HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski

Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that serves as a case study on the long term effects of head injuries in high school sports.

Part of getting older is settling into a routine so your life stops being a terrifying gauntlet of unknown horrors leading up to your inevitable death, probably from one of the really bad cancers like eyeball cancer. Making life more predictable and eliminating as much of the surprise as you can control is something that most people strive for as they get to an age where the fear of death becomes inescapable. One way to do this is to get married.

Marriage eliminates so many variables in life that it’s no surprise that people are still doing it even after it has been proven to have a lower success rate than that TV show “Intervention.”

When you commit yourself to another person “forever” you get rid of the awkwardness of having to go on dates, the uncertainty of what you will be doing this weekend (arguing about where stuff goes in the house,) and the fear that comes from not knowing how long it will take somebody to find your corpse after you accidentally get trapped behind the washing machine.

It’s an easy decision to make. On the other hand, maybe you’ve truly met “the one” and you’re getting married because your love is so powerful that the president would need to call in the National Guard to take that shit down. Maybe your love is the one that is REALLY going to change the world and end wars and poverty and racism.

Either way, you are going to need to have a wedding. For the first group, I would recommend going to city hall and getting the paperwork done and then going to a bar with your friends. For the second group, however, that just isn’t going to cut it. If you are truly in love, your wedding needs to beat the concept of love into everybody within shouting distance so they know that yours is unstoppable. That’s why today I am going to teach you:

*HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING!*

STEP ONE: Making Your Wedding Website

This is a new development in the wedding planning game, but let me tell you it is a GAME CHANGER. As soon as that engagement ring goes on the finger you better get your ass onto the World Wide Web and get to work on martyandsamanthasenchanteddreamwedding.com.

The point of the website is to make your wedding seem like the most important wedding that has ever happened and all other weddings look like redneck piss-drinking contests by comparison. “NO LOVE IS AS SPECIAL AS OUR LOVE” is the message you want to convey with this website.

Will it have a poem about love? You bet your mother’s tits it will have a fucking poem about love, because your love is so goddamned special that it inspired a poet SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS IN THE PAST to dream up a scenario where the perfect love could exist and FINALLY you and your significant other have come along to make his dream a reality.

Does your love allow you to walk hand in hand near a body of water at sunset without even wearing fucking shoes? FUCK AND YES so you better put a picture of that shit on the website because if that’s the type of thing you do ON YOUR REGULAR DAY OFF then you need to give people a taste so they know whatever heartwarming shit you have planned for the wedding is going to blow that OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER.

Make sure to link to that shit on your facebook every couple of hours so everybody is constantly reminded that whatever they once thought love was is a bold faced lie and you are about to rain hellfire on their infantile concept of marital union. Look at your website as Hitler’s invasion of Poland. This is your announcement to the world that you are for real and they better get the fuck out of your way or face the consequences.

STEP TWO: Selecting Your Wedding Day

The importance of selecting a date is twofold- firstly: you want to choose a date that is unlikely to be ruined by weather events. Secondly: you want to choose a date that inconveniences as many of your wedding guests as possible.

The three most likely weekends that meet both criteria are Memorial Day Weekend, Fourth of July Weekend, and Labor Day Weekend. It’s likely that people are going to want to make plans for these weekends and those plans better be your wedding or they need to get used to you sending text messages to their friends and family implying they have a drug problem. Anyone who thinks your wedding isn’t the most important thing happening on any given weekend is someone who doesn’t belong there anyway and might even try to upstage you on the dance floor.

For bonus points, try to schedule your wedding on the same day as the wedding of a friend or family member, thus turning it into a competition to see who is more important to the people in your lives. If you’re aggressive enough you can intimidate them into rescheduling their wedding which had been booked prior to yours. A series of threatening phone calls followed by flyers mailed to local wedding vendors detailing their “shady past” should be enough to do the trick. Nobody wants to bake a wedding cake for someone with rumored ties to a terrorist organization.  Remember, this is YOUR special day, even if someone else got there first.

STEP THREE: Choosing Your Location

Two words: destination wedding. This is another way of weeding out the people you haven’t yet realized you no longer want in your life. Anybody who isn’t willing to throw down a couple grand in airfare and hotel fees to see what a stunning couple you are standing barefoot on the beach (JUST LIKE IN THAT PICTURE OH MY GOD FULL CIRCLE) does not deserve to share in the life you are building together.

This is also beneficial because it essentially eliminates the poor from attending which is great because as we all know poor people are gross and do not deserve to be in the presence of love. Also, poor people will not be able to afford the wonderful gifts that you have added to your registry and why would you ever invite someone who is going to give you a subpar gift? “Oh you brought some towels? You might as well have brought typhus because that is how sick you just made me now get out of my fucking sight.” You don’t want to have to say the F word at your own wedding, do you? Of course not, so make sure to do whatever you can to exclude any poor “friends” or “relatives” from ruining your perfect day.

STEP FOUR: Finalizing Your Guest List

It isn’t just the poor that you want to keep out of your wedding. If Darwinism has taught us anything it’s that only the strong and probably white will be around long enough to see the world through to its natural conclusion (the Rapture, followed by a wine and cheese mixer in heaven.) This is the mindset you need to enter when making the final cuts on your wedding invitation.

First off the list are all but the wealthiest elderly people. Old folks bum people out and you don’t want anyone dying at your wedding unless you stand to inherit a huge chunk of change in that particular transaction. Next, make sure there are no kids. Kids are terrible and they’re loud and carry diseases so if you want to invite kids to your wedding how about just throw a bunch of French fries on the ground and invite some seagulls instead because there is literally no difference. Any parent that wouldn’t instinctually leave their children at home on your wedding day should be sent to jail and maybe even killed with a gun or some poison.

Finally, you’re going to want to limit the plus ones to other married people. Nobody that hasn’t been through the sacred rites of marriage should get to bring a date because seriously, Brian and Kelly, if you’re actually in love you wouldn’t have been living together for FIVE YEARS without a ring. Go to hell.

STEP FIVE: Having A Cash Bar

You’ve already invited these ungrateful assholes to be a part of the most magical day of your life, and now they think YOU’RE going to pay to get THEM drunk? The nerve of these people!

You might think that a cash bar could possibly make YOU look like the poor ones, but you can counter this by saying “We just didn’t want to invite the type of behavior that open bars tend to bring out in people.” That way you get to be super judgmental of anyone who gets too drunk at your wedding and sullies what is supposed to be the most beautiful day of your life and probably everyone in attendance’s life as well because let’s face it, there’s never going to be another couple like you.

And there you have it.

Five easy steps on how to plan your dream wedding without letting the thoughts and feelings of your loved ones get in the way. Now go out there and find the “love of your life” and don’t get deterred by the fact that that’s how literally every Dateline murder mystery starts.

Image was pulled from a Google image search of “wedding ridiculous”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.

HOW TO! #15: How to be a dad!

by Rich Karski

Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column designed to be read aloud to the tune of the Spin Doctors’ “Two Princes.”

It’s mid-June, and that means that Father’s Day is upon us. The day we ignore our fathers’ actual wishes of leaving him the fuck alone to awkwardly make him thank us for Home Depot gift cards. It’s a day where he’d probably rather be looking at a fence and making remarks about said fence to nobody in particular, but instead you made him put on a polo shirt and go to brunch like some asshole. The man works hard all year to make sure nobody can stand spending more than 15 minutes engaged in conversation with him, and here you are ruining it with your goddamned sentimental malarkey. You may think being a dad is easy, and that all you have to do is get careless about pulling out, but it’s so much more complicated than that. Being a dad is a lifestyle, and one that you don’t even need kids to take up. Hell, it’s the year 2014; even ladies can be dads now.

Choosing dad life is an important decision. You can’t half-ass it and end up like those deadbeat dads that don’t even ask you when was the last time you had your oil changed. You gotta go full dad, and the rewards are splendid and great in number. Do you think you have what it takes to embark on this journey of extension cords, Steely Dan albums, and watching the weather channel for hours at a time? If so then hold on to your rear ends because I’m going to teach you:

HOW TO BE A DAD

STEP ONE: Looking The Part

To truly get into the dad spirit, you must FEEL like a dad, and the best place to start is with your wardrobe. This will vary from season to season, but the main thing you need to remember is that shirts are to be worn ONLY as a last resort. Shirts are the natural enemy of a dad. They are restrictive, itchy, and they prevent a dad from achieving full relaxation, which is his main goal.

When a shirt is worn, ideally it would have been free and most likely given away at a work or charity event at least eight years prior. It is extremely important for a dad that he never actually purchase a t-shirt, since purchasing shirts means that he has to wear them, and as stated above this is NOT a dad’s desire.

For cooler weather, one company in particular has been clothing dads for centuries, and will be the main source of his fall and winter wardrobe. That company is Champion, whose fine clothing can be found almost exclusively at Bob’s stores or in attics/basements where dads are known to prowl. You’re going to want to get yourself a Champion sweatsuit, complete with sweatshirt (NO HOODS NO ZIPPERS) and sweatpants (MUST HAVE ELASTICS AROUND THE ANKLES.) You only need one of these sweatsuits, because instead of washing it when it gets dirty, as a dad, you are required to just wear it inside out. This outfit will be perfect for raking leaves, falling asleep during football games, and embarrassing your children.

Haircuts are also an important part of looking like a dad. You are only allowed one haircut, and you must get this same cut, at the same place, every two weeks until your barber dies. When your barber dies you are required to try cutting your hair yourself for one month because really how hard could it be? When this fails miserably, you must find a new barber and complain about how different he is from your old barber (he won’t be different) until he dies and you must repeat the process.

STEP TWO: Developing A Love Of Gadgets

If there are two things dads love, they are casual racism and gadgets. We’re going to focus on the gadgets (probably made by those sneaky Koreans.) One would think technology would be the enemy of dads, but that is not true, especially if that technology involves remote controls. Much of ones dad prowess is tied to how many remote controls they have and the various objects these remotes control. These gadgets don’t even have to be particularly useful, they just have to be things that other dads might not have, therefore earning you extra dad points and moving you up in the worldwide dad rankings. Does anybody need a remote controlled alarm that tells you when the temperature in your house rises above sixty-two degrees? Yes, dads do, and if such an alarm were invented you as a dad are required to covet this item. What about a laser that you can point at an item and it tells you how much this item weighs on the moon? Well if such a thing existed and you DIDN’T own it, you would feel like a right shithead when some other dad came over and asked how much your patio furniture would weigh there.

It is also important that when you obtain these gadgets you never figure out how to use them. You need to be able to explain in detail exactly what the item is SUPPOSED to do, but fuck if you’re going to read a manual and figure out how to make it do that. You don’t have time for that shit. Let them invent a gadget that reads owner’s manuals for you. You’ve got an inbox full of vaguely racist emails about the president that aren’t going to forward themselves.

STEP THREE: Appreciating Proper Lawn Care

Nothing is more sacred to a dad than a properly manicured lawn. You don’t need a lawn of your own, but you must RESPECT lawns, and LOVE lawns, and despise any person who would neglect one. Caring for a lawn merges two tenets of dad behavior: doing manual outdoor labor while drinking, and looking at stuff for no reason. Under optimal conditions, a dad will consume enough alcohol while working on a lawn to get himself drunk enough to stare at it uninterrupted for several hours. Lawn care is also an important part of dad socialization. If a dad is not showing off his numerous gadgets to another dad, he is remarking on the beauty of his lawn, and the special tricks he uses to achieve this beauty.

The following is a perfect example of a dad conversation:

“I like a lawn with a lot of grass.”

“Oh yeah, you gotta have grass.”

“Course you gotta mow it…”

“Definitely. Can’t have grass if you’re not gonna mow it.” *sips beer, stares off into the distance.*

See how there was no personal information exchanged? No emotional connection? No value of any kind contained in those words? That’s how you need to talk when you’re a dad, and that’s why appreciating a lawn is so important. All of the love you are not allowed to show to the rest of the world is transferred into that patch of dirt and grass in front of your house. After all, it’s much easier to be proud of earth than your shitty kids.

STEP FOUR: Carving Out Your Dad Area

Even though the lawn/yard is designated dadspace, each dad also needs his own indoor area to partake in dad activities such as browsing pornography and listening to Led Zeppelin. All dads need a room in their house that nobody else is allowed into unless he forgets something in there and doesn’t want to get up. This is usually an unfinished basement or garage repurposed as an office/gym/museum. This space is required to have a computer, television, any and all workout equipment ever purchased in the dad’s lifetime, all trophies the dad has ever won, and at least one picture of the dad holding a fish. It is important that the television, when not in direct use, is always tuned to Fox News.

Once all of these requirements are met, the most important item, and the height of dad luxury, can be added to the space. I’m talking of course about the Dad Fridge. No dad’s life is complete until he has a second refrigerator of which he serves as lord and protector. Nobody touches the Dad Fridge but the dad, and if the rest of the family buys too many groceries than tough shit. This is a sacred space and to invade it is a high crime against dad sovereignty. Even though the dad has sole ownership over the Dad Fridge and all items contained within, there are rules that govern all Dad Fridges worldwide that he must adhere to.

Firstly, the Dad Fridge must have no magnets, artwork, reminders, or decoration of any kind placed on it. This fridge is for function, not frivolity. Secondly, the Dad Fridge must not have been purchased for this purpose. One does not go out and BUY a Dad Fridge. It is acquired through inheritance, battle, or because the family needed a larger fridge in the kitchen and you can’t just throw out a perfectly good refrigerator. Lastly, and most importantly, are the rules governing the contents of the Dad Fridge. There are only THREE ITEMS deemed acceptable to be stored in a Dad Fridge. These items are: beer, cold cuts, and Bloody Mary mix and THAT IS IT. Putting anything else in a Dad Fridge immediately violates its sovereignty and makes its contents available to everyone else in the house. Once you have this fridge, your dad area is complete, and you can move on to the final step.

STEP FIVE: Building A Shed

This is less of a step and more of a test. If you have followed the steps above, this last one will prove that you have truly transcended normal existence into the realm of dads. HOW TO BUILD A SHED could be its own column, with multiple steps and various tips and hints, but if you have truly transformed yourself into a dad, you won’t need instructions. YOU’LL JUST KNOW. Go to the Home Depot, and make sure not to tell anyone why you’re there or what you need, because any dad will be able to get in and out in 20 minutes or less with all of the proper shed building materials. Once you get home with your materials, you will instinctively be able to turn the correct combination of tools, wood, alcohol, and profanity into a beautiful new shed, perfect for empty threats of child abuse and discreet masturbation.

And there you have it!

Five easy steps on how to be a dad. Now tuck your t-shirt into your jean shorts and go give trained professionals advice on how to do their jobs!

Image was pulled from a Google image search of “dad funny 50s”  If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.