Oct 24

Weirdly Specific Horoscope. Oct. 24. – by Phoebe Angle and Shawn Carter.

  aries48Aries (March 21 – April 19): Today a bird will poop on your head.  They say that’s good luck but you don’t believe in luck, you don’t even believe in horoscopes.  Why are you reading this?

 

via app.getresponse.com

via app.getresponse.com

 

 

taurus48  Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Your great aunt died – sad :(  but she left you $300 – happy :)  but you spent it all on cocaine, so now you are addicted to cocaine, sad again :(

 

via democraticunderground.com

via democraticunderground.com

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Oct 23

Dick Picks: Week 8. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski.

karski

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will represent you in your personal injury lawsuit.

 

YEEEEEEEEEESSHHH I fucked up reeeeeeeaaaallll bad last week. Here I am assuming I’m going to coast to a winning record and someone yanks my rug out faster than I don’t know, that thing that Asian ladies do with the wax to your pubes? Is that just called waxing? That doesn’t seem right. I feel like it’s close enough to a medical procedure that it needs a more sophisticated name. What should that name be? I don’t know, what the fuck do I look like? Jesus, what is it with you people?

 

Right, football. Uhhhh… I’m not even sure I know what to talk about this week. Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre’s record, which is fine because Andrew Luck is going to shatter it in ten years when receivers are allowed to use butterfly nets and defenders have to spin around in a circle ten times fast before every snap. You know my theory on why there is still talk about who the greatest quarterback of all time is, despite Manning’s numbers making an obviously convincing case? Because he’s a fucking prick. And don’t let the commercials fool you, Manning is most certainly a prick. His body language with his teammates, his coaches, the refs… add that to the times he’s thrown other guys under the bus for his mistakes, and the fact that everyone who has ever played with him always refers to him as a “great quarterback” and never a “great guy” and it becomes pretty clear that everyone hates him.

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Oct 23

The Random Word Generator Diaries – Rick Canavan

I'm Back!*Every week (Not including my 3 year absence) Rick uses a random word generator to pick a topic, and rambles on about it using related stories, thoughts, and questionable facts he thought he heard somewhere.  Once finished he’ll look up the actual definition and see if he was in the ballpark.

   random word: Bittersweet
 

    This is a compound word, easily dissected.  Bitter means ‘ugh’ and sweet means ‘w00t.’   I believe that bittersweet simply means its something nice, but maybe not that nice.  Happy with just a taste of sad, or vice versa. 

 

It’s a word that was made up because life used to be simply good or bad, but then there started to be shades of gray within that (upwards of 50 I have heard.)  Someone decided that sometimes things aren’t just good, sometimes they are bad and good at the same time.  I’m sure there was a lot of New Coke-ish branding that went into it; Try New and improved,  Bittersweet!  The same joy that you love, but with a fresh zing of crappy.

  • Coffee is a pretty bittersweet thing (I take mine with cream and sugar to soften the bitter.)  I am dancing around the idea of switching to tea because I hear it makes you die with less urgency, but I love coffee so much!  No matter which I end up choosing, it will be bittersweet because tea is awful, but if I live longer that’s probably for the best, though it will mean more days lamenting my lost love of coffee.  If I stay with coffee I will be happier, aside from the knowledge of my impending doom.
Words to live by. (via zazzle.com)

Words to live by. (via zazzle.com)

  •  I hate a lot of stuff (mostly a-hole comedians) but I like that I hate that stuff (especially when they move to LA and I don’t have do deal with them any more.)

  • Is anyone else a fan of REM, but only post – “Automatic for the People?”

1bit·ter·sweet

1:  something that is bittersweet; especially :  pleasure alloyed with pain
2a :  a poisonous Eurasian woody vine (Solanum dulcamara) of the nightshade family that has purple flowers and oval reddish berries and is naturalized in North America
b :  a North American poisonous woody vine (Celastrus scandens) of the staff-tree family having clusters of small greenish flowers succeeded by yellow capsules that open when ripe and disclose the scarlet aril.

This is some Anthony Kiedis stuff (music is his aeroplane.)  And hey, while we are talking about nightshade I’m gonna go jump on Facebook and make sure those a-holes are still in LA before the sun comes up.  If you are still reading this, thank you for reading this.

 
*Rick Canavan is a stand up comedian, you can see him host a pretty fun show every Friday night at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square.

Oct 22

The Oscar Outlook by RA Bartlett

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The Oscar Outlook

by RA Bartlett

 

 

 

 

It’s now the fourth quarter of the year, which means that pundits are talking about the Oscar race. More and more, there are people saying “Oscars? Pff? Why should I care about a bunch of rich snobs congratulating themselves?”, I guess as opposed to things like the Superbowl, which is completely absent of things like greed and ego. In short, the Oscar race is a game in and of itself. There are quite a few rules, although, much like with the normal audiences, awarding movies can be a game of “It is except when it’s not”.

 

Now, what does one need to make it as an Oscar contender?
There are several things to keep in mind.

 

Politics

I think the biggest one is much like the politics of well, politics politics. Project the image that only a select few have a chance. Much like citizens voters have this fear that voting outside the two party system is a wasted vote, Oscar campaigning is about saying “Hey, you might not really think Brad Pitt gave one of the performances of the year, but do you really think that bald character actor from the Croation dark comedy has a chance?”

 

The fact of the matter is, voters are working professionals, and don’t have time to see every film available, (and to be honest, they might even hand the ballot to family, or even staff members) so at the end of the day, they rely on a few external factors to make their choices.
Critical response is a good opening salvo. It’s not always the case (Look at Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or better yet, don’t, for your own good.)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly...whatever that movie sucked. (via myportiswaspsays.com/2012/01/extremely-loud-incredibly-close-elena.html)

More like extremely LAME and incredibly…whatever that movie sucked.
(via myportiswaspsays.com)

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Oct 21

Have YOU found Him? – by Ethan Diamond.

by Ethan Diamond

by Ethan Diamond

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

Oct 20

Working Comic. The EASIEST money. – by Shawn Carter.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Shawn Carter spitting up water.

Hi friends.  Gather ’round children (that means come listen to this story, not collect chubby kids).

I had a great unprofitable week.  Sometimes in comedy you get to have a really fun week but make no money.  It’s just how it goes sometimes.  As I was starting to worry about money and the future,  I saw a post someone made about a place in Medford that will pay you $40 a day for your…ummmmm….  solid waste.  I told my father about it and he was surprised and sort of grossed out “They’ll pay you $40 for your poop?”.  I said “Yes.  They actually use it to help treat sick people.”.  “How do they do that?” he asked, “I don’t know, I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

335 Somerville Ave.  7:30

335 Somerville Ave. 7:30

Monday –  Another week of hosting at Sally O’briens.  It was a great time.  Lots of great jokes being tossed out there.  Lots of people laughing.  It warms my heart to see these new young comics getting so damn good so damn fast.

Tuesday –   Again, I get the honor of hosting the show at Stadium in Quincy.  Such a great time.  This room is so perfectly set up for an open mic/comedy night.  But it’s really the 20 or so comics that come that make it awesome.  Thanks guys/gals.

 

Wednesday – Holy crap one of my favorite new comics in Boston Mike Settlow hosted the mic at The Tavern at the End of the World.  I went there and talked about strippers,  it went great but I probably can’t use the story for anything but open mics.

Thursday – Patriots are playing Thursday night football?  I didn’t know that.  Oh man I have a show.  Oh well.  I’ll just watch it at the bar I guess.  (middle of the day, phone rings) My brother Tom “Hey man I got two free tickets to tonights game do you want to go?”  me “Uhhhh…. yeah but I can’t I have a show.”

via sportsgrid.com

via sportsgrid.com

I go to the show there’s a small crowd.  They don’t like me.  I should have gone to the Patriots game.  Well at least it wasn’t a great game, right?  Oh the Patriots blocked a field goal with 2 seconds left to win?!?  Damn.

I just had to sit at the bar thinking about what I passed up.

Friday – During the day I went out and did some yard work with my dad.  We had lunch and raked leaves it was an alright day.  After we finished raking we went inside and he retired to the men’s room.  When he came out he just grunted “hmmm…  that one had to be worth at least $40″.  Oh yeah, that’s where I get my sense of humor from, that guy.

Friday night – I didn’t have a show, so I invited Rich Karski over and with my room mate Scott Oddo the three of us watched the classic motion picture “Over The Top”.   I remember my father renting that movie when I was a kid and watching it with him.  At one point there’s a guy that drinks motor oil before an arm wrestling match.  When I was a child I asked my father “Why is that guy drinking oil?”  and my father responded “Because he’s a man.”

via en.paperblog.com

via en.paperblog.com

Saturday – Packed house at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge.  It was a good time.

Here’s a clip from that show.

Sunday – Misha Han was hosting at The Comedy Studio so he invited me to close the show.  I was more than happy to do so and while it wasn’t sold out it was a great crowd and a great line up.

Thanks for reading, I’m off to Medford to release a gold mine.*

*oh man not really.  That’s a joke and sort of a gross one.  However if I lived in Medford…. well nevermind.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

THE BEST OF UNSCENE COMEDY: LIVE SHOW coming December 6th

Love reading our hilarious, insightful and totally awesome articles? Of course you do! Come see our live show and see us do what we do best: STAND UP COMEDY!

Featuring:
Shawn Carter
Christa Weiss
Ted Pettingell
Rich Karski

Hosted by Nick Giasullo

December 6th, 8pm
Tix $10 presale, $15 door
Get tix here: BrownPaperTickets.com

The Zorba Room
439 Market Street
Lowell MA

Oct 17

Weirdly Specific Horoscope. Oct. 17. – by Phoebe Angle and Shawn Carter.

aries48  Aries (March 21 – April 19):  You find what you think is a quarter in the bathroom.  It turns out to be a Baht, Thai money.  You decide that rather than leaving it there, you are going to take it to Thailand to spend it.  Enjoy your new life in Southern Asia!

via blessthisstuff.com

via blessthisstuff.com

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Oct 16

Dick Picks: Week 7. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column – by Rich Karski.

karski

 

DICK PICKS!

UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski

 

 

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that annoys co-workers all day by making guitar noises with its mouth.

 

This past week was pretty fucking lame on the whole. There were three fairly exciting games and one of them ended in a tie. Also can we please get rid of the “kissing your sister” analogy when it comes to ties?

It's high time someone made an honest woman out of her. (via dougandjune.blogspot.com)

It’s high time someone made an honest woman out of her.
(via dougandjune.blogspot.com)

 

Even though siblings never kiss anymore for any reasons that aren’t absolutely deviant, that’s not even the most disturbing part about it. No, the most disturbing thing is how excited everyone is to say it after there’s a fucking tie. People fall all over their dicks to yell out “IT’S LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER!” as if they coined the term and are owed royalties on every use. We get it, the thought of siblings kissing each other gets you excited in ways that normal humans can’t comprehend. You’re fucking gross. It isn’t even a good analogy.

 

 

A tie is not like engaging in abnormal relations with your sister. You know what a tie is like? A tie is like when you have to walk a mile and a half to your fucking car because you live in the city and the parking is terrible, and when you get to your car you realize you forgot your keys and have to walk alllllll-the-fucking-way back, then once you finally get to your front door you realize that your keys were just in a different pocket and you wonder what the fuck was the point of even leaving your goddamned house in the first place. That’s what a tie is like. It’s pointless, it’s infuriating, but it’s not a sex crime.

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Oct 15

What your Sexy Halloween Costume Says About You! by Christa Weiss

reddress_unscene

 

What your Sexy Halloween costume says about you!

by Christa Weiss

 

 

 

Hey ladies, its Halloween time, and you know what that means! Legs bare, tits out, & lady parts barely covered! Its time to prove to everyone you know that the chilly fall weather in new England really doesn’t affect you because seriously, frostbite is not that big of a deal, and you fit way better into those cute little strappy heels without the burden of your little toe.

But what exactly does that sexy sex filled costume say about you? — is a question no one is asking.

Too bad! I’ve set out to psychologically dissect you, using very little information via list article! Because if there’s one thing we all know for certain about chicks who wear the sexiest of costumes, is that no matter how much you insist, no one really believes that you’re not freezing your ass off.

halloweencostumes.com

This costume is going to haunt my nightmares forever. (halloweencostumes.com)

Sexy clown

You love telling jokes! Too bad most of them involve props and are intensely unfunny. You think everyone loves you but really you just kind of creep people out. There is a very strange corner of the internet that might want to see you do something with a cream pie. Do it.

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Oct 14

Origin Story. – by Ethan Diamond.

comic by Ethan Diamond

comic by Ethan Diamond

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