizing dirty white people would totally co-opt them.

White guys with dread locks are unforgivable, but I’m not going to blame the proud people of Jamaica for that.  Most of the blame goes to the terrible parents who allowed their children to grow up to be filthy hippies.  I and I hope this will help you work through your intolerance and move on with your life.




faulrOur second question of the day is from @leathalmic: Am I still a man if I cried at the movie “Fault In Our Stars” ? #QuestionOfTheDay

What a terribly sexist question. Why because only a woman can be emotionall about things? I also got very emotional at the fault is in our stars. I didn’t go see it or read the book, I just cried at the idea that it exists. I had to Wikipedia it and either some twisted person made some edits to the article or this is one of the most depraved pieces of fiction in existence. Now, there are going to be spoilers coming up but I won’t be spoiling the story, just your sense of well being.

“The Fault is in Our Stars” is book/movie about teenagers dying of cancer and boning each other. Now I’m not condemning teenagers with cancer for boning, thats what’s god wills to do if HE exists. But the idea that grown, perfectly healthy adults idea of escapism is dying before your time and getting boned by someone else who is about to die you is completely disgusting. What other sick sort of shit are you into? What about if someone wrote a book about a blossoming romance between to pitbulls in a dog fighting ring that are eventually forced to fight each other to the death.

Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, and that’s coming from me, and fire gives me boners.




lameLast question of the day is from @jasonfarone, he asks: After scrolling through pages and pages of inane drivel, have you EVER seen anything online that truly changed your life? #QuestionoftheDay

Well Jason you clearly aren’t following @tedpettingell on twitter, otherwise, I totally agree with you.

As always (as of the last time I wrote one of these) I encourage you to follow me and everyone of these people who asked questions on Twitter. While we’re at it, follow the entire UnScene Comedy staff (of volunteers) except Rich Karski, that guy is the worst.

(Editors Note: You should follow us. Seriously. ESPECIALLY RICH KARSKI.)





Jun 15

HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

karskiHOW TO! #15: How to be a dad!

by Rich Karski



Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column designed to be read aloud to the tune of the Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes.”


It’s mid-June, and that means that Father’s Day is upon us. The day we ignore our fathers’ actual wishes of leaving him the fuck alone to awkwardly make him thank us for Home Depot gift cards. It’s a day where he’d probably rather be looking at a fence and making remarks about said fence to nobody in particular, but instead you made him put on a polo shirt and go to brunch like some asshole. The man works hard all year to make sure nobody can stand spending more than 15 minutes engaged in conversation with him, and here you are ruining it with your goddamned sentimental malarkey. You may think being a dad is easy, and that all you have to do is get careless about pulling out, but it’s so much more complicated than that. Being a dad is a lifestyle, and one that you don’t even need kids to take up. Hell, it’s the year 2014; even ladies can be dads now.


Choosing dad life is an important decision. You can’t half-ass it and end up like those deadbeat dads that don’t even ask you when was the last time you had your oil changed. You gotta go full dad, and the rewards are splendid and great in number. Do you think you have what it takes to embark on this journey of extension cords, Steely Dan albums, and watching the weather channel for hours at a time? If so then hold on to your rear ends because I’m going to teach you:




STEP ONE: Looking The Part

To truly get into the dad spirit, you must FEEL like a dad, and the best place to start is with your wardrobe. This will vary from season to season, but the main thing you need to remember is that shirts are to be worn ONLY as a last resort. Shirts are the natural enemy of a dad. They are restrictive, itchy, and they prevent a dad from achieving full relaxation, which is his main goal.

6a00d83451ccbc69e20191046294dc970c-piWhen a shirt is worn, ideally it would have been free and most likely given away at a work or charity event at least eight years prior. It is extremely important for a dad that he never actually purchase a t-shirt, since purchasing shirts means that he has to wear them, and as stated above this is NOT a dad’s desire.

For cooler weather, one company in particular has been clothing dads for centuries, and will be the main source of his fall and winter wardrobe. That company is Champion, whose fine clothing can be found almost exclusively at Bob’s stores or in attics/basements where dads are known to prowl. You’re going to want to get yourself a Champion sweatsuit, complete with sweatshirt (NO HOODS NO ZIPPERS) and sweatpants (MUST HAVE ELASTICS AROUND THE ANKLES.) You only need one of these sweatsuits, because instead of washing it when it gets dirty, as a dad, you are required to just wear it inside out. This outfit will be perfect for raking leaves, falling asleep during football games, and embarrassing your children.


Haircuts are also an important part of looking like a dad. You are only allowed one haircut, and you must get this same cut, at the same place, every two weeks until your barber dies. When your barber dies you are required to try cutting your hair yourself for one month because really how hard could it be? When this fails miserably, you must find a new barber and complain about how different he is from your old barber (he won’t be different) until he dies and you must repeat the process.


STEP TWO: Developing A Love Of Gadgets

If there are two things dads love, they are casual racism and gadgets. We’re going to focus on the gadgets (probably made by those sneaky Koreans.) One would think technology would be the enemy of dads, but that is not true, especially if that technology involves remote controls. Much of ones dad prowess is tied to how many remote controls they have and the various objects these remotes control. These gadgets don’t even have to be particularly useful, they just have to be things that other dads might not have, therefore earning you extra dad points and moving you up in the worldwide dad rankings. Does anybody need a remote controlled alarm that tells you when the temperature in your house rises above sixty-two degrees? Yes, dads do, and if such an alarm were invented you as a dad are required to covet this item. What about a laser that you can point at an item and it tells you how much this item weighs on the moon? Well if such a thing existed and you DIDN’T own it, you would feel like a right shithead when some other dad came over and asked how much your patio furniture would weigh there.

It is also important that when you obtain these gadgets you never figure out how to use them. You need to be able to explain in detail exactly what the item is SUPPOSED to do, but fuck if you’re going to read a manual and figure out how to make it do that. You don’t have time for that shit. Let them invent a gadget that reads owner’s manuals for you. You’ve got an inbox full of vaguely racist emails about the president that aren’t going to forward themselves.


STEP THREE: Appreciating Proper Lawn Care

Nothing is more sacred to a dad than a properly manicured lawn. You don’t need a lawn of your own, but you must RESPECT lawns, and LOVE lawns, and despise any person who would neglect one. Caring for a lawn merges two tenets of dad behavior: doing manual outdoor labor while drinking, and looking at stuff for no reason. Under optimal conditions, a dad will consume enough alcohol while working on a lawn to get himself drunk enough to stare at it uninterrupted for several hours. Lawn care is also an important part of dad socialization. If a dad is not showing off his numerous gadgets to another dad, he is remarking on the beauty of his lawn, and the special tricks he uses to achieve this beauty.

The following is a perfect example of a dad conversation:

“I like a lawn with a lot of grass.”

“Oh yeah, you gotta have grass.”

“Course you gotta mow it…”

“Definitely. Can’t have grass if you’re not gonna mow it.” *sips beer, stares off into the distance.*

See how there was no personal information exchanged? No emotional connection? No value of any kind contained in those words? That’s how you need to talk when you’re a dad, and that’s why appreciating a lawn is so important. All of the love you are not allowed to show to the rest of the world is transferred into that patch of dirt and grass in front of your house. After all, it’s much easier to be proud of earth than your shitty kids.


STEP FOUR: Carving Out Your Dad Area

Even though the lawn/yard is designated dadspace, each dad also needs his own indoor area to partake in dad activities such as browsing pornography and listening to Led Zeppelin. All dads need a room in their house that nobody else is allowed into unless he forgets something in there and doesn’t want to get up. This is usually an unfinished basement or garage repurposed as an office/gym/museum. This space is required to have a computer, television, any and all workout equipment ever purchased in the dad’s lifetime, all trophies the dad has ever won, and at least one picture of the dad holding a fish. It is important that the television, when not in direct use, is always tuned to Fox News.

Once all of these requirements are met, the most important item, and the height of dad luxury, can be added to the space. I’m talking of course about the Dad Fridge. No dad’s life is complete until he has a second refrigerator of which he serves as lord and protector. Nobody touches the Dad Fridge but the dad, and if the rest of the family buys too many groceries than tough shit. This is a sacred space and to invade it is a high crime against dad sovereignty. Even though the dad has sole ownership over the Dad Fridge and all items contained within, there are rules that govern all Dad Fridges worldwide that he must adhere to.

Firstly, the Dad Fridge must have no magnets, artwork, reminders, or decoration of any kind placed on it. This fridge is for function, not frivolity. Secondly, the Dad Fridge must not have been purchased for this purpose. One does not go out and BUY a Dad Fridge. It is acquired through inheritance, battle, or because the family needed a larger fridge in the kitchen and you can’t just throw out a perfectly good refrigerator. Lastly, and most importantly, are the rules governing the contents of the Dad Fridge. There are only THREE ITEMS deemed acceptable to be stored in a Dad Fridge. These items are: beer, cold cuts, and Bloody Mary mix and THAT IS IT. Putting anything else in a Dad Fridge immediately violates its sovereignty and makes its contents available to everyone else in the house. Once you have this fridge, your dad area is complete, and you can move on to the final step.


STEP FIVE: Building A Shed

This is less of a step and more of a test. If you have followed the steps above, this last one will prove that you have truly transcended normal existence into the realm of dads. HOW TO BUILD A SHED could be its own column, with multiple steps and various tips and hints, but if you have truly transformed yourself into a dad, you won’t need instructions. YOU’LL JUST KNOW. Go to the Home Depot, and make sure not to tell anyone why you’re there or what you need, because any dad will be able to get in and out in 20 minutes or less with all of the proper shed building materials. Once you get home with your materials, you will instinctively be able to turn the correct combination of tools, wood, alcohol, and profanity into a beautiful new shed, perfect for empty threats of child abuse and discreet masturbation.


And there you have it!

Five easy steps on how to be a dad. Now tuck your t-shirt into your jean shorts and go give trained professionals advice on how to do their jobs!




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